Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Two to Tango



Sooo frustrated.

This experience really has made me realize that it takes two to tango. There certainly are things that I can do to prepare the way for a relationship in which my wife is the dominant partner. Like practicing submission and getting my ego out of the way.

But for me it's hard to keep that attitude when there's nothing coming back. More pointedly, when I fear that if she knew what I was doing, she'd be pretty pissed off. Doesn't that sound counter to the whole point?

So if her wish is for me to forget about anything related to femdom, isn't that what I as the submissive, should do? On the one hand, of course. On the other hand, of course not. Were I able to wave my magic wand and have had (or even just have from now on), no submissive thoughts, no frisson whenever a femdom topic came up, I'd probably do that. It certainly would make my life simpler, and femdom is not making my life more satisfying right now.

Right now, it's making it more painful.

There is some scenario of the "perfect submissive" that makes submitting by not submitting perfect. For some reason, I'm reminded of an old Fassbinder movie, "The Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant", I don't know why, or even if it's relevant; I haven't seen it in years. But regardless, I am not that "perfect submissive", though I'm sure the story of one such would make a pretty good piece of art. I'm not a novelist either.

I tried "being cured." I really think I gave that a good faith effort. Several thousand dollars worth of good faith effort, along with many many hours. Maybe therapy is a longer process than that, but that seemed to be all that was going to happen in my life, for time and money reasons.

And for a while, it worked. Why? Even at the time, I didn't know. But for a year or so, while perhaps not totally gone (or perhaps so), this wasn't around. It was neither a particularly good or bad year, as I dimly recall it.

But it's been back for a while (four or five years) and I'm going with the theory that 40 out of the last 50+ years say more about my life than one does.

There as another moment in which being submissive went totally away. It was in the context of a very deep meditation experience, the details of which I won't go in to. However during it, I heard the voice of the meditation teacher say, "I can take that away, you know. Do you want me to?" And for a split second, I say "Yes," and I saw what my psyche would look like without being submissive.

And there was this huge hole. And I was terrified. I honestly and totally could not conceive of myself without this aspect of my persona. And I "ran" in the other direction.

I have always thought of that as gift that was offered me, that I spurned. But writing this, I've come to think of it more as a challenge that I was issued, that I couldn't accept.

It is a moment of grace to be offered a "healing" without all the interior work that makes the healing happen from within. And it takes a certain kind of strength and faith to accept that healing. I'm honored that it was offered and disappointed in myself that I lacked the strength or faith it would have taken to accept it.

But that leaves me with having to do the work to build the foundation, and then the building, brick by brick, as it were, until that hole becomes filled and becomes part of what makes me stronger, rather than weaker, (at the risk of mixing metaphors...)

So how do I do that? It takes two to tango.

We're taking a vacation soon, one that will bring us tantalizing close to the location listed by a prominent blogger on these subjects. I'm not ready for a conversation even in the remote chance that one were possible with this blogger, so that won't happen. More to the point, I want this to be a care-free vacation. It will be more fun for her than for me because I know this will be on my mind, but this is the first kid-less vacation in 12+ years and I'm not selfish enough to turn it in to psychotherapy session about myself.

When we come back, however, I think what I've been calling the conversation has to happen in some form or another. For now, I have to think lovingly and constructively about how that could happen.


brdspet said...

"I'm not selfish enough to turn it in to psychotherapy session about myself."

You're very unselfish where your wife's feelings are concerned. It is a wonderful quality to have in a relationship. However it is a problem for us subwannabees, because it prevents us from being honest with our wives about our dreams and desires. We fear we will cause them pain if we reveal the truth, so there we hesitate on the fulcrum of doubt or courage.

I truly hope your dreams are fulfilled, and your wife's.

saratoga said...

I guess I hadn't actually realized that your wife has yet to clearly understand your desires. Perhaps I read your earlier posts too quickly.

In any case, from my experience, what should happen, usually does happen.

Best of luck with your conversations.

whatevershesays said...

I'm sorry that you are having such troubles. I hope all works out for you and your wife.

pueraria said...

Have you looked at "Caring Domination" at www.cair4.com? Perhaps that is something that you might show your wife.

Jamie said...

brdspet, thanks for your kind comment. You certainly hit the nail on the head with the conundrum of truth and candor versus assertiveness and submission. I'm hoping it's a matter of learning to be candid about feelings without being pushy.

I haven't looked at cair4.com in a while; probably worth another look.