Thursday, April 17, 2008

Where are we going?

So I ordered a copy of Uniquely Rika. This is a little more complicated than it seems. One of the hard and fast rules my beloved and I agreed upon some time ago was that I wouldn't spend any money on "this stuff" without telling her. She does the bills, and neither of us wanted her to discover a "What's that?" charge on one of the credit cards.

So to order Ms. Rika's book from Lulu, I needed to use a credit card, and to do that, I needed to ask her if that was OK. She wasn't enthused, but was very supportive in suggesting that I try to figure out why it's so hard for me to talk about this stuff. She also said she realized, from our past approaches to dealing with my fascination with dominant women, how common this is. All in all, very reassuring. She really is terrific, which makes me wonder what my fear is about.

So now that the book is coming tomorrow, where do I want to go with that? From reading Ms. Rika's website, I know that there is terminology in there that will turn my beloved right off - anything about D/s lifestyles and dommes. If she reads past that - and I'm assuming that the book is a superset of what's on the website - then I'm pretty sure there are ideas she will like.

Do I
  1. Read the book and just try to implement it
  2. Just ask her to read it, without my reading it and see if she chooses to go anywhere with it?
  3. Read the book, do an introductory commentary on the chapters, and ask my beloved to read it?
  4. Read it and then ask her to read it and then discuss it?

I actually know the answer to these questions: #1 and #2 are just my fantasies and would be a really bad idea. Between #3 and #4, I think I'll just ask her which she would prefer. I've read enough of what Ms. Rika has written that I know it's all about communication. In fact I pitched this as a book with insight about communications between a couple with interests like this, so I hope that proves out.

What's scarier is that this starts moving all this into the realm of real possibility. I think that was what made/makes the whole necklace thing so big: it is a lever for conversation - I have to ask, and that is really big. And it has helped us change the dynamic of our sex life.

I suppose I should talk about that latter. We've had, I would say, three really good conversations about my desire to submit over the last three years. (Wow, sounds kinda pathetic, but I guess it beats none...) Somewhere between the first and the second, we established that sex would be for her pleasure. This was, I think, actually helpful for her to become comfortable with her sexual desires and feelings she might have had as to whether she was disappointing me in the frequency of her desire - another reason why my having to ask for release is important.

She has become more comfortable initiating sex when she wants it, declining my advances when she doesn't want them, and (most fun for me), deciding herself whether penetration is something that would enhance this sexual episode for her or not. She tells me when (and if) she wants me to enter her. I don't think she really believes that I enjoy sex without penetration (or physical climax), but I do. Somehow the "all about her-ness" of it I find really really exciting. I'd say I go without maybe 20% of the time when we have sex. I'd like more that to be more often, and penetration to be more of a special event, but I've figured out that it's all about her, stupid, so I'm happy to have her call the shots.

Prefiguring some of Ms. Rika's book (from the website), I did mention that I thought a lovely birthday present would be to do without for a couple of weeks, followed by an opportunity for intercourse, but pitched that as a present for me. In general, the whole talking about this and asking for what I want is really big. (Have I mentioned that before? Only three or four times in this post alone...)

In one of our recent good conversations, I mentioned that I enjoy doing things for her - it's a physical way of saying "I love you" and "I'm feeling connected to you." Right now, it's a pathetically small number of things - coffee in the morning, laying out her nightgown so it's easy to put on, finding her cell phone and plugging it in in the evenings (Thank you, Ms. Rika) but sometimes she gets to it first, which makes me sad. When I asked her about what else might go on that list, she suggested making sure the light is on at her side of the bed if I go to bed first (which doesn't come up much, but I do remember when it does). To which I've added cleaning the cat box.

Somewhere back in previous posts, I mentioned a guy who decided he was going to do an FLR right away, and posted some ridiculous to-do lists for himself - day 1, day 2, etc. I'm not going there, especially because it's my nature to jump in to things too fast. But adding things one at a time, at a pace that I think I can sustain will be fun.

So Ms. Rika's book arrives and then what? I guess I read it. I caveat the parts that I think will put her off, and then I ask her to read it. And then we talk about it. Since I'm going to be away for four days, maybe we put it on the shelf until I get back, so we can read, talk, and implement, all of which can't happen if I'm away.

Actually, one of the reasons I like writing the blog is because, upon reflection like this, I find things are going much better than I might have thought.

If anyone reads this marathon post, I'll be amazed, especially since it's pretty low on pictures. But it does me good to write it I think. There's much more to say; feels as if the dam has burst by starting the writing, but gotta go.

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