Thursday, December 11, 2008

What Do I want?

I was going to title this post "Why can't I get what I want" when I realized the answer: I don't really know what I want.

Or rather, I want different things at different times.

There are times, like yesterday, when I want to be "taken in hand." I'm sorry the submissive-wife crowd have appropriated that phrase, because it describes very much how I feel sometimes: I want my beloved to just use me - practically (stuff around the house), for her own good ends (do stuff for her), and kinky-ly (for her sexual satisfaction and my frustration). At times like that, I'm not thinking critically or particularly maturely about the give-and-take of relationships. I'm not thinking pro-actively, about what I can do to serve her (which is mostly in those practical ways), or even what I can do for her (like foot rubs). There's just this need.

I have some ideas what this need is about. I think is is largely as WhateverSheSays put it in his comment to my last post: I want to feel connected to her and I want to feel wanted.

Other times, I want to just know that she wants me to be submissive to her. Kathy gets this dynamic when she describes how her husband is trained to come to her and kow-tow when she snaps her fingers. She knows that he's submitting to her, and she wants him to know it. And there are times when that's all I want: to know that she wants me to be submissive, to know that she wants me to know that I have no choice but to submit to her.

And then there are times when I just want to do stuff for her - around the house, for her, and for her pleasure. When remembering that she mentioned "We should probably get X done" is enough of a command for me to actually do it, and know that I'm doing it because it was her desire. This last is obviously the place I prefer to be. Although without the occasional scenario just above, I don't think I can stay there.

And when I'm in a funk, I think I get to the first above.

If all this is confusing to me, I can just imagine how confusing it is for my beloved. It's amazing she puts up with me.

But I'm very glad she does.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jamie - don't be to hard on yourself, we all have days like that. The simple truth is that no matter how you approach developing your wife led marriage, everyone one of us has a fantasy, has desires, and ideas about how they would like to be treated by their wives, how they would like their wives to act. I suspect almost every man whoever set out on this journey will have assumed that their wives would take to this whole lifestyle much easier, and would have actually enjoyed having an attentive, obedient and submissive husband prepared to do whatever it was that they decided. Apart from the obvious benefits to them, they must also see how much enjoyment and excitement their husbands get from submitting to them. If only couples took the time to communicate more, to understand, experiement or even read up a bit about the subject they would understand what a mutually satisfying relationship could develop from this. And much can be achieved with very little effort from the wife.

Has your wife read Aroundherfinger, I cant remember if you have ever said if you have told her about the site or given her the book.