Wednesday, December 31, 2008


and not the sexy service kind either...

I've had lots of thoughts of things to blog, but things have been very very busy, so I haven't. FLR-wise, things have been pretty quiet as well. In fact, I can't say as I've been of any use at all to her. Or rather, I've been doing more things around the house, but also having a good opportunity to contemplate what relationship "being a dutiful husband" and "being in an FLR" have with one-another.

I think it all has to do with expectations. If I just make the coffee because it's what I do, then there's no buzz to it. If I just pay the bills or empty the cat litter or take care of the animals because it's what I do, then there's no buzz to it. But if I do the most mundane thing - take out the trash, say - because she told me to, then FLR is happening.

What's that about? I think (as Ms. Rika says), it's about accepting service from a position of power. I think it's about wanting to be recognized for who I am. I think it's using every-day things to reinforce the fact that we have this "different" kind of relationship - or that we have a relationship at all.

Now after 20+ years of relatively happily married life, wouldn't you think that I'd know that we have a relationship? I think it's some kind of emotional "deafness" that makes it hard for me to hear that we do have a special relationship, that makes the reinforcements of an FLR important to me. Call if some kind of emotional insecurity, if you will. So possibly it should be addressed other ways (therapy, anyone? - been there, done that, got the canceled checks to prove it - not a bad endeavor, but in the end not one that seemed to get to the root of the issue).


I like wanting her. That's her giving me permission to love her - her being amused that she's that important to me. I think she got that.

This is more important to me than to her. In fact, the only reason it's important to her is that it's important to me. So my not getting in to bed without her permission in fact, I think, means nothing to her. But it means something to me, and she's would notice if I didn't ask, and she'd know what it meant to me, and so would be displeased. Kind of indirect reasoning, but she doesn't really care for her own sake, but for the sake of the state of mind I'm in.


whatevershesays said...

first, 20+ years...congrats.

I smirked when you said that after 20+ years of marraige you'd think you'd know that we have a relationship?

Most would say sure but how long has it been an open/acknowledged or at least attempted WLM?

My wife explained it this way. She said, "You know, we have always had a wife led marriage." Plain and simple.

Happy New Year

Jamie said...

WSS, thanks for the kind words. One of the many attractions my beloved held for me way back when was her independence and confidence in taking on the world - traveling, doing business overseas, etc. Naive as I was, I was surprised that this didn't immediately translate into assertiveness and dominance in our personal lives.

That, coupled with the fact that I was dreadfully unclear in my own mind about what I wanted, and dreadfully shameful of it, meant (along with 20+ years of great times and family), a lot of overt and covert stress and disappointment on my part.

I'm still learning to ask for what I want. She's still determining whether it's something she can or wants to provide.

I hope we keep working on it.

Happy New Year as well.