Sunday, November 28, 2010

Love, Serve, Obey

Love, Serve, Obey

That's been my manta with my beloved since we started our FLR some months ago. This morning, lying with my head in the crook of her arm, I realized a bit more about what is happening with that mantra.

I love her all the time.

When I serve her, I get to say "I love you" with my actions. A day when I don't get to serve her is NOT a good day. Though that happens, it doesn't happen very often. That's why it's important for me to know that she knows that I'm serving her. What's the point of saying "I love you" if your beloved can't hear it? (Okay, it's not completely pointless but I hope you get the idea.)

That's related to the point of Lady Grey's post on Please, Thank You, and Denial . For me, there are two big caveats in referring to this post: 1) The relationship that kicked off Lady Grey's thinking is very different from ours, and 2) Lady Grey's relationship is very different from ours. Nevertheless, I get a thrill when she says:
When I'm faced with [a gift from my submissive], I simply say "that's very nice" or something of that sort, which acknowledges the gift without having to say thank you. I'm not thankful that he's brought me a gift any more than I'm thankful that he's following my orders. It's expected. Following orders is expected. Being given gifts is expected. There's a constant expectation and assumption of service in a D/s situation ... and the only "please" or "thank you" that will be heard is when it's coming out of my sub's mouth.
I have commented before that my beloved is a hyper-considerate person. "Please" and "Thank you" are in her nature. And while I wouldn't try to change that, I felt that it was important to acknowledge where a service being performed by a submissive is different from a gift being given in a symmetrical relationship (for lack of a better term - our relationship is asymmetrical, which isn't to say un-equal, but which is probably worth its own post). Put another way, I do things for my beloved not ONLY to make her happy, but to tell her that I love her. So for us, finding a way to distinguish that might be very useful.

Obedience is something I get to do less often, which makes it more fun and more valuable. That having been said, I'd like to do it more (unlike some other pleasurable activities which I could mention...). Obedience is my way of answering her implied question: "Do you love me?" The harder obedience is, the more, to me, it says, "Yes, I love you." That's the value of her making tasks harder, or making them gratuitously hard. She sends me little "I love you"s by text or IM on some days - little silly things to do like not sitting down for a period of time or not eating something, or eating something I don't like. That way she says to me, "I want you to be thinking about me" and "You love me enough to do this, right?" I am very grateful for those, and I am grateful for the difficulty they present.

Even my nightly check-ins with her by e-mail have that value. They say, "Do you care enough about this relationship dynamic to do the inconvenient thing and e-mail me every night?" Fortunately, the answer is (almost) always "Yes." The consequence for not doing so, is the (harder) reminder, that I said it was, and forces me to contemplate the reason why it didn't happen.


OctopusHeart said...

It sounds like you're saying since your wife has begun to truly **embrace** (rather than only 'identify' and 'accept') your natural love symbols of service, obedience and submission with her own corresponding symbols of coercion and upping the 'I love you ante", that you now feel as if she's really begun 'hearing' you say 'I love you' **through** your service, obedience and submission love symbols. Is this right?

OctopusHeart said...

Also looking forward to your take on (a)symmetrical / (un)equal.

subservient-husband said...

Mr. Jamie,

One thing of note for me in the post is how you take in on yourself to initiate doing nice things for her. Really that is your job. She should not be burdened with having to think of things for you do to do. You should have that burden and make the offer of service.

"May I please wash your car?"

"No, not tonight, but over the weekend yes."

While you wash the car, you feel pleasure and she gets a clean car.

Anyway, don't worry about the please and thank you thing. Every woman is different. You should try to tune into the wants of yours so you can mold yourself submissively to what those wants may be.

take care.


Jamie said...

So sorry for the delay on posting these, but for at least a couple of these days my beloved eliminated my access to the blog as a way of reminding me to be more diligent about my duties to her.

OH - to your first comment, you'd get a better read from my beloved than from me; I'll just give you "what I think she's thinking." But I love the way you frame the dynamic as her embracing "my love of symbols of service, obedience, and submission." This is such a wonderful contrast to many of the ways I conceived of this in the past, and puts it very positively. Thank you.

I'll get to asymmetry and equality some time; I've been thinking about it for a long time.

SH - You're quite right about it being the role of the submissive to find and either do or ask for permission to do things for his beloved. I'm only middling good at that and appreciate any hints I get from her.

Jamie said...

What I was trying to say about the please and thank you thing was just as you suggested. I don't think I was very clear.

That all used to be very important to me. Now, though I suppose it's still my preference if she were to omit them, she is the wonderful person she is, and "please" and "thank you" seem to be part of the package.

(But to be honest, I think she's experimenting with leaving them out on occasion. I suppose if it feels right to her she'll continue, and if not, then not.)

Miss Lilly said...

Thank you for putting me on your blogroll. I have a new blog, so every little bit helps.

For the topic at hand, I do not say please to my husband. It doesn't feel right and I don't want to. But, when he has done something remarkable for me, I do say thank you. Sometimes, I grab his face, kiss him on the forehead, and thank him while looking into his eyes. It's a special moment.