Saturday, January 23, 2010

Figuring out what's not working, or an emo whine

What's not working about our sex life? Just the fact that I can put it that way says a lot about where we've come to. I've been listening to unspeakable axe's masocasts recently and am amazed by what it sounds like to hear intelligent articulate not-fucked-up people talk about kinky sex. While I talk a good line about being sex positive, I don't think I'm very good at it.

Until I can talk to my beloved about Mistress Matisse's blog and about the Masocasts (to name two), I'm not really as comfortable with this as I'd like to believe.

I think there are two problems: 1) I do have a sexual addiction. By this I mean that I'm not totally on control of when I seek out sexual material and I think about it way more than I would like to. I don't think the latter would be a problem I it weren't for the former. But on the "you are what you think about" premise, if I'm not going to be a sexuality advocate then I need to be thinking about this less. (Forever In Her Service talks about this more positively than I have been in "My Inner Addict".)

2) I'm not going to be a sexuality advocate (better get around to defining that soon) because my beloved simply isn't very interested in sex. I mean she likes it well enough, but if that particular dish wasn't on the menu more than once in a blue moon, I don't think she'd miss it.

And I don't think this is because sex is physically unsatisfying. After having lived together for about 30 years, she's having more orgasms than she used to because we've set up sexual intercourse so that it's all about her pleasure. But in that perverse way that people joke about a reluctant wife dominating her husband - "you want me to do things to you only at my whim? Well, I choose not to dominate you; serve me by being vanilla" - she enjoys the sex we have but doesn't do much for me. Even something as simple as asking her to pinch my nipples is something that happens very rarely. And if it's very rarity were a part of some other dynamic - "this is a reward for you" - I could deal with that.

Instead, it's all only about her pleasure whenever we have sex - not even an acknowledgment by her that "you're no getting off because I don't feel like it" which itself would be very hot.

In truth, I have to cut the woman a lot of slack because I've said it's all about her. I think we need to re-talk over the dynamic so that it's about us both being fulfilled. That's why the comment from the Masocast episode that I referred to in a previous post from struck me so deeply - learning what we want is, for some of us, an iterative process. So while saying "I truly deeply believe that I am happiest serving you" may be true at the time I said it, it may equally and honestly not be true after six months of trying it out. It's a lot to expect someone to accompany that journey when she doesn't really care about the subject matter.

I suppose this sounds a lot lime whining about my beloved, and it's true that I'd love to wave a magic wand and have her know exactly what kind of relationship I'd like to have, particularly as I don't know that myself. But failing that, I would like to have her put some energy into the journey with me, beyond the (admirable) "what would you like me to do next?". I know (because I've asked) that if I say "could you read this or that of to get a sense of what's going on inside my head?" the answer is a very honest "I don't care that much about this stuff and I have too much else to do." I can't make her care about this, so I have to accept the honesty of that answer.

But it surprises me that she hasn't even read this blog. I told her about it last fall, when I wanted to share it with a relative. That worked out well (I think). And I wasn't going to do that without sharing it with my beloved first. Which I did, and we had a wonderful discussion that gave me insight into her, and in which she was, as ever, very understanding of me. But it didn't lead to her reading this, which surprised and disappointed me. Which means, I suppose, that I ought to ask her to read it. But I fear she'll ask me "why?" and say, with justification, "can't you just tell me what you want to say to me" and "I'm not that interested in the subject."

The true answer is that I can't tell her what I want to say, not because I can't speak it, but because often I don't know what it is until I write it here.

Which leads me to the conclusion that maybe I need to let all this go, not because it's wrong, but because it just may be not one of those things that I'm going to get in this life. And that's potentially ok , even though it's not my preference. I don't know if that's true, however, and I don't know if I can do it. I do know that what's most important in this life is to be in relationship with people, and if my kink gets in the way of that in marriage, then it's something I should let go of if I can. I don't know if I can.

I didn't mean for this post to get all emo but I'm hoping that writing will get me out of this emotionally stuck place and clear the decks for the many other things I need to be thinking about.

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