Monday, May 12, 2008

So Slowly

It's my blog, I get to bitch.

This is going so slowly

I'm not sure I can stand it. I want her to look at the list of things to do. I want this to be happening. I want to get beyond having had a discussion about what might happen. I want to do this and work out the details with her.

I get to want.

Phew. Feels much better having vented since there's nobody I can tell.

Seriously, though, I've had a headache on-and-off all day, and a little stress twitch. This part is difficult.

And now I get to be patient and quiet and let this little flower grow on its own.


At all Times said...

I have to say reading your most recent entries, as I just have, it strikes me how formal, and somehow rigid you seem to be making this whole process. Is there a danger that your wife will see this the same way? I do accept the need to communicate, but is there a danger that by taking this too far it will potentially spoil the long term chances of success. Please do not think that I am criticising your approach in anyway as we are all different, and all go about achieving basically the same goals in a variety of different ways. The great thing about these blogs is that we can all see how different approaches work out. You have obviously opened a good line of communication with your wife and given her Ms Riks’s book to read, I on the other hand have avoided open or direct conversation, and have decided that by doing so, especially giving Jane a “book”, would not be appropriate for Jane. Whilst Jane seems happy to accept her position of power within our relationship and is starting to grow more dominant and demanding day-to-day, she has so without the need to formalise everything. Whilst we have had many ups and downs, probably through lack of communication, I am convinced that for Jane, it would have been entirely the wrong approach to have sat her down and tried to map out or formalise what it is I wanted for our relationship. By doing so I am sure that she would have rejected any attempt to make her the “Mistress” of the house, although funnily enough I actually think she is starting to think of herself in that way, the more used she gets to being in charge, and having me attend to her needs. I am sure that you will agree that everyone is different, and there is no one right way of going about this. Having said that, I do believe that in order for a husband and wife to establish a long term WLM it has to be done on the basis that both are comfortable with and equally enjoy their respective new roles within the relationship.

Your wife has read the book, you have had conversations, you have even prepared some lists, maybe its time just to focus on your wife, show her how much you love her, remain attentive and obedient, but allow her time and space to grow into her new position of power, and let her decide how best you can please her. It may not fit your ideal of what a WLM means to you, but unless your wife is comfortable with her part in this, you may never really find the long term feeling that she has accepted and taken control over you. The longer that she still sees this as “your” thing the harder it will be for her to accept and feel apart of it. If I have learned anything about this whole process it is that in order for your wife to feel engaged and therefore more willing to actively participate in this type of relationship, she must feel that it is as much about your feelings and love for her, as it is about you serving her, or being dominated. Once she appreciates this, she is more likely to encourage behaviour and expect you to be attentive and obedient because she feels it is an expression of your love her.

Hope this makes some sense and is taken in the spirit in which it was intended.

Good Luck

Jamie said...

You're totally right about how useful different perspectives are. It was really good to read your comments, and have the context of your blog to put them in.

I like your perspective, which for my purposes I'll interpret as, "So long as no one's misleading anyone else, you don't have to explicitly say everything."

I was at the point of giving up (ok, hopefully just a passing thing) but from your comment am encouraged to continue to find things I can do and just do them.

If she wants to get back to me on the formal lists and the routines, she'll do that.


At all Times said...


Dont get hung up on just doing things, if your wife is anything like Jane, she doesnt want a servant or slave, she is happy to be in charge, but wants more than anything to feel that I am doing things because I love and worship her. If you can prove that to her by being attentive, and loving without expecting her to order you about all the time, then eventually she will become more dominant and assertive the more used she gets to being in charge, knowing that you are prepared to submit to her will.

Ms RIka said...

I'm in agreement with a lack of 'formality' - from the perspective of rigidness. However, communication must be clear. I'm sure you and Jane have communicated clearly and you have discussed your intent to serve her...yes?

My book does not perscribe a specific formal manner to make this communication states that the communication must be clear and separate. The communication of intent to serve and acceptance of that service is far more likely to successful if it is out in the open rather than being a subtle, or 'stealth' undertone.

Actions speak louder than words...however, actions can be easily misinterpretted without open communications!

So 'formal' is an interesting needn't be a black-tie affair, but be sure to send an invitation if you expect your wife to show up at the party!

- Rika.