An unsuccessful attempt to describe where my head's at

I was listening to Axe's interview with SubmissAnne(?) And she was talking about pony play, which I've been fascinated with looking at but n never thought about doing.the depersonalization aspect really appeals to me.  She talked about the relationship between the driver/trainer and the pony, particularly wrt dressage, and it sturck a chord. The idea of being trained so that - in her words - your muscle memory responds to the commands of the trainer gets you to a totally submissive nonverbal place. I would love that. She also talked about dressage, which I've seen horses do and never gotten. But when she describes it as "obey, command, obey, command, obey, command" I go all melty inside

Later she talked about blinded obstacle courses for the ponies guided by the trainers. Absolutely intoxicating.  The whole dynamic between the trainer and the point she made sound very intimate. I want to take one or both of the clips where she talks about that and save them.

In a previous interview Axe talked to a mistress who had something of a sub specialty in working with couples, so long as the woman on the couple was the one who made the contact. ( http://www.mistressmorgana.com/couples/ and http://www.mistressmorgana.com/faq/ ) I know that his partner Sade also does couples work.

THIS IS VERY ATTRACTIVE

I feel, with minimal data to substantiate this, that my beloved is warming slightly to the idea of being dominant but that it's still really important that no one else know ... except that she's determined that she has a co worker at her fairly small non profit who is on fet life, and she seems intrigued by that fact.

Which, I hope, opens the door to working with someone around this.  We've determined that I have an ambiguous attitude towards being a service sub - it's not exactly second nature, especially when the going gets rough, but it has its attraction. I think I could be trained In to it and she could learn how to help keep me on that space - that assuming she wants to.  But clearly the current "whip saw" nature of the arrangement where I'm in to it very much sometimes and less other times is very unsatisfactory to her.

Right now the arrangement's down to making her coffee on the mornings and totally no sex for me without permission (simulation or orgasm).  I'm waiting for her to decide that it's time for something more. There are two factors promoting that "waiting": there were a number of things that I was doing that I felt were more for me - or motivatted by me - than by/for her. Two I can think of were opening the car spot for her and kissing her feet once a day.

To go in to more detail: opening the car door (or doors in general) is an old time chivalry thing.  When I felt she didn't care about it, I did it as a barometer of how submissive I was "feeling.  It turns out that she noticed! Specifically, she felt jerked around when this behavior came and went. Where as I was thinking "I don't want to impose this expectation on her and I'll do it if it allows me to feel submissive and this won't be too oppressive to her."

Kissing her feet to me was different: telling her that I wanted to be required to do this every day was my way of saying "whether I'm 'in to this' or not on a given day, at this minimal level, it is real and I need to do this."  After one day where there was no obvious moment to do this, we talked and clearly she had the expectation that I would go out of my way to do this and I had the expectation that I didn't want to impose this on her.

The end of this discussion was that I suggested/asked that she whip me sufficiently with the crop that their should be no doubt in my mind that of there were any possibility of my kissing her feet during the day, that I should leap at the opportunity rather than doubt.  This involved moving whipping from "funishment" to punishment, which can be a hard line for her to perceive (not surprisingly - absent a lot of feedback, how would you know?).  In the event, we never got to test that out due to the press of family commitments and travel.

And shaving her legs? And painting her toenails? And rubbing her feet?  Where did these all go? I know she's peeved about the shaving her legs going away.

Finally, I want to highlight a comment made recently on Krista Tippett's "on being."  She interviewed Joy Ladin, a m-to-f t transsexual professor of poetry who transitioned in her mid-40's.    She said that one of the hardest things for her for 40+ years was to"play the role" of "male" 24x7.  I couldn't figure out why that statement resonated so much with me given that I realized long ago that the attraction of being female for me was not as compelling as of it Is for people who in the end identify as transsexual.

I kind of figured out out tonight, as the press of family commitments made this weekend In to less of a refuge than a series of commitments to be completed, that I was feeling disappointed and oppressed by the prospect of having to be "normative." Internally I had looked forward to  having the opportunity to be naked and at her feet for some part of the weekend.  It was that feeling of not having to pretend that I really identified with.

I think that that realization interacts with the desire to seek some outside expertise both for the wisdom they might offer - can we (and I mean WE)  get over the idea that no one has anything to teach us? And for the acknowledgement that this is "real" and in some sense who I am.

Why, in retrospect, is that do satisfying to write? I feel peaceful and calm.  I think the acknowledgement of who I am in all this, means something to me.