What Means What To Whom

As I mentioned, previously, it's been a busy couple of months. Among the events were a 10 day trip I took with family, but not with my beloved. We were far enough away that communication was difficult and there was no private time, really.

When I returned, I mentioned to my beloved that abstaining from masturbation had been a real challenge during my trip. She asked me what I did about it, in a tone of voice that implied that she expected that I'd just gone ahead anyway. I said, "What choice did I have? I did nothing."

I wish I remember her response. I mostly remember what it wasn't. It wasn't, "Good," or "Thank you", or "I'm glad," or "That's as it should be," or "Well, we do have an agreement," or anything else that acknowledged this arrangement and it's importance to her. It wasn't negative, and it wasn't bemused or amused, which would have been deadly, but I don't remember what it was.

This is all on my mind because she is returning from a two week absence in about an hour and a half. And while I miss her a lot, frankly, high on my list is to make my balls stop hurting, and get some relief. Which I can't say to her in the first hour or two that she's home, or she'll think that's all I care about. Which I don't think is true, but I'd probably be hard-put to prove.

We've talked a little on a few occasions about whether this means anything to her, and it seems like it does. Though seldom at a loss for words, she's been unable/unwilling to articulate to me how important it is, and why, and whether it does anything for her. While it's been a major thing I've been thinking about in her absence, I'd bet money that it hasn't crossed her mind once while she's been away. Dealing with that imbalance is the challenge for us, I think.

While we normally communicate fairly well for a couple that's been married for 25+ years, on this subject we're only "so-so." I have mentioned on a couple of occasions to her that talking about the arrangement we have is almost more fun for me than the actual "doing" (or not doing, in this case)... But we seem to have been unsuccessful in making that conversation part of our relationship.

Even at the simple level, I remember on at least two occasions telling her how important some acknowledgment of our arrangement is to me when we have sex. When I've been working really hard to get her off - and it often takes a certain amount of care and attention and sometimes stamina - when she's done, I need some acknowledgment that she's done, that she doesn't want PIV sex (because she does about half of the time), and that I'm not getting any.

That goes against all of her "good girl"/"nurturing mother" programming, which, I suspect, is why she doesn't say anything. I offered suggestions that I thought were compatible with that, indicating that if she were to say "Thank you," or "That was nice," or "I'm done," those would be non-controlling, non-"mean" ways of telling me that I'm being denied. But she doesn't.

In a somewhat topping-from-the-bottom move, I even couched it as, "I need to know when to stop clinging all over you," knowing that that behavior annoys her, and kept at it hoping for an "I'm done" or "Go to sleep" or some kind of reaction. I think as close as I got was she removed my hand from her breast. I'm not such a brat that I kept on after that.

I guess I'd have to say that this is the single most disappointing aspect our arrangement: she gets to ignore it, and it's all about self-control for me, with no outside acknowledgment from her of what's going on. As I said above, I need the explicit communication. The only explicit communication I get around this is when I ask for permission to masturbate. Usually that's followed by a long moment of thought on her part - and I have no idea what she's thinking, though I suspect it has to do with planning out the next couple of days to see what she thinks the chances are that she'll want sex - followed by a response - "Ask me later", "Yes", or "Not now". Seldom just "No." Which is OK with me.

Even when we have sex, as I mentioned above, it only ends in PIV about half of the time. Unfortunately (I think), PIV sex means I get to cum - especially with my reduced frequency for orgasm, I can't be in her for very long and not cum. This seems to be OK with her, but to the extent that she wants to keep me denied (and I honestly have no idea what that extent is), I think it means that her decision process is flawed. If she wants PIV sex without my having an orgasm, she ought to be telling me to masturbate if she thinks she'll want sex at all. That way if it ends up with PIV, I'll be able to control myself.

Following this logic myself, I guess she ought to be telling me to ruin those orgasms, so that the pleasure is under her control. Oh my, what a hot thought - no pleasurable orgasms except a her direction. It does bring up in my mind the question of "what do I want when I'm asking her for permission to masturbate?" Relief from sexual pressure? Or pleasure? I'm inclined to think the former.

I don't get to ask very often. The protocol is that she takes off my gold necklace, and tells me when it has to be back on. And she puts it on. I've never operated the clasp. And I've never masturbated with it on.

Our lives are crazy enough that I mostly get to ask her in the mornings before we get up for work. Though with new work schedules, I'm often out before she wakes up. And she comes to bed after I do, so those windows to ask are gone. The kids are around less, so there should be more opportunities to ask after work. It will be interesting to see how that goes.

This post has gone on waaayyy longer than I expected. But I do find it helpful to be able to go back and read over where I was at a given time.

And then I went off and read Maymay's post on what intercourse means and it felt like he'd distilled a lot of the inchoate desires I just expressed into something with much more universal value. Especially because I'm pretty sure sex is (not to mention PIV sex) is much less interesting to my beloved than it is to me.