Monday, May 19, 2008

I'm not very good at this

Lest I forget
  • This morning she got the crumbs off the counter because I didn't get there first

  • She started to get the trash down to the curb before I started to help with that because I didn't get there first

  • She IM'ed me with a reminder about the phone-call chore I was supposed to do today, but I hadn't gotten to yet. The only right answer for that one would have been "Yup, it's done."

Not good, but lest I appear totally hopeless, the laundry is coming along well and she mentioned transferring over the bill paying responsibilities to me this evening (something we knew we would have to do together - it has lots of ins and outs).

So in the end, things I did this evening that I wouldn't otherwise have done:
  • Brought the trash stuff back up from the curb

  • Balanced the check book

  • Put money in her wallet - she mentioned she was out

  • and the two standing items
  • Turned on her bedside light

  • Put her vitamins close at hand for her when brushing her teeth

Which overall doesn't sound like a lot, but I think it's sustainable and hopefully I can grow from here.

And all this is incredibly boring, but isn't life, in the chop-wood-carry-water kind of way.

This is harder than it looks.

And I love it. I just hope to all get-out that she does. I hope to check in with her again on Wednesday.


s said...

I try to remember that the point is "effort", rather than the completion of a laundry list of chores.

Here's an example: I almost always make our bed. However, today she ended up getting to it before me. My immediate reaction was's my job, and I don't want her to have to do it. But for several reasons, those feelings aren't appropriate, and I have to keep them in check. One technique I've learned is to thank her for making the bed (or for putting her dishes in the sink). This is my little way of letting her know that I consider it to be her favor to me, and that she might rightfully consider it to be my job.

Ms RIka said...

That's a pretty good approach, 's'. I once heard a great question designed to trap women...
'Do you think a husband should help out around the house?'

I know this crowd won't get fooled...but you can imagine how easy it would be to be duped into saying 'yes, of course!'.

Obviously, the phrase 'help out' implies it's the woman's responsibility...and the husband is just 'helping' her. As subtle as little words like this are, they demonstrate the underlying, deeply engrained attitudes we have as women and men.

So... a 'thank you for helping me' is very much in order...and the subtle message definitely says what you want it to say!

One thing that I had to learn to get over in the beginning, is that I used chores in a passive-aggressive way. By doing a chore before my husband, I subconsciously was preventing him from serving me. I was taking away his right to serve without openly confronting the problem that was causing me anger or disappointment. I did it without wasn't a deliberate action...but once I realized I was doing it, I found other ways to manage the situation! We're both much happier because of it.

I'm glad to see both of you working so hard to make service-oriented D/s work for you! I can't wait to hear from your wives!

- Rika.

All For Her said...

The beauty is in the small things, especially since we can't always show our appreciation in the "big ways".
I'd say I'm in a very "subtle" WLM. My wife acknowledges that she is in charge, etc... but there are still very subtle ways in matters like this where she can show she is in charge and I can accept it without too much hassle.