I've been meaning to write a post about this for a while because it reveals how we are almost tragically working at cross-purposes with each other.
She expects perfection. Wouldn't I not want her to expect any less? Of course. And she knows that. But what it means is that she doesn't nag, she doesn't suggest, she doesn't remind, or even seem to notice. She knows that I know what needs to be done. So if I'm not doing it, it must be because I can't (which is why this is really a post-script to the previous post below...)
So she does what is necessary and waits for me to get to doing what I can. We experienced the real fallout from this when we picked up the pieces over the accounting - I let some things slide for three months, it got a little ugly to fix (all fixed now), and she said that it was adding to her stress level once I had said I would do it but then didn't.
Of course adding to her stress level was the last thing I wanted to do. And I'm trying to be better about that. Hmmm, in fact I ought to be doing the accounting now....
But of course what I wanted was even a "Where are we with the accounting" and a "Go work on it for an hour now, it doesn't matter how tired you are" or "Go work on it now, the rest of us are going to the movies" or something. Perfection is just knowing that it's supposed to be done so it will be done, and my beloved not worrying about it. Which ought to be more fulfilling for me rather than less. I think it would be easier to be like Her Knight and have a "Princess" who corrected me on all the details. At least I'd know she cares.
And my beloved does care, and I do know that, but I have to learn how to hear that emotionally.
Actually, it occurs to me that I just need to learn how to ask for that. Saying things is hard for me, but incredibly satisfying and erotic. So what would happen if I asked her, "Do you care about this arrangement? Do you care about whether I serve you or not?" We'd probably have a really good discussion about it. I may be a little too under-the-weather today, but soon.
1 day ago