Sunday, December 07, 2008

Rituals and Formulas

There's something incredibly erotic to me about rituals and formulas - being made to say something or ask for something. So it's funny that the going to bed ritual we've adopted does not involve my asking to go to bed, but just waiting until it's convenient for my beloved to review my performance for the day.

Which she doesn't, really. More like asks me how the day went, which is not very satisfying. The discussion is good, and is the only reason I had the link to WhippedIntoShape's solitary blog entry up for so long: the discussion (and the one we have when I arrive home from work and wait for her pleasure) doesn't end until she decides that it ends.

That in and of it self is rather satisfying.

But I can't help but want some ritual or formula around it. My fantasy of having to ask her if I can come to bed, or being required to refer to it as "her" bed, or including a phrase in my response to "how was your day?" (her preferred and my least preferred opening to this conversation), like "I served you by...". I could of course do this myself, but it she doesn't care, I don't.

The simplistic formulation is that it's all about what she wants, but of course it's really all about her wanting something that will reinforce the reality of my service to her in our relationship in my mind, which in reality may or may not be what she wants.

I think we'll get places on this, though a combination of my asking for what I need, and my being really really patient and not pushing stuff. But that's hard.


At all Times said...

I know there are many who say that being in a wife led relationship is all about letting the wife lead, and that the man should not pressure or encourage his wife to do things that she is not comfortable with, and I agree, but only to a certain extent. I am not saying that the man should dectate how the relationship develops, but he does need sometimes to help his wife and give her some idea of what he likes or dislikes. If not then, how on earth does she know how to treat him.

Many would call this topping from the bottom, but however you look at this type of relationship it is a two way thing, and both partners should be getting something from it. OK it maybe heavily slanted in favour of the wife, which is as it should be, but you should also feel satisfied to a certain extent.

Asking permission to get into bed maybe to extreme for your wife, she may not want to feel that you are her slave, but only you will know that. but unless you tell her how you feel she will never know, which is rich coming from me, I know, but there are ways in which you can communicate your desires and feelings, even if its only through your actions.

Jamie said...

AAT - you've hit on that delicate balance we seem to need to achieve in these kinds of relationships: both people need to be getting some portion of what they want, but the woman does have to be in charge in some sense.

I suspect I'm not writing very clearly since I'm somewhat "under the weather", but the getting-in-to-bed ritual is one that *does* seem to work for her (and me), and so, is very satisfying

whatevershesays said...

Those "rituals" are important. Our big one is my serving her coffee every morning. Because we don't have alot of actual sex, serving her is what keeps our sex life going.

You've posted alot over the last day. And wow, do I hear you when you say you want her to TELL you to do something or REQUIRE you to ask permission, etc.

I yearn for this too but not because it (the demands) are initself sexually stimulating but that her participation and acknowledgement of our wife-led marriage is what I really enjoy. I enjoy it not only from a sexaul standpoint but also because it make me feel connected to her.

Jamie said...

WHS - you summed up the entire dynamic for me in that last phrase: It's what makes me feel connected to her.

That's what it's all about for me.

(w/r/t posting, there are some virtues to being home sick: lots of time in front of the PC)