Sunday, May 04, 2008

Stuck at the brink.

So here it is Sunday again - how time flies. Why has nothing happened? Well, a little has - I finished Uniquely Rika, and passed it along to my beloved. She suggested that summary of each chapter might be a bit much since we're going to talk about it anyway. So I just commented that the first half seemed to have much more immediate relevance to us than the second half, and passed the book along to her side of the bed. She mentioned that she had read the introduction. I said that while I wasn't at a place where I wanted to follow each of Ms. Rika's prescriptions as if they were canon, I thought there was a great deal in there to talk about.

One thing led to another - her parents came to visit unexpectedly this weekend, and we haven't had a chance to talk at all.

Also, we did have rather mind-blowing sex on Wednesday, which always lowers my motivation to talk about this stuff. While I'm not going to turn this in to a sex blog, I only get release about 1/3 or 1/2 of the time when we are intimate, as was the case last weekend. And I only can stand not getting release for two or three days after that, until I ask her if I may satisfy myself - to which she pretty much always say yes, somewhat to my disappointment. (When I thanked her for this arrangement some weeks ago and told her I loved her, her reply was "I don't seem to love you so much that I'll say 'No', which is what you want." I reassured her that whatever her choice was would be perfect, and I'm really working towards that.)

This whole dynamic is not 100% successful, but it works pretty well for us. So, having satisfied myself in the morning, I was a little surprised when she initiated intimacy in the evening, and a little more so when she asked me for PIV intercourse. But like I said, it was excellently draining and intimate.

That all notwithstanding, there's been a deeper question bothering me: A long time ago when my beloved and I were taking another run at this same issue, she asked (at the end of a long car ride), "What would be different today if you had been my slave?" (the terms we were using at the time). I was at a loss.

Ms. Rika points out that what is important for the submissive is the intent of dominance from which the dominant accepts service. So just "doing stuff" is not enough for there to be submission, nor would be my beloved's allowing me to "do stuff" for here be sufficient. She needs to accept the stuff that I do from a position of dominance. Now, if I understood Ms. Rika correctly, this isn't a quid-pro-quo, but the establishment of the relationship: I'm doing these things for you because I want to/must; you acknowledge that I'm doing these things for you because we've established that this is the way we want our relationship to work: I do stuff for you, you accept and acknowledge the stuff that I do.

So back when my beloved asked me, "What would have been different today...", I think I now realize that the answer is the understanding and her intent. I do go out of my way every day to make her coffee, plug in her cell phone, lay our her nightgown, and turn on her bedside light - the only things we've identified that work for her.

I do need her to acknowledge every day that I do these things for her. A month or two ago, after a discussion about our arrangement with the necklace and my sexual satisfaction, I suggested that I have the opportunity to mention to her each day how much this arrangement means to me, the "I'm happiest when she controls my sexual release," and that she allow me to thank her for that. Somehow, we never got the words right, but I do believe that what's most important to me about this is the interaction with her, an the acknowledgment that there are things I do for her, and that she's "in charge" in some way.

As I wrote at the end of Standing at the Brink, a ritual that allows me to know this without being burdensome for her would be perfect. I don't know if this "arriving home" one is it, but I hope there is something we can work out.

What I need to be able to tell her is that I like sitting at her feet when we watch a movie or are sitting around. And I need to find out which of these things are not obtrusive or oppressive for her.

So where are we now? Stuck at the brink. Waiting for her to read "Uniquely Rika" (which I'll ask her to do again today), and for us to have a conversation about it, and to find what works for us.

My fear: that she'll say "I hate this stuff and I just can't do it."

My other fear: That I'm looking for something that I'll never find, and that this is just a vain attempt to scratch an itch which can't be scratched this way.

But I don't think there's anyway to confront or resolve those fears without just trying this, with the awareness of those things.

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