It's a subject that's been rolling around in my head for a while: "Can I not do 'this'?" My current working answer is "No, I have to do this." Or, in other terms, "It's part of who I am and it's not going away."
This was the realization that impelled me to start this blog
Among the men who are interested in power relationships (sheesh - some time I'm going to have to do an entry on terminology - "power relationships" vs "D/s" vs "wife-led marriage" vs "female-led relationships") there is this common theme: "I threw all my 'stuff' away; I'm done with this now." Some call it "purging." But it clearly doesn't work for some large number of people.
[OK, the logician in me feels compelled to point out that millions of men could be doing this, 99% of them successfully, leaving only us disgruntled 1% to bitch and moan about it. But somehow I don't think so...]
One of the comments at "Lenora's" referred to it as "trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube." Can't be done.
So those of us, all of us, who have a desire like this, for something "different" from main-stream sex or intimacy, are we all nuts? Dysfunctional? (OK, so I talked about this before. I'm clearly still not at ease with it. No surprise there - the venture of this blog is to become at ease with it.)
I really really think not. We got this way somehow - endless debates over nature and nurture may be interesting to some, but don't do a lot for me. (Another aside - there are those who say that if it's "nature" then we must accept it, but if it's "choice" - or maybe even "nurture" - then we don't need to. Thus making the debate very important. I don't think I buy that line, though.) Our goal, all of us, is to live a fulfilling happy life. Our challenge is to find a way to get from where we are (in that "grey world") to where we want to be - and maybe even discover that place as we go. And by doing so, make it easier for those who come after to live in a world colored the way they actually are.
A while ago I read "Babbitt" by Sinclair Lewis; an excellent portayal of life between the World Wars in the U.S. At the end, "Babbitt" says to his grown son:
I've never done a single thing I've wanted to in my whole life! I don't know as I've accomplished anything except just get along. I figure out I've made about a quarter inch out of possible hundred yards... Don't be scared of yourself, the way I've been.
Babbit wasn't at the end of his life, but he wasn't talking about transforming himself, either. But I'm done "living as that grey creature in the grey world."