There's a hole in my heart

Just to be clear, I mean that metaphorically. And I couldn't really differentiate that from saying "There's a hole in my soul." But the phrase occurred to me yesterday on my ride home from work, and I can't get it out of my head.

I'm trying to use D&S to fill that hole. I don't know why. I don't know how it's supposed to work. But it feels like that's where the drive comes from.

Last night two snakes came in my dreams. One was tied up in a knot, or injured, but was slithering along anyway. The other, much smaller one, bit me. I don't know if it was poisonous or not.

Don't know what that's all about, but it won't get out of my head, so I figured I'd put it here.

Listen to Masocast

Seriously, I seldom tell people they need to do things, but if you have any ambiguity at all about the role of kink in your life, listen to the Axe's Masocasts. You'll find people talking about the sorts of things you're interested in (if you're reading this blog), people who are funny and self-reflective, and above all, OK with themselves. Which is what motivated the following post.

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Two things happen when you read a lot of blog posts: you get titilated, and you learn stuff. On the learning stuff front, I was touched by a blog post by a poly person in Vancouver who talked about being the misfit in highschool, and finding she fit in with the poly crowd. it was a link from a comment on another blog, so I may not succeed in finding it.

That was echoed by one of the Masocasts - I think it was the one on being submissive to a couple - where she talked a lot about Ren Faires, and how that is where she found herself.

That transformation - going from being "unloveable" - i think the Masocast interviewee put it: "No one's ever going to want to fuck me" - to loveable - is one that I haven't undergone, in some sense.


many many years ago, in a meditation retreat, the person directing the retreat asked, something to the effect of "what is the deepest statement that motivates you?" (I'm sure it was better put than that - but I know my answer immediately was, "Not good enough." This is all about that.

It's why the masocasts are so absolutely compelling for me. They'are about people who felt a lot of the way I used to feel, wanted a lot of the same things I want, but their inner monologue isn't "Not good enough", it's "Look what i found, look how I made a life from the desires and circumstances I was given."

I didn't do that. I made a great life - and it really is great - with a loving community, two amazing kids, a beloved who is a rock - more so than perhaps is good for herself some times, in a beautifuly place, doing a job I like a lot (well, it's early days), with health and probably enough money to put the kids through college and probably retire. Wow, who could ask for more? And I'm not asking for more. I'm asking for "different."

I'm asking for, "It's OK to be who you are." Which, just about every time we talk, my beloved says. But which I have to tease apart as well:

It's not OK to think I'm not OK. Wow, how self-referential is that! But to be submissive out of a sense that the only way I can have any worth is to be what someone else wants me to be is just never going to bring happiness. My beloved knows this, and, God bless her, refuses to go there.

is that what all submission is about? once could argue that it is, but I thank Masocast again for really opening out the definition of "kink" for me. being in to control, and in to submission, and a service submissive, and in to pain are (I suppose, arguably in the case of the first two) different things, and are only four aspects of the polymorphous perversity people label "kink" or "queer."

One of those is "I'm not good enough and I don't have any value unless you give it to me." That, I think, is a disfunctional one that will never make me happy. But when I had the first of the three pro-domme sessions I haver had, it was nothing about that. It was about "She tied me up and whipped me till her arm hurt" and That remains a peak experience in my life. Afterwards, I kissed her boots (because I asked her if I could - holy shit: asking for what I wanted! - Possible only because I was higher than a kite on endorphins at the time?), and that was, "It's OK to want to kiss someone's boots." dang - I get little emotional palpatations just writing that. Have I ever felt that OK with myself in my life? Or am I just romaticizing in hindsight. I really think not.

For a while, I did a distance-domme thing with someone I met on-line. Ignoring all the distance issues and 24/7 issues while being married to (to my beloved who knew about the whole thing), it feels to me, and I would conjecture, that that relationship was based in "not good enough", in "you suck." And that's why it felt so wrong.

So the problem of doing this with my beloved is that it's my problem that we're trying to solve. In the masocast I listend to today, the guy in the couple said there's no point being dommed by someone who's just playing a role. And it's true. The whole thing is about communication and energy going back and forth, and creatging something and having fun. I think a Pro Domme needs to either do that, or be really good at playing that she's doing that - good in an acting kind of way, where the acting is the truth in the moment - that thing that makes acting special.

Needing to be Needed - Key to MY Compulsions?

This post and the subsequent one (well, previous one if you're reading blog-style) came out in a huge rush one day while I was on the train. They're not very D&S/Femdom/FLR-ish, but they're a lot about who I am and why I am as I am, and I have no other place to put them, so here they are.

And let me just say that my definition of a compulsion is "something that you can't NOT do." And I think my interest in power-related sex qualifies. Not all compulsions are all bad, and some good has come from mine. But a compulsion it remains.

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Current hypothesis: this is what is behind my need for a D&S relationship. My beloved, if she were to be dominant, would need certain things from me, because she needed/wanted them. it would be important to her that I be/do certain things. And that would make me needed, and that would feed what is, I think my deepest insecurity: not to be needed or wanted.

I always wondered how this interacted with work, and this hypothesis fits. It is a source of frustration to me that I always let my work "to do" list get out of hand. A long time ago, I figured out that I am very uneasy with an empty to-do list. Now I know why: no one would need me.

It's also why I'm a pretty good customer-centered service provider: If I do things for people, that illustrates that they need me.

Personal e-mail, same thing: if there are a ton of (non junk - I'm not totally stupid) e-mails in my box, then people need me to respond. As soon as I respond, they don't need me any more.

Same reason I don't finish things: If the thing is pending to be completed, then I'm needed to do it. If it's complete, then I'm not needed.

And it ties in with the "needing to ask for things" in a way that is just becoming clear: asking for something you need is related to need. It means I'm allowed to need and my need isn't totally irrelevant. Perhaps it's why denial play is so interesting. it would mean that my beloved would be saying to me, "I know that you need, and your need is important to me, and I want to control it." This is all not that clear, but it hooks in some how I think.

What Means What To Whom

As I mentioned, previously, it's been a busy couple of months. Among the events were a 10 day trip I took with family, but not with my beloved. We were far enough away that communication was difficult and there was no private time, really.

When I returned, I mentioned to my beloved that abstaining from masturbation had been a real challenge during my trip. She asked me what I did about it, in a tone of voice that implied that she expected that I'd just gone ahead anyway. I said, "What choice did I have? I did nothing."

I wish I remember her response. I mostly remember what it wasn't. It wasn't, "Good," or "Thank you", or "I'm glad," or "That's as it should be," or "Well, we do have an agreement," or anything else that acknowledged this arrangement and it's importance to her. It wasn't negative, and it wasn't bemused or amused, which would have been deadly, but I don't remember what it was.

This is all on my mind because she is returning from a two week absence in about an hour and a half. And while I miss her a lot, frankly, high on my list is to make my balls stop hurting, and get some relief. Which I can't say to her in the first hour or two that she's home, or she'll think that's all I care about. Which I don't think is true, but I'd probably be hard-put to prove.

We've talked a little on a few occasions about whether this means anything to her, and it seems like it does. Though seldom at a loss for words, she's been unable/unwilling to articulate to me how important it is, and why, and whether it does anything for her. While it's been a major thing I've been thinking about in her absence, I'd bet money that it hasn't crossed her mind once while she's been away. Dealing with that imbalance is the challenge for us, I think.

While we normally communicate fairly well for a couple that's been married for 25+ years, on this subject we're only "so-so." I have mentioned on a couple of occasions to her that talking about the arrangement we have is almost more fun for me than the actual "doing" (or not doing, in this case)... But we seem to have been unsuccessful in making that conversation part of our relationship.

Even at the simple level, I remember on at least two occasions telling her how important some acknowledgment of our arrangement is to me when we have sex. When I've been working really hard to get her off - and it often takes a certain amount of care and attention and sometimes stamina - when she's done, I need some acknowledgment that she's done, that she doesn't want PIV sex (because she does about half of the time), and that I'm not getting any.

That goes against all of her "good girl"/"nurturing mother" programming, which, I suspect, is why she doesn't say anything. I offered suggestions that I thought were compatible with that, indicating that if she were to say "Thank you," or "That was nice," or "I'm done," those would be non-controlling, non-"mean" ways of telling me that I'm being denied. But she doesn't.

In a somewhat topping-from-the-bottom move, I even couched it as, "I need to know when to stop clinging all over you," knowing that that behavior annoys her, and kept at it hoping for an "I'm done" or "Go to sleep" or some kind of reaction. I think as close as I got was she removed my hand from her breast. I'm not such a brat that I kept on after that.

I guess I'd have to say that this is the single most disappointing aspect our arrangement: she gets to ignore it, and it's all about self-control for me, with no outside acknowledgment from her of what's going on. As I said above, I need the explicit communication. The only explicit communication I get around this is when I ask for permission to masturbate. Usually that's followed by a long moment of thought on her part - and I have no idea what she's thinking, though I suspect it has to do with planning out the next couple of days to see what she thinks the chances are that she'll want sex - followed by a response - "Ask me later", "Yes", or "Not now". Seldom just "No." Which is OK with me.

Even when we have sex, as I mentioned above, it only ends in PIV about half of the time. Unfortunately (I think), PIV sex means I get to cum - especially with my reduced frequency for orgasm, I can't be in her for very long and not cum. This seems to be OK with her, but to the extent that she wants to keep me denied (and I honestly have no idea what that extent is), I think it means that her decision process is flawed. If she wants PIV sex without my having an orgasm, she ought to be telling me to masturbate if she thinks she'll want sex at all. That way if it ends up with PIV, I'll be able to control myself.

Following this logic myself, I guess she ought to be telling me to ruin those orgasms, so that the pleasure is under her control. Oh my, what a hot thought - no pleasurable orgasms except a her direction. It does bring up in my mind the question of "what do I want when I'm asking her for permission to masturbate?" Relief from sexual pressure? Or pleasure? I'm inclined to think the former.

I don't get to ask very often. The protocol is that she takes off my gold necklace, and tells me when it has to be back on. And she puts it on. I've never operated the clasp. And I've never masturbated with it on.

Our lives are crazy enough that I mostly get to ask her in the mornings before we get up for work. Though with new work schedules, I'm often out before she wakes up. And she comes to bed after I do, so those windows to ask are gone. The kids are around less, so there should be more opportunities to ask after work. It will be interesting to see how that goes.

This post has gone on waaayyy longer than I expected. But I do find it helpful to be able to go back and read over where I was at a given time.

And then I went off and read Maymay's post on what intercourse means and it felt like he'd distilled a lot of the inchoate desires I just expressed into something with much more universal value. Especially because I'm pretty sure sex is (not to mention PIV sex) is much less interesting to my beloved than it is to me.

Catching Up

I'll steal a trope from "Tom Allen" (whose writing I rather admire), and say that it's been a busy couple of months in the Unremarkable household. Which doesn't entirely explain the absence of posts. If you look at the history of this blog, you'll see that it seems to go in a two year cycle. This is something I had suspected about myself for 10 or more years, but never had a mechanism to measure. Had I been more disciplined, I suppose I could have been consciously recording my interest in - gee, what I guess I'll call "sex, sex games, power, and control" since right now I don't know exactly how to characterize it.

But the blog has served as a proxy for that, and here we are. I have no idea what to conclude from that two year cycle, however. Rather than trying to catch up en-masse, I'll just write what's in my head and trust that anything I miss will bubble up to the surface in its own due course.

Enabled Captcha for comments

... to reduce Chinese link spam, of which there has been a bunch (in case you were wondering what all those deleted comments were).

I've written a ton of stuff. While I figure out how to boil it down into some blog posts, go look at The Male Chastity Blog. So far, it's like she's reading my mind.

Paraphilias as Kink: Healthy or Unhealthy?

Will you be surprised to read that my answer is, "It depends"?

The observation stems from a conversation my beloved and I had about paraphilias. It's Dr. Kafka's preferred term, part of "Prudence"s ill-considered advice to the mother of the young man with the latex fetish.

Our conversation started from my telling her about the prior post. Elderly parents are presenting management issues around health care and it became obvious how many control issues my mom exercises over my dad. She recently decided on the timing of some surgery for him and it became apparent that after 50 years of living together, he can't decide for himself.

I commented to my beloved that I seem to be working out my control issues in a much more ritualized fashion, with my interest in submission and control in sexual relationships. This got us to talking about how things have changed for me, from "this is who I am" to "this is something I like to do in relationships.". That's a big change, about which more later, unless I've already written about it.

This got me to my shrink, who I liked, and Kafka, who I didn't like when he was my shrink, and it got us talking about paraphilias. Figuring out where thy come from seems pointless. One can imagine FMRI studies that might illustrate how they're "caused" by brain chemicals "leaking" from one are to another adjacent areas of neural activity interfering with each other, but that's entirely conjectural not so interesting.

What's more interesting is the role paraphilias can play in a relationship. It's basically the old question thatcomes up in a bunch of relationships where one person has a paraphilia: the other person asks, "are you relating to me, or to the boots, corset, latex, leather, whatever?"

The answer, I think, is that it depends on how that partner relates to the fetish item. By example: if she wears boots because they make her feel attractive or sexy, and I have a passion for boots and can't keep my eyes or hands off of her, then WE are having a relationship, and boots are part of that. If she, out of the goodness of her heart, wears boots because she knows it will make me happy, and I have the same reaction and can't keep my eyes or hands off of her, I'm not relating to her, I'm relating to the boots. It could, at the extreme, be practically anyone wearing the boots.

For it to be a functional "good" situation, there's a three way relationship happening: us to each other and each of us to the item.

To bring this full circle to the young man with the latex glove fetish, like a person with any unusual sexual interest, it may make his life more complicated, or it may limit his voice of (satisfying) partners, but it may well make his life more interesting. And as there is no "magic pill" to cure him, his process of understanding himself and his partner is more likely to make for a satisfying life, if you believe Thoreau that "an unexamined life is not worth living."

Advice About Curing a Kink

Bear with me here, the set up is a little involved....

So, over on Devastating But Inconsequential, there was a reference to a Slate Magazine Dear Prudence column, in which a concerned Mom was wondering whether or not to intervene with her teenage son over his fetish for latex gloves. "Prudence" cited Dr. Martin Kafka, a "noted expert" on treatment of fetishes. The gist of the advice was, "Save him now, or he'll destroy his life." "Abby" cited an article about Kafka in the New York Times, back from 2000.

Now, comments from ex-patients of a psychiatrist often read like rants from a jilted spouse, so I'm going to try to avoid doing that. But I was a patient of Dr. Kafka's back in the early '90s and I was supremely unimpressed. In fact, when I told the shrink with whom I ended up, about Kafka's theories and methods, I got an amused and ever-so-slightly satirical reaction - way more reaction than I expected to get from one professional about another.

But "Prudence's" comment did motivate me to read the article about Kafka. While I find the main thrust of his argument to be deeply deeply flawed, there was just enough thought-provoking substance in the article to, well, get me thinking.

First thing, Kafka's theory about treating appetite "disorders" with selective seritonen uptake inhibitors (SSRIs - Prozac and the family of drugs that followed it) is complete bullshit, at least at the level at which he promotes it. I think it would be fair to say that sexual appetites in *some* people may be related to "appetites" as we more traditionally think of them. But to say that the two are identical is facile. And then to build on top of that the conjectural notion that something about brain chemisty in those with this "appetite disorder" means that treating them with massive doses of SSRIs will "solve" the "problem" seems entirely unwarranted.

It's not like you couldn't do the study, or anything. And I'm sure big Pharma would love to make that possible. But based on a study of one (that would be me), his whole logic chain and intervention doesn't hold water.

By the time he was done with me, I was taking large doses of SSRIs - so large that I routinely fell asleep in the back seats of taxis in the developing countries where I did business. After about a month or two of that, I realized that we were on the wrong track here. And that's when I found the shrink I worked with for several years.

So, was I "cured" by Kafka? In no way, shape, or form. I don't recall my "fixations" be diminished in any significant way, and I don't know how Kafka would claim to know, since his "interviews" were limited to a small number of rapid-fire questions, and one-or-two word answers (he explicitly said he didn't want anything longer).

So was I "cured" by my more traditional "talking therapy" shrink? I'd have to say "No" and "Yes." The "No" is first for a reason: there were periods with him where all of my interests in control and domination (to use a short-hand) just seemed irrelevant. And obviously, those were simpler times to deal with with my beloved. But they didn't last, and while there were some "aha!" moments, there was never anything big that seemd to cut the Gordian knot. But "Yes" in the sense I, and my beloved, have a much much better sense of what is going on here, and who I am, and why this is important to me, than we had before.

And I think that is directly a result of all the talking I did with my shrink. He (and I) didn't "solve" a "problem", but we built structures around which inquiry could take place so that my "problem" is less of a "problem" and more of something that fits in to my (and our) life.

Is that to say that there is nothing about Kafka's formulation that makes sense? Not at all. The metaphors of "addiction" and "appetite" are compelling in some ways, and there have been many times in my life when I am not in control of my interests in pornography (definition of that later) and what I choose to call "outre" sexuality.

But to cut back to the chase, "Prudence's" advice to the parent borders on the criminal, especially when she gets to the part about refering him to counselors who specialize in treating abusers. But is going to a shrink a bad idea? Certainly not. A skim of most of the self-identified "kinky" respondants to "Prudence's" post would seem to find them sympathetic to the notion of inquring as to what part this fetish will play in this 13-year-old's life, and helping him come to terms with it - "Know theyself" as the old saying goes. Where he chooses to go with that knowledge is his decision.

Figuring out what's not working, or an emo whine

What's not working about our sex life? Just the fact that I can put it that way says a lot about where we've come to. I've been listening to unspeakable axe's masocasts recently and am amazed by what it sounds like to hear intelligent articulate not-fucked-up people talk about kinky sex. While I talk a good line about being sex positive, I don't think I'm very good at it.

Until I can talk to my beloved about Mistress Matisse's blog and about the Masocasts (to name two), I'm not really as comfortable with this as I'd like to believe.

I think there are two problems: 1) I do have a sexual addiction. By this I mean that I'm not totally on control of when I seek out sexual material and I think about it way more than I would like to. I don't think the latter would be a problem I it weren't for the former. But on the "you are what you think about" premise, if I'm not going to be a sexuality advocate then I need to be thinking about this less. (Forever In Her Service talks about this more positively than I have been in "My Inner Addict".)

2) I'm not going to be a sexuality advocate (better get around to defining that soon) because my beloved simply isn't very interested in sex. I mean she likes it well enough, but if that particular dish wasn't on the menu more than once in a blue moon, I don't think she'd miss it.

And I don't think this is because sex is physically unsatisfying. After having lived together for about 30 years, she's having more orgasms than she used to because we've set up sexual intercourse so that it's all about her pleasure. But in that perverse way that people joke about a reluctant wife dominating her husband - "you want me to do things to you only at my whim? Well, I choose not to dominate you; serve me by being vanilla" - she enjoys the sex we have but doesn't do much for me. Even something as simple as asking her to pinch my nipples is something that happens very rarely. And if it's very rarity were a part of some other dynamic - "this is a reward for you" - I could deal with that.

Instead, it's all only about her pleasure whenever we have sex - not even an acknowledgment by her that "you're no getting off because I don't feel like it" which itself would be very hot.

In truth, I have to cut the woman a lot of slack because I've said it's all about her. I think we need to re-talk over the dynamic so that it's about us both being fulfilled. That's why the comment from the Masocast episode that I referred to in a previous post from struck me so deeply - learning what we want is, for some of us, an iterative process. So while saying "I truly deeply believe that I am happiest serving you" may be true at the time I said it, it may equally and honestly not be true after six months of trying it out. It's a lot to expect someone to accompany that journey when she doesn't really care about the subject matter.

I suppose this sounds a lot lime whining about my beloved, and it's true that I'd love to wave a magic wand and have her know exactly what kind of relationship I'd like to have, particularly as I don't know that myself. But failing that, I would like to have her put some energy into the journey with me, beyond the (admirable) "what would you like me to do next?". I know (because I've asked) that if I say "could you read this or that of to get a sense of what's going on inside my head?" the answer is a very honest "I don't care that much about this stuff and I have too much else to do." I can't make her care about this, so I have to accept the honesty of that answer.

But it surprises me that she hasn't even read this blog. I told her about it last fall, when I wanted to share it with a relative. That worked out well (I think). And I wasn't going to do that without sharing it with my beloved first. Which I did, and we had a wonderful discussion that gave me insight into her, and in which she was, as ever, very understanding of me. But it didn't lead to her reading this, which surprised and disappointed me. Which means, I suppose, that I ought to ask her to read it. But I fear she'll ask me "why?" and say, with justification, "can't you just tell me what you want to say to me" and "I'm not that interested in the subject."

The true answer is that I can't tell her what I want to say, not because I can't speak it, but because often I don't know what it is until I write it here.

Which leads me to the conclusion that maybe I need to let all this go, not because it's wrong, but because it just may be not one of those things that I'm going to get in this life. And that's potentially ok , even though it's not my preference. I don't know if that's true, however, and I don't know if I can do it. I do know that what's most important in this life is to be in relationship with people, and if my kink gets in the way of that in marriage, then it's something I should let go of if I can. I don't know if I can.

I didn't mean for this post to get all emo but I'm hoping that writing will get me out of this emotionally stuck place and clear the decks for the many other things I need to be thinking about.

Another thing about that conversation on Masocast...

I forgot to mention one of the other comments made by one of the women on the Masocast roundtable. I think the subject was whether she would top her boyfriend. Her response was that she had been through so many changes around dominance and submission in her mind and through her time as a dominatrix that she didn't feel it would be fair to drag someone whom she was emotionally involved with through those changes.

This felt very familiar. And the idea that one doesn't have to feel bad about that, that this is all part of an exploration, was very powerful to me. Because I have, of course, dragged my beloved through just these kind of changes - from "Women are superior" to "I want to serve" to "Punish me", from "this is who I am" to "this is what I love to do" to "this is something I don't seem to be able not to be interested in", from "I need to be totally out and in public about this" to "This is just something we do between us" to "I can do these activities with someone but not have an emotional connection with them" - and I'm not sure I even remember what-all else.

She has been patient and supportive, even though some very large percentage of this leaves her cold. The idea that this journey is not an indicator of my screwed-up-ness, but a set of realizations that can't happen without the journey is a very revealing one.

Don't know why I forgot to mention that in the other post.

Coming soon (I hope) - What happened in March and where we are now.

Not Feeling Guilty

I find it so hard not to feel guilty about my interest in... interest in... what exactly am I interested in, anyway. TTWD? Sex? Power dynamics?

Anyway, I've found that for me, a really good tonic regarding that is
Masocast put together by Unspeakable Axe, particularly his recent "Dominant's Roundtable". OK, I loved the fact that a bunch of women who are into ... into ... whatever it is we call this thing ... would sit around and talk about it. And I was particularly touched by some of their observations on the men who see them professionally - compassion basically - a realization of how hard this is for some people (moi, say for instance) to come to terms with, but how persistent people can be about it. And while there were the requisite jokes about thinking with "the little head," there was also a fair amount of insight and sympathy.

But most powerful for me was the sense of comfort with the whole subject, not only on the part of the women talking, but on Unspeakable Axe's questions, and (in some of his other podcasts) on on the part of some of the "audience."

This has been helpful. To wit: I was telling a story the other night and my beloved snapped, "Why do you tell that this way?" She later apologized and we had a good talk about how we disagree with each other. Some how it came around to her saying that she concerned (rightly, I might add) that some of my interest in submission comes from not feeling that good about myself. It was directly as a result of listening to those podcasts that I could say (in jest, but seriously), "Beat me with a stick, but don't beat me with words." We laughed and I'm not sure anything came of it, but being able just to name how I feel is still huge.

The world is helping many things change in my life right now ("It's the economy, stupid..."), but I'm hoping reorienting my relation to ... whatever this is ... is part of that change: Not regarding it just as an addiction that must be gotten over, but as an interest that can have a balanced place in my life (or around which I can build a balanced life).

I rather admire the way Tom Allen presents this. Along with liking his writing....

...And don't forget about...

Tom Allen on why orgasm control is fun: Rat in a Cage

And on my fantasy about how orgasm control might happen in our relationship: Coming Together

but not unless we start talking a whole lot more.

And why am I updating this blog after basically 9 months of inactivity?

I don't know. But I do know that my obsession with sex comes and goes, and here it comes again. I also know that it comes back in different ways every time, and that every time it comes back, the more I talk about it with my beloved, the more progress I make on this. And that this blog is my way of not ignoring it, feeling guilty about it, or pretending that my interest does not exist.

So I don't know if I'll be posting a whole lot; I'll be interested to find out.

I Want...

"M", over on "Submitting to Her", wrote a post on his wife "P"'s ordering dinner for them. It clearly was an intense moment for him, and he reflected on it.

He said, in so many words:

I want her to get so used to...
I want her to realize...
I want her to never consider...
I want her to demand...

This is what I find so difficult about this kind of relationship. Is it about what I want? Or about what she wants? Or about what I want her to want?

And there's nothing wrong with it being about what I want, except that this is so at odds with the outer form of the relationship - her being in charge, my doing what she wants.

It's why I've found this kind of relationship so confusing in my own life. Perhaps for "M" and "P", she does want all these things, and his expressing his wants is just a way for them to communicate about them, and achieve some kind of "shared language" around what they both want. (From some of her earlier posts, it certainly seems like this could be true.)

But for some of us, where it's pretty clear that what my beloved wants is for this all to "go away", I don't know how to resolve the dynamic.

...

And, "Yes", I will explain the hiatus. When I have a minute...

Wanting, Being, Getting, Needing

It's finally occurred to me that these four things are related in some peculiar ways. When my beloved said she'd explore this with me, several things happened.

The first was Being: she was saying it was OK for me to be as I am. This is big. HUGE. I've been this way - wanted these things - since I was about 11 years old - yes, I remember the night. And it's never been OK to want them. Never been OK to be the way I am.

Even when I explored these things with other lovers (before we were married) or even when we explored them together, in our halting and flawed attempts early on, it still wasn't OK for me to be this way. It felt more like it was OK for me to be not-OK, to be deviant or "sick" or whatever model we were using.

This is the first time that I've been in a place, and we've been in a place to have a conversation about this, and the overwhelming feeling I get is one of relief: I can be who I am, we can talk about "this stuff" (thought that's harder than I thought). And it's not because we're "working on my problem." It's because this is how I feel and she's willing to hear that.

What I realized this week, is that wanting and being are totally independent from getting. What I mean, is that I may not even need to get what I want, if it's OK to want it, if it's OK to be as I am. I'm not sure I entirely believe this yet, and I'm not entirely sure it's true, but it's occurred to me as a possibility. (I wonder if akin to what Strong And Submissive has realized, and has kept him in his relationship. No matter, just wondering.)

I also wonder if this kind of asymmetrical relationship is really what I want, or whether I just want the idea of it. I may not ever know if my beloved doesn't decide that it's what she wants, and maybe that's OK. I certainly don't think I'm very good at this - I leave too much undone, or too many offers un-made. I'm too lazy for it. Aside from the titillation value (which is considerable), I think that's what I like about Her Knight's experience with his Princess: She is unbendingly rigorous in her expectation of perfection from him, and without nagging, she never lets him forget it.

I don't know if I could succeed in that kind of relationship, or if I would enjoy it. But I know I can't succeed in what we have now, where I just need to be good enough to do all the things I know I ought to want to do, or that I just plain ought to do to keep the wheels turning in our house. What's hard, is if I don't my beloved just picks up the slack, to the point where she gets frustrated about it.

I'm so tempted to say "It would be so much easier if she would just tell me what she wants," but I think I know that: for all of this to go away and for me to be "normal." Early early on, I wrote about that possibility, in the middle of "(Two to Tango." Certainly at that point (and at the point at which those experiences happened), I wasn't ready to let go of "this stuff." I don't think I am now, either.

On the other hand, maybe it's not important in this life that I get what I want. I think it is important that I'm OK wanting what I want. But once I get OK with that, the answer well may be that I don't get that in this life. There are more than a few things I'm not going to get in this life, and I seem to be OK with those. Why can't this be one?

And Then She Makes Me Wonder

Exactly a week since these events, but the set enough of the stage to be worth posting anyway.

Holiday season and tedious house-guests meant we didn't have much time for each other, physically, emotionally, or in terms of just plain old minutes. So I was a little surprised when we were at a friends house and she put a pillow down on the floor by her feet and motioned me to sit there. It was a natural thing to do in the context, and I might have sat there anyway, but it was a pleasant surprise that she suggested it.

Later that evening at the buffet, it didn't occur to her that I'd be glad to serve her, and I couldn't suggest it or just do it without making a big show of things, so I didn't.

Even later that evening in bed, we had quite the sexual good time, only hers ended in an orgasm and mine didn't, which was fine with me, as it wouldn't have enhanced her pleasure at that moment, it seems.

The next day or two after getting really worked up (it had already been a week) are usually a little difficult and I have to stay focused in order not to get crabby. I'm not sure I entirely succeeded, but I don't think I failed too spectacularly either.

Another Shoe that Sort-of Fits

After a downer in the last post, I was going to tag this on at the end. But decided it merited a (brief) post of its own.

On the bright side, the last half of Kathy's post on A Quick Note about Mike is so totally about me that it makes me happy to know that someone out there understands me, even if she doesn't know me. Though slightly more galling because she wasn't in to this either but got there by exploring with her husband. (I'll take all her posts at face value, it gets too complicated if one doesn't.)

It does remind me that I'm not very good at this, however. I don't know if I'd be better at it if I were really interacting with my beloved about it, or if I'm just a lazy sot.

I'm Just Playing the Game

We have some extremely tedious (youthful) house guests lingering from the holidays - long irrelevant story, but it's the right thing to do.

But as a result, everybody's been a little stressed and there certainly hasn't been any time for intimacy on our part, either in the bedroom or out.

A long time ago, as what I've come now to realize that I was regarding as "starter rituals", I suggested that when I arrive home and she's working, I just sit beside her until she's ready to interrupt what she's doing and say hello. It was a hot day in the summer, and she suggested a glass of water too.

So yesterday I arrived and went over to her and she said, "Where's my glass of water?" - it was a moment of moderate pandemonium in the house. I said, "Sorry", and she smiled sweetly and said, "I'm just trying to play the game, here."

Cut me to the quick.

What can I say? I don't appreciate your "playing the game"? It doesn't count if you don't really feel it? Clearly not - she's a saint for "playing along" with me in the desire for me to feel better. I can't make her feel any particular way, I can only hope that she does.

Certainly, recently I haven't been under any illusion that I'm going to start doing things and she's going to wake up one day and say, "Oh, this is kind of fun. I wonder if I can make him do more?" (No thanks to Her Knight's Princess, who seems to have decided just that.)

I think I was hoping that my beloved would find that my service was sort of useful, and that she'd come to expect it, and come to see it as part of our relationship, rather than something she's doing for me.

As it is, the whole thing right now seems kind of akin to a "mercy fuck," only a fuck with my head rather than my body.

It would explain why our little going to bed ritual seems pretty hollow to me - I do it now out of self discipline, rather than because there's any joy in it. I'm not as dumb as I look - I think I pretty well picked up on the fact that it touched the merest surface of her mind and emotions. I think she was genuinely happy early on when I told her how much I appreciated doing it - how good it felt to "be me".

But of course what I've finally realized is that all that "submission" was to myself, not to her. Interesting and profound philosophical questions aside (like to whom can one ever submit, etc), this isn't very satisfying. I can have fantasies lying in bed by myself; does it matter if my beloved is complicit with them? It is certainly better in terms of relationship if she knows about them and if the secret and shame elements are gone.

But fundamentally, if she's just an actor or a walking prop in my fantasy, that's not very satisfying.

It reminds me of when I was a teenager. My parents would go out for the night leaving me by myself, and I would hurry to enact all sorts of submissive fantasies, chiefly motivated by whatever TV show I happened to be watching. I went so far as to get and pin and the rubbing alcohol out, convinced that I was going to pierce my nose that evening. Never did though. But the point is, those were me acting out fantasies that were entirely in my head. Better than nothing? Maybe, especially since, at that age, they always ended in orgasm, which was big news when I was a teenager.

But this exercise seems only a slight advancement from that, with all the good-will that my beloved is putting in to accommodating me.

Sorry to start with such a downer post for the new year. Perhaps things will improve. I sense another conversation in the offing, though I can't exactly figure out how it will evolve... "You're being really nice and doing this thing for me, but it feels like dust in my mouth?" Not very promising...

Too Close for Comfort

Facing My Obsession, in the Flesh

This isn't exactly me, but it isn't exactly not either. Anyone who's taking the time to write or read a blog like mine, or like those linked on the right needs to read this article and ask themselves some hard questions.

I know I am.

Only you can tell yourself if you're satisfied with your answers.

Housekeeping

and not the sexy service kind either...

I've had lots of thoughts of things to blog, but things have been very very busy, so I haven't. FLR-wise, things have been pretty quiet as well. In fact, I can't say as I've been of any use at all to her. Or rather, I've been doing more things around the house, but also having a good opportunity to contemplate what relationship "being a dutiful husband" and "being in an FLR" have with one-another.

I think it all has to do with expectations. If I just make the coffee because it's what I do, then there's no buzz to it. If I just pay the bills or empty the cat litter or take care of the animals because it's what I do, then there's no buzz to it. But if I do the most mundane thing - take out the trash, say - because she told me to, then FLR is happening.

What's that about? I think (as Ms. Rika says), it's about accepting service from a position of power. I think it's about wanting to be recognized for who I am. I think it's using every-day things to reinforce the fact that we have this "different" kind of relationship - or that we have a relationship at all.

Now after 20+ years of relatively happily married life, wouldn't you think that I'd know that we have a relationship? I think it's some kind of emotional "deafness" that makes it hard for me to hear that we do have a special relationship, that makes the reinforcements of an FLR important to me. Call if some kind of emotional insecurity, if you will. So possibly it should be addressed other ways (therapy, anyone? - been there, done that, got the canceled checks to prove it - not a bad endeavor, but in the end not one that seemed to get to the root of the issue).

Tidbits:

I like wanting her. That's her giving me permission to love her - her being amused that she's that important to me. I think she got that.

This is more important to me than to her. In fact, the only reason it's important to her is that it's important to me. So my not getting in to bed without her permission in fact, I think, means nothing to her. But it means something to me, and she's would notice if I didn't ask, and she'd know what it meant to me, and so would be displeased. Kind of indirect reasoning, but she doesn't really care for her own sake, but for the sake of the state of mind I'm in.

Why I Ask

One recent morning, I asked my beloved if I could have an orgasm. This whole "asking for sex" think kind of puzzles her, I think. The part where she gets to set the sexual agenda and say "No" whenever she wants, or say "Yes" and get just what she wants - that part makes sense to her.

The part that I don't think makes sense to her is the "me asking for permission to have an orgasm" part. One recent morning, a different way of explaining it occurred to me. I said,

"Listen, I get my pleasure from serving you. If I don't get to serve you, I'm not having fun." All of which is true, with some caveats.

"Asking for permission to have an orgasm means that I get my sexual pleasure from you as well. If I've been serving you well, and you decide to say 'Yes,' then my pleasure again comes from having served you. And if you say 'No' for any reason, because I haven't been serving you or because you feel like it, I'm obeying you, which is as much fun (or more to be honest) as serving you."

I think she kind of got that, and I think I said it better at the time, which is why I usually like to to write these blog entries sooner after the fact.