This post and the subsequent one (well, previous one if you're reading blog-style) came out in a huge rush one day while I was on the train. They're not very D&S/Femdom/FLR-ish, but they're a lot about who I am and why I am as I am, and I have no other place to put them, so here they are.
And let me just say that my definition of a compulsion is "something that you can't NOT do." And I think my interest in power-related sex qualifies. Not all compulsions are all bad, and some good has come from mine. But a compulsion it remains.
Current hypothesis: this is what is behind my need for a D&S relationship. My beloved, if she were to be dominant, would need certain things from me, because she needed/wanted them. it would be important to her that I be/do certain things. And that would make me needed, and that would feed what is, I think my deepest insecurity: not to be needed or wanted.
I always wondered how this interacted with work, and this hypothesis fits. It is a source of frustration to me that I always let my work "to do" list get out of hand. A long time ago, I figured out that I am very uneasy with an empty to-do list. Now I know why: no one would need me.
It's also why I'm a pretty good customer-centered service provider: If I do things for people, that illustrates that they need me.
Personal e-mail, same thing: if there are a ton of (non junk - I'm not totally stupid) e-mails in my box, then people need me to respond. As soon as I respond, they don't need me any more.
Same reason I don't finish things: If the thing is pending to be completed, then I'm needed to do it. If it's complete, then I'm not needed.
And it ties in with the "needing to ask for things" in a way that is just becoming clear: asking for something you need is related to need. It means I'm allowed to need and my need isn't totally irrelevant. Perhaps it's why denial play is so interesting. it would mean that my beloved would be saying to me, "I know that you need, and your need is important to me, and I want to control it." This is all not that clear, but it hooks in some how I think.
4 days ago