Friday, December 05, 2008

Potpourri #1: Why Being Denied Works

Since I've been to busy to post anything coherent, I figured I'd catch up on random thoughts before any more of them flee my brain.

Over Thanksgiving

We were at the obligatory relative's house sleeping in (for a change) when one thing led to another (as it so often does in bed...) and my beloved said, "I'm going to cum and you're not." Uhhh. Wow. OK. Not like that's unprecedented or anything, but her thinking about it in advance and saying so certainly is. That was very fun, as I love making her feel good. And I got to have that submissive buzz all day.

But what's more important is the conversation that happened afterwards: "Isn't this the part that would drive most guys nuts?" she asked. In a sudden flash of insight, I realized that the reason I like not reaching orgasm when we have sex is that it gives me permission to desire her. As I've written so many times in the past, there's a lot in this about "permission" for me.

So when I desire her,and orgasm, and lose that immanent desire (lust?), it's like it don't desire her (at least not in the same way) for a while. So when she facilitates that process (by letting me cum), it's like she's saying, "It's not important to me [her] that you desire me." And that's disappointing.

So I told her, not reaching orgasm, wanting her all day, was like having her permission to be in love with her, to desire her. And that is more satisfying than a quick physical pleasure. I was surprised, because I didn't intend to say that, but there it was.

And I think she got it; it was the first formulation of this stuff that made sense to her.


At all Times said...

What a great way of explaining denial to your wife, how could she not refuse you more often, ensuring that she is the centre of your desire and love until she gives you permission.

whatevershesays said...

For me, I'm not sure if the denial gives me "permission." I know that I really like to desire her and being denied, and therefor horny all day, makes it a hell of alot easier...LOL

And denial also means that she was actively thinking about our wifeled marriage and that makes me feel very connected to her and that is what it is all about.

Jamie said...

Thanks, AAT, it just came up in the moment, but like so many thoughts, I'm rolling it around wondering how far it can go. It seems to have "explaining power" for me.

WSS, her "actively thinking about it" is the most satisfying thing I can ever get to. I know she thinks about it more than I think she does, but how I get to an emotional acceptance of that is something I'm still trying to figure out.


Susan's Pet said...


I think I know what you meant, but what you said, holy cow! I could not follow that. Still, it must feel good to have experienced it. Like seeing the pieces falling into place.