Friday, May 09, 2008

Very Small Pleasures

My beloved got home from her event last night, laptop bag in hand. After the customary chit-chat, she was on the couch reading a magazine, and I realized that her bag was still in the hall. I just picked it up and was going to get her computer set up at the base station and upack the bag. As I was walking by with it, she said "Could you get that connected up for me?"

s's comment that one shouldn't necessarily read too much in these things is a good caution, but after 25 years together, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have said that a month ago. But I could be wrong.

I was thrilled. Poking around in the bag, I found three other things that needed to be put away and just went about doing that. Honestly, I was aroused the whole time, which I found a little surprising and embarassing, but quite satisfying as well. I did have to ask one question about where she wanted an item. I really try not to do that, because it screams out "Look at me, I'm doing this stuff and you have to tell me the details". But having been told once, I now know where she prefers it.

I've really been trying to find things that will just make her life easier; this morning she was talking about all the things that need to get done this weekend. I saw one that I could do and just casually said,

"I could do that while I'm doing this other thing. How many?"

"Five...," she said

"And what do I say when they ask what kind, and stuff?"

"I don't know, so just decide."


This could be very very satisfying.

There will be a conversation this weekend. I kind of wonder if she's "trying some of this out" before such a conversation, and I will very much have Ms. Rika's comment in mind about really having this be about what will work for her.

I perhaps depart from her counsel when I think there does need to be some conversation about why we're doing this and what I need from it; I don't think I'm a perfect enough "service submissive" (in her terms) to let the wind blow where it may on that. Maybe I haven't fully internalized this "D/s paradox contradiction" thing, but if it wasn't for what I need, we wouldn't be doing any of this. My beloved would be happier if she could just snap her fingers and have this go away. As, perhaps, would I.

But many many years of wrestling with it, in therapy and out, in deep spiritual practice and out, has convinced me that that's not going to happen - the only way out of this one is through. So we are doing this "for" me, and she's embarking on this because she loves me and wants me to be happy - something that only emerged explicitly in this context, when we talked about it. So I suspect she'll ask, and I'd better have an answer that's as close to the truth as I can determine.

And that answer is not, "I'll be happy if you do this to me" or "I'll be happy if I have to do that for you." That answer has a lot to do with the relationship between us, her expectations of me, my ability to fulfill those expectations, her acknowledgement of those expectations, and some way that those expectations are communicated back to me. At least thats as close as I can figure out right now.

But I am going to tread really softly on that, more softly than I would have without Ms. Rika's admonition. And always uppermost:

  • It's about me working for her
  • It's not about her being anyone other than who she is

Maybe along with "Softly, softly..." it's "In very small increments."

Right now, in standing routines, it's just

  • Coffee
  • Laying out her nightgown
  • Finding and plugging in her cell phone
  • Making sure the light is on on her side of the bed

Everything else is whatever I can figure out in the moment.

Perhaps in our conversation, we'll come up with some other things to add to this list.


Ms RIka said...



I think her comment (as S points out) is a very positive one ("if it isn't going to happen, I would have told you..." - I'm paraphrasing)...because it was not only a non-negative, but it was phrased in an authoritative manner - an acknowledgment that the power of the decision is entirely in her hands...she allows or disallows. She didn't say, "I don't want to"...she said,"I would have told you". I read this as a positive acknowledgement that she perceives her word as final.


Relax... enjoy...

Don't push.

- Rika.

Susan's Pet said...

I think your "tread softly" approach is just fine.