Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Our Arrangement

It's taken much longer than I expected to put up the essence of our arrangement. Partly that's due to the fact that I wanted to think about it and give some context to the things we do and decisions we've made. On two occasions I was delayed because I made inappropriate decisions that resulted in writing a number of lines during the time that I intended to work on this.

In the course of editing, I realized that the arrangement we are working on has three parts - the context, the privileges and obligations we've taken on (or, in my case, privileges I've renounced), and the rituals we use to remind ourselves of what we're doing. The first two parts are posted here; rituals will have to wait for another evening.

Context
My beloved and I live in a “Female Led Relationship” because I need tangible manifestations of the love and connection that we share. My beloved has agreed to provide those manifestations in contexts that are either fun or useful to her or that carry great meaning for me. Those manifestations of love and connection take form as a privileges I have surrendered and obligations I have assumed. These allow my beloved to restore those privileges at her prerogative, often linked to my performance of the obligations I have taken on.

My beloved’s awareness of my behavior, which she demonstrates by restoring privileges or requiring me to perform some action, fulfills my need to feel cared about.

Since this arrangement came in to being through my need, I have an incentive to keep my beloved engaged and interested in the arrangement. I do so by constantly seeking ways to be of service, doing things for her which she finds pleasant, which she finds it convenient not to have to worry about, or which are tedious and she would otherwise have to do.

The particulars of the arrangement between me and my beloved are things that work for us - things that fit those three categories of service, privileges that feel meaningful, and activities that are fun.

The Particulars of Our Arrangement
The most important thing in my life, after the children’s well-being, my beloved’s well-being, and my own well-being, is this Female Led Relationship with my beloved.

I have renounced the following privileges:
  1. I have no privacy in my thoughts. I have an obligation to volunteer to my beloved any thoughts regarding our arrangement. I have an obligation to answer all questions candidly and without reservation.
  2. I have no right to make commitments for myself or the family. When decisions are necessary and my beloved is not available, I will, as much as possible, make commitments conditional upon her approval.
  3. I have no right to disagree with a decision made by my beloved. I may contribute information to her decision by asking, ‘May I contribute some thoughts to this?’ This includes, but is not limited to situations where she is missing important information, or her decision would jeopardize my work or make my submission obvious to observers.
  4. I have no right to stimulate my own penis, which my beloved regards as hers. I may ask her for permission to do so, at least 24 hours after any other sexual activity, and not more than once every 24 hours.
  5. I have no right to orgasm unless invited to do so by my beloved. When stimulated, if I believe an orgasm is imminent, I will advise my beloved.
  6. I have no right to sleep other than naked. When away from home, I may ask for the privilege of sleeping not-naked.
  7. I have no right to sleep in my beloved’s bed. She may invite me to her bed when she chooses. When we are apart, I may text her with a request to get in to bed when I am ready to go to sleep. Absent a response, I may get in to bed an hour later. Unless invited into bed, I may only fall asleep on the floor beside my beloved’s side of the bed.
  8. I have no right to post to the blog. I may prepare drafts which my beloved will approve, edit, disapprove, or send back for editing.
  9. I have no right to read, write, view, or listen to submission-related material while at work.
  10. I have no right to spend any money on submission-related material (on-line or other) without asking my beloved.
I have assumed the following obligations:
  1. Keep track of my failure to perform any of my obligations, as soon as I notice them, or as soon as I am notified of them by my beloved.
  2. Report to my beloved once a day, by e-mail, reporting short-comings in my performance, listing consequences in force for previous short-comings, detailing activities I liked during the day, and providing other observations on the FLR.
  3. Review once a day with my beloved, my performance during the day.
  4. Be able to list at any time the consequences in force for prior short-comings in performance. Failure to be able to so do results in the short-coming in performance remaining unresolved.
  5. Immediately obey any request made when my beloved begins a sentence with “I want,” “I need,” or “You will,” or anything in the tone of a command.
  6. Make my beloved a double latte every workday morning when we are both at home, and other mornings on request.
  7. Keep gas in cars at all times.
  8. Keep cash in my beloved’s wallet at all times.
  9. Plug in my beloved’s cell phone every night.
  10. Be responsible for some personal-care items for my beloved.
My beloved has agreed to do the following things for me:
  1. Honestly tell me how she feels about our arrangement.
  2. Impose a consequences for obligations I did not fulfill, based on the daily report. She will tell me what consequence is a result of what unfulfilled obligation, and will try to choose consequences that feel connected to the failure.
  3. Impose consequences at her whim, and tell me that’s why she chose them.
  4. Text me when I fail to do something, or she is displeased about something.
  5. Give me feedback about how my service is working for her during the daily report.
  6. From time to time, ask me what consequences are in force, and what they’re for.
  7. Decide when and how we have sex. Tell me how she feels after each time we have sex of any kind. (If she forgets, I may ask.)
  8. Love me for who I really am.

3 comments:

subservient-husband said...

Great post. Looks like the product of a lot of effort. Sounds like you two are enjoying each other and the WLM dynamic. The fun thing is doing the way you two find most enjoyable and it looks like you are.

One thing, the #1 in the privileges section I find a little topping-from-the-bottom'ish. If you are free to speak your mind all the time about things you want different, it can turn into a real pesty thing for your wife. "Why does he keep asking me for BLANK when it is not something I am comfortable with?"

I really like the daily review and using txt msg. Both of those sound like really good ideas.

Enjoy!

Weave said...

Very nice! I wish I had a contract ready for my Wife like this one... alas, some day. Sounds like you are doing well. :)

Jamie said...

SH: thanks for your comment. Our objective is certainly to have fun in this dynamic, since I seem to be stuck with it , and she seems to be stuck with me!

Regarding "topping from the bottom", I think that's all about the communication dynamic you have with your partner. If I'm trying to manipulate her or wheedle something out of her then I might keep bringing something up over and over. But we've committed to communicate better than that: if she says "not interested" then she's not interested. End of story. If it turns putt to be something I can't let go of then we'll need to talk about she can do this as a treat for me,i can work through letting go of it, or some other way of scratching that itch. She's alluded to this but it han't become an issue yet.

On the rate occasions when I've caught myself trying to be manipulative,i tell her - that's what the point about private thoughts is about, and either we discuss it or she choses a consequence to remind me not to do that.


Weave, this contact wasn't ready for my beloved to sign, and it's not really a contract so much as a memorandum of understanding. In fact it sterns from her notes and thoughts on how this might work and had been back and forth between the two of us numerous times.

For us it's a shared project that has a lot to do with communications.

Sorry for the typo's; editing on the smartphone is not smooth...