Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A Year!

Amazing that it's been a year since my last post. Thanks to Mistress Laura's boy for pointing that out to me. I can wonder why, but suffice it to say that it's been a very busy year, mostly in ways that have nothing to do with this blog.

That did get me thinking, however, about why I haven't been posting and why I continue to be interested in... in... whatever it is that we call this ... TTW(wanna)D ... And why blog at all.

Surprisingly enough, I have some answers (at least for myself).

Since my beloved and I started our little arrangement with the necklace that in some way "took the edge off" my need. I am very grateful to her for this arrangement. The old demon raises its head in the form of "I'm pretty sure this doesn't mean anything to her" - a quick refresher as to how this works for us: it's a "virtual chastity belt" i.e. I'm not allowed sexual release while I'm wearing it, and I'm not allowed to take it off. So I need to ask her to take it off, and she'll tell me when I have to give it to her to put back on.

Well, one time, in the chaos that was some time over the last year, I forgot to bring it to her to put on, and she didn't mention anything. The original forgetting was completely inadvertent. The not bringing it up later was "pushy bottom" - did she really care? Well some days later (this was long enough ago that I don't remember how many), she said "Hey, what ever happened to the necklace?", and I found it and put it on.

But something very profound happened in that interaction: I realized how important the talking about all this is to me. Intellectually, I know that this woman really loves me, but her willingness to talk about my compulsions around this sex thing reminds me emotionally that it's really true: here she is willing to do something that I know she doesn't particularly enjoy, because it's important to me. Wow.

It reinforced to me that how important those conversations are to me. We thought we'd try a little thing where I thank her each day for doing this thing for me - a way of having a little conversation about it, but it doesn't seem to have worked, I'm not sure why. I haven't done it and she hasn't mentioned it - more "pushy bottom"? I don't think so.

I mean, we have a real understanding here that this is about me, not her.

Why blog? I'm not happy with the amount of time I spend thinking about this stuff and reading other blogs about it. I'm hoping that having a place to actually talk about what I'm thinking will help me just acknowledge it and get on with the rest of my life. Remains to be seen how effective that is.

But also because "talking" about this will, I hope, help me figure out what I want, and how by beloved and I can come up with something that works for us.

Lest the best be enemy to the good, up this goes, with blog housekeeping and some reflections written over the last several month to follow.

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