Saturday, July 24, 2010

What Do I Want. Redux. Also Shame.

Back in December of 2008, I wrote a post titled What Do I Want?. I find myself still asking that question. And I think it's not because I'm totally clueless. Rather I think it's for two reasons:

1) What I want changes over time, and

2) I can't really figure out what I want without engaging with my beloved.

And why can't I do that latter? Because I have this deep sense of shame about what I want, and perhaps who I am - I'm still working on unraveling those.

The shame has been thrown in to stark relief, as you may have guessed from the preceding posts, by listening to Axe and Maymay talk about themselves and talk with their partners about being a submissive man.

I want to get to the place where I can talk about myself like that.

Also thrown into stark highlight by Kathy's comment on her submissive husband as a "real" man. And while I don't feel any less like a "real" man for my proclivities, I do fear that my beloved will feel that way. That that I have one iota of evidence for that. But that's the narrative in my head.

One of the comments my beloved may a long time ago is that she doesn't want to turn me in to a child, and is uneasy that wherever I want to take this relationship, risks going in that direction. Kathy had a comment apropos of that as well.