This last week seems to have been about doing things. I've spent a couple of nights on the bills (I said it was complicated), and gardening, and laundry, all of which have not been part of our normal routine for me to do, so sort of qualify as "service." Actually, I've been feeling bad about the bills part and the laundry part because there's no reason why I haven't been doing those for years except that I could get away with it.
There's a rationalization for everything, in this case that my beloved works at home so it's easier for her to keep after that stuff, but as I've started to do these things, I'm not sure I buy that explanation.
What I have found out is that service submission is much more of a "mind set" than it is a specific set of tasks. There are the normal routines (like these household things), there are things that I do for her - precious few and I treasure them: taking care of her cell phone, wallet, and bag, all of which she often does herself. The only thing I really get to do regularly is the vitamin thing and turning on her bedside light - pretty minor.
And there's being attentive to what she wants. She doesn't make this easy. This morning in the wee hours when she was leaving for a one-week trip, it was "I was wondering whether the tape was upstairs." Not "Get me the tape", not "Could you please get me the tape", not "I was wondering if you would get me the tape." I'm getting better at translating comments like "I was wondering if the tape was upstairs" into things to jump on and do right away. It is somewhat satisfying, but at a fundamental level, not so much, because it forces me to wonder if this is still all in my head - if this is an arrangement of one person: me.
Oh, and a fourth category: things I have no idea if she even notices, like the fact that her wallet always has money in it, and the cars always have gas in them. Or the fact that when she gets up to go in the wee hours, I get up too, make the coffee, carry the bags out to the car etc.
We still haven't figured out what Ms. Rika's "accepting from a position of dominance" actually works out to be in real life.
We have another talk in our future, when she gets back. It *won't* be "Hi honey, you're home. Let's talk about submission." But within a day or two, or I think we'll drift off to a place that doesn't work so well. I am happy to do the service submission things. But I need some acknowledgment of what is happening here.
Pretty much anything she asks if I can do, I respond with "As you wish." But as I mentioned above, she seldom asks. And that's still all in my head.
What I need is...
What I need is...
What surprises me is that I don't know exactly what I need. Some acknowledgment from her that this is happening. Unprompted by me. In a way that I perceive of as meaning something to her.
This may be impossible. This may never happen. I might be able to grow to be OK with that.
There are subtle changes happening around the fact that my time is hers to dispose of, that I'm trying to be around to just make life easier for her. There are random moments when it works: when I'm working on something I'd rather not be doing and she's reading a magazine. But they are few and unacknowledged.
She is also demands perfection in a way that I don't know that I can ever achieve. If I've left the laundry in the washer, to be air dried later, I'm just as likely to come home and find it laid out and done by her. On the one hand, there are only so many minutes in the morning. ON the other, I suppose I could get up early and get there before her. But that's our most intimate time, and I won't give it up, truth be told. If I come home and go upstairs before cleaning the kitchen counter, I'm likely to come down and find her doing it. If I leave a case of oil in the car to remind me to change the oil, I'm likely to find it in entryway.
I can aspire to be better at these things, but I don't know how much better I can actually do.
And now she's away for a week, so the rhythm of things will change. I suggested (I think only once) that she might think about a "honey-do" list for while she's away, but she didn't find time to make one up. I tried not to resent that, even though she mentioned it. She mentioned minor garden maintenance, and suggested she might think of something while she's on the road - I'll be bitterly disappointed if she doesn't, but I don't expect her to.
I think I have myself dialed back to the point that I'm not bugging her. I'm trying as hard as I can. The extent to which I raised this at all yesterday (for example) was to note, as we were in bed, that back-rubs are always on offer. Her response: "I'll have to figure out what my equivalent of a back-rub is."
And I think if we proceed quietly and slowly at this pace, something may happen. Certainly it has in the sex department (more on that in another post). Maybe it will in the "we communicate about this and I feel validated as the the submissive" department as well.
1 week ago