Alpha Birthdays

My wife and four of her friends turn 50 this year. So they decided to throw a birthday party for themselves - that's the kind of women they are. They invited about 40 of their "closest friends" over for dessert and a long gregarious evening was had by all.

Before the desserts, the couples got together for dinner and our host toasted the "alpha women" - the college professor, the banker, the best-selling author, and the public official. The "Alpha women" phrase was his, but was eagerly adopted by the women themselves - you could tell it fit their self-image.

So who are the husbands of the "alpha women?" The elected public official (not married to the other public official, however), the poet, the english professor (not married to the other professor), and me. Jeez, I don't know what I am - technology evangelist, author, wrangler of complex databases, father.

It was such a beautiful moment, such (in some ways) and innocent moment, but one that reminds me how little we know about our friends. I am willing to bet good money that none of the other couples deal with this issue that I grapple with daily - wanting to deal directly with the issues of power in our relationship. On the other hand, do I know that? No. Are they happily married? I think I know them well enough to say "Yes", several though dint of hard work on their relationships; others I know less well.

Is it fair to my wife that I deal with this - that at some level we have to deal with it? I suspect not. But, as we so often tell our kids, life isn't necessarily fair. And I appreciate the work she's done with me on this in the past, and I'm still getting up the gumption for what I suspect we'll have to do in the future.

In the meanwhile, I'm still trying to be more attentive to those little comments of hers - "You could..." Little tiny things (in the context of a busy weekend) - eating chips on a picnic, saying "I should stop eating these but they're too good," to which she responded "Just put them away." Normally, I'd have blown that comment off, but instead I did the double take and put the chips back in the box. It was fun, too.

There are more difficult moments. It was stunningly beautiful out, the kind of day on which I have to get out and do something. My preference was a slightly-more-than-modest hike up a local mountain. She hated that idea, and rather than sulk about it, we talked about alternatives, ending up with a long bike trip in which she met me for lunch half-way through. Was that a "wife-led" moment? Not necessarily, but it was two people working together to come out with a plan that worked for both.

I like that. I think she did too.

Stormy Weather

It amazes me how fragile this entire edifice of female-led relationship can be in my mind. Not that I stop thinking about it or stop wanting it, but that I become unable to pursue it.

My strategy right now, as I outlined previously, is just to submit to my wife's judgement - as many posters more eloquent than I have pointed out - not because she's smarter or because my judgement is inherently flawed (both debatable points), but because it just works better.

And when I manage it, it works well. But it is hard. A couple of little successes last night - I wanted to update this blog, but she suggested "You could work on the home-office orders." And so off I went - about a 1 1/2 hour event that I'm afraid to say I didn't do with particularly good grace, at least at the beginning. But in the end the submission was it's own reward and the work got done.

Our son suggested that we watch a TV show we have on DVD, and since she was doing that, I did too - though only for a while. Faced with the choice of playing the instrument I've just taken up (and play rather poorly, but enjoy quite a bit) or watching a TV show I've already seen, that wasn't a hard choice. But going in to watch TV was a nice moment - I decided to have a fudgecicle and got one for myself. When I saw her on the couch, I immediately offered it to her. She accepted and I got another one from the fridge for me - and then one for our son. Awkward moment when it wasn't clear if there were two more or only one in the freezer. Selfless as she is, she said to him "I'll eat half mine and give the rest to you." He demurred but it was a non-issue since there were more in the freezer.

So why "Stormy Weather"? Because each time I got near her, it felt like two positively charged magnetic poles approaching one another. There was this "space" the I couldn't get in to near her. Partly I'll guess this was my own perception, but I'll guess that it was partly based in reality too. It's the thing that drives me the craziest.

In a comment on one of the blogs I read (shoot - I'll find the link later) a caring dominant wife pointed out that she had realized that the easiest way to punish her errant husband was to send him away - to another room, to the other side of the room, from her bed. That being so devoted to her, the separation was the simplest and most painful form of punishment.

Amen to that! So this sense of distance, this sense of not being able to get close to her drives me crazy. It makes me think that perhaps this is all a fool's errand, that there is now way in heck that this is ever going to be more than my fantasy.

But for now, I'll keep faith with myself, and with the confidence that if I really to defer to her and don't expect any change in what she does, that eventually I'll have the courage to ask for what I want, and she'll have the example to see that it's not about "leather and lace" (two things she hates) but it is about creating an emotionally satisfying relationship for both of us.

On another note, "Rich" posted an introduction on the very fine Venus On Top discussion list which has generated a lot of comment. His story and mine are so similar that I must comment, but I want to give it the time it deserves to do so. That's what I was starting to do last night when the home office work came up. I will comment, but it may take a while to find the time.

Persistence

You know, this "paying attention to what she says" thing shouldn't be that hard. But it is. I'm actually enjoying trying to pay attention, but finding that even in the smallest ways, it takes some attention.

Yesterday I was trying to eat a sandwich, hold a cup of coffee, and drive all at the same time. My immediate response to "Let me hold that coffee for you" was not "Thank you" or "Of course," but some lame-brained excuse. 3 seconds latter I figured it out and suggested the cup-holder unless she felt otherwise. I know she didn't notice, but at least it made sense to me that I figured it out and came up with a solution.

Today there were about four things I wanted to do after work, but as she was leaving for her meeting, she casually said, "You could smoke that chicken tonight." The first reaction: "Ahh, I'm not sure how good I'm feeling." Which was true - I'd just taken an hour nap after work, which I never do. But the second reaction was, "If I possibly feel well enough, I certainly will." Needless(?) to say, the chicken is in the smoker.

So I'll try to stay persistent and keep at it.

Who does the dishes?

25 years ago, I came across a quote that asked "Whenever there's a discussion about feminism, why does it always come down to a discussion of who does the dishes?" I thought it was from Marge Piercy, but I can't seem to substantiate it.

But it's a good question. All of the stereotypes I've seen of relationships in which the male is the submissive partner, he's supposed to take on all the household duties. This makes for some fine fantasy reading. I imagine that given the right personalities and situations, it could even work out that way; certainly "fd" represents his relationship that way. But it strikes me that:

A) This isn't something he got to overnight;
B) He has a partner who is willing to help structure the division of labor this way; and
C) for a long time he didn't work outside the home.

I've been particularly cheered by seeing more and more written recently by both men and women who, for one reason or another, are getting in to "power exchange" relationships (read LFA or wife-led marriages) but who aren't willing or don't want to, or don't think it's realistic to, end up with such a drastic division of labor. For whatever reason, there are women who want to be involved in running the domestic side of things, even if they have all the authority in the relationship - whether that's because they're still dealing with ambiguous feelings about having their partner do all that work, or they want the feeling of involvement or they just like the way they themselves do it.

And I don't think that doing so is in conflict in any way with a LFA or wife-led marriage. It's a matter of what you want to do and feeling free to do that.

On the other hand, having the conscious conversation about who is responsible for what, and holding the man responsible for doing what is expected of him is, in the long run, vital. The "stealth submission" model works only so far and for so long; it can, I think, be a valid way to get started, but in the end requires "the conversation."

So I'm saying it's not really about "who does the dishes" but what the conversation, expectations, and relationship is around "who does the dishes." I think there's a difference.

More on "the conversation" and on stealth submission later, but the point for now is that I need to realize that just doing what I can do, but doing so consistently is probably the best step I can take to get started changing from a submissive male wannabe to someone who actually lives this in his life. Certainly that realiztion has provided a certain frisson to last night and today.

Let's see if it lasts...

Just Submit

There are all sorts of good posts around on what it means to be a male submissive. The simple one, which I've read about for the past two years finally seems to be sinking in in some way:

Just Submit

With that in mind, today...

• When she said, "Doesn't that undershirt belong in the rag bin?" , well after I said "I dunno, it looks ok to me..." I gave myself the mental dope-slap and put it in the rag bin...

• Last night when she said, "You could pay the bills while I'm out", well after I said "I ought to work on that project for S" I did the dope-slap thing again and paid the bills - and did a little other home-office stuff...

Proactively today...

• I managed a load of laundry and

• Some errands downtown

Pretty bush-league by professional submissive standards, but hopefully sustainable. The thing I'm most excited about is cultivating the attitude of just doing the things she "suggests." That, and recalling an insight I had (which, for a change, I haven't seen anywhere else), which is that when she is talking, that's the most important thing that's going on in my world. So pay attention to it 110%. How hard is that? We'll see...

Weaving in the Raveled End

In so many ways, the last 50+ years have been full and rewarding. From what felt to a teenager like an implausible start, there has been family, community, work, travel, spirituality, and more ... all of which has brought me to a beautiful place, with a wonderful family, good friends, a comfortable job, a life in my community - in short, what ought to be a very satisfying, if unremarkable, life.

Though it all, though, there has been on end that refuses to weave itself into my life - or which I refuse to weave into my life. This is my exploration of this stubbornly unraveled end.

It goes by many names and has many faces - most generally power exchange in relationships, also known as dominance and submission. It's a big complicated subject that I've been wrestling with for years, not all that successfully. Recently, I came across the Wikipedia definition, and it's far better than any other that I've read - it really captures what this is about for me; you can read it if you like: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domination_and_submission.

My flavor? Yet another of the legion of submissive males, trying to make some kind of satisfying life. But recently I've come across a handful of concepts that seem to start this making a little more sense to me than it's made before. They go by the name of "Loving Female Authority", "Female Led Relationships", and "Wife Worship".

I'm hoping that somewhere in here is a way of structuring my world that will let me accept my self, stop hiding from the woman I love the best, and weave that strand into my life. Right now that weaving takes a couple of forms: really working at accepting who I am, and trying to read constructively what other people are writing and living about this, while avoiding the temptation of unrequited male fantasies, a shoal upon which many seem to founder.

Forthwith, then, my attempts, observations, readings, and reflections. In short, my journey.