Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Some context about the preceeding two posts, and a step forward

The astute reader will notice that the preceding two posts are separated by about two weeks. 

As my beloved so trenchantly noted, our life had devolved into the thoroughly mundane due to a number of external stresses.  My post was supposed to be the first step in examining that and seeing if there was a basis for renewing our special relationship, or if this was going to be my "problem" and fantasy life for the foreseeable future.  Clearly an unsuccessful step, partly because I did not write from an awareness of how serious the situation was.

During a long car ride on an otherwise very stressful night, we started talking about this, and she read my post.  The reaction is there for you to see.

We talked a lot more on that night, and in the end I wrote (in the form of an email) much more of what I should have written in the first place.


A second try at where my head's at:

Ok, I'm trying to remember what it was I was supposed to write...
  1. About why I suddenly stopped doing what we were doing
  2. About the differences between submission and service 
  3. Ideas about where to go from here
I've put off writing this long enough / haven't felt like there was time to write it because there was always something more important, that I've blown it up in to a big thing.  I think I was also afraid of getting it "wrong" and getting a big reaction. 

Why I suddenly stopped doing what we were doing....

Beyond all the busyness and lack of brain-share, I was very unclear as to what you cared how much about the following
  • My only having permitted orgasms - I knew you cared a lot about that because you'd said so.  So that was never an issue.
  • Making coffee - I know you appreciate that a lot.  I felt really bad about not making you coffee when you left on business at 5AM.
  • Personal service - shaving your legs and doing your toe-nails.  Sometimes that was a time thing, sometimes that was a "laziness" thing, and sometimes it's just not something that I'm naturally "in-to."  That made it easy in my mind for me to slack on those.
  • Kissing your feet when I arrive home - I wasn't sure whether that was a "me" thing that you agreed to, or if it meant anything to you.  In our subsequent conversation, it clearly does mean something to you, but I didn't know that at the time.
  • Opening doors - I really felt that that was a "me" thing that that I'd just do it to make myself feel better and that you didn't care about it.  So I felt free to quit.
  • What specific things have I forgotten?
We talked about how, in the bigger sense of things, we fell out of communicating.  I think we need to create a space to do that.  At some point we remarked on the fact that if you're doing a "normal" set of social roles, there's lots of support in the environment for that and lots of expectations, etc.  Whereas if we're doing what we're doing, we have to make it up as we go along.  That's harder and requires more communication.  I think after having had a good but difficult conversation in the car, we need to be careful not to do that again.

About the different components of this in me:
  • Sexually submissive - my whole life and always.
  • Submissive in daily life - not so much.  Somewhat, because it leads to sexual submission.  Somewhat, as an exercise because it affirms this "different" relationship that I want to have.  But also something I could be better at if that's what we wanted (which sometimes I do, and which other times I do as an affirmation of the relationship, and which sometimes I'm not sure I do.)
  • Service-oriented - sometimes.  Like submissiveness in daily life, only more so.  There are times when I really like it.  There are times when I really want to rub your feet because its a way of communicating to you.  There are times when I love shaving your legs or doing your toe-nails, and times when I am not so much in to that. 
  • Sensation-play - Always, I think.  It's like sex, only with my whole body....
  • Fetish stuff - shiny clothes, boots, etc - the Magpie effect.  Always.
Here's one possible take-away from this whole episode: I am eager for you to set the terms of the relationship, if not unilaterally, then at least for you to propose what you want it to look like, as you said to me, based on what you've come to enjoy or appreciate.  You said that my coming and going around parts of this made you feel like a fool.  In a similar (but different) vein, my doing all these things that I didn't think you cared about made me sometimes feel foolish, and I'm still getting over the feeling that you'd prefer it if I just didn't do them.  I get, from what you said, that this is not so.  But I'm working on internalizing it.

I had suggested at one point that part of the issue with kissing your feet when I arrive home (which I REALLY LIKE as an indication that, regardless of what else is happening, our relationship is different), was that I wasn't sure if it meant anything to you and I was unsure when it was appropriate and when it wasn't.  My suggestion around this was to get whipped severely enough that I really wouldn't want to go there again, and would, in any way possible strive to kiss your feet so as not to be subject to that.  I don't think I necessarily worded this quite right, but I want to just get this out.
That could go for shaving your legs or painting your toenails.  I dunno, just a (scary) thought.  [This came out of a long discussion of punishment vs "funishment" that wasn't very conclusive.  The idea here was to do straight pain - not fetishized - to change behavior - to make me err on the side of kissing your feet when I arrive home.  It remains an area that we're exploring.]

It's hard to express how much I appreciate the entire concept of the collar and you're taking the initiative on that.  It really does help me understand that this is something that you want and are willing to take ownership of (pun intended).

I love you a lot and I really appreciate your exploring this with me.  I'm very very lucky.  You're very very terrific.

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