Thursday, October 05, 2006

What's normative? What's true? And why write?

This started out as a reply to Saratoga and Polyfetishst's comments on my last post, but quickly got out of hand, so I guess it gets to be a post of its own.

I find that Saratoga has a very prescriptive style of writing which I suspect some people find off-putting. It certainly makes me read things twice before I (think I) get what he actually means.

I found Candace's writing titillating and amusing, and some of the questions she raised about her relationship, interesting. A long time ago, I tried to cultivate the habit of suspending judgement on the "truth" value of stories which I couldn't verify anyway. The "truth" by which I evaluated them became more as I evaluate fiction: "Does it speak to an emotional reality that I couldn't easily gain access to otherwise?" If so, then, there's a "truth" there worth considering.

As someone who's been struggling with this issue for oh, say 35 years now, I found Ms. Rika's writing clear and from a striking different point of view, and thus appreciate it. I don't think I find it "sympathetic" (to borrow Polyfetishist's term), but it feels like a tonic to me.

I certainly don't mean to give either of them normative power, but my goal in reading around the blogosphere is get as many points of view from real experience as I can. And there's a certain voyeuristic thrill to it, which I find actually detracts from the clarity that I'm seeking.

I'm writing about my exploration and my process of bringing this in to the open in my relationship with my beloved wife. So I do expect that the whole thing will grow and change, and even that it will change markedly before we get to being explicit about it; that's OK with me.

I think the "She comes first" formulation is rather simplistic, but sometimes I find, strong simplistic statements are good for changing my point of view. I agree with your friend "V" that a domme with a "I come first" attitude would probably have a short run on relationships. But from the sub point of view, that's probably a valid point of departure. From the Dommes point of view I suspect it's something like "I get a strong claim on this person's time and attention" along with "I'm responsible for how I use that claim." But that's wild conjecture, since I'm pretty far from that mind set.

It looks like perhaps Polyfetishist and I share this trait that makes is a little more focussed on the needs of our partners than of ourselves; this is in general, not a good thing, I think. Or can certainly lead to problems, while it also provides benefits of empathy.

1 comment:

saratoga said...

In my own defense, I feel compelled to challenge your assertion that I have a 'very prescriptive style of writing....'

Rather, it's my style of conditional analysis. Few, if any, readers feel the need, or desire, or whatever, to point to flaws in my logic, given my assumptions or starting conditions.

A few, such as Lenora, Marquise, or Skye, MLb, or Destiny/chance. But most readers don't really pay attention to the carefully constructed approaches I tend to develop.

So, if it's prescriptive, that's the result of the logic employed, rather than my emotional leanings.

As to the issue of 'she comes first,' vs. 'she gets a significant claim,' it can be some of both, imo.

That's how my Mistress and I are. Within the realm of what I can give her, she comes first. She may see that as 'she gets a significant claim.' But, for practical purposes, when together, she does come first. But she's wise enough to make some of her needs, my needs or desires.

That way, we both are fulfilled, and happy.