It's finally occurred to me that these four things are related in some peculiar ways. When my beloved said she'd explore this with me, several things happened.
The first was Being: she was saying it was OK for me to be as I am. This is big. HUGE. I've been this way - wanted these things - since I was about 11 years old - yes, I remember the night. And it's never been OK to want them. Never been OK to be the way I am.
Even when I explored these things with other lovers (before we were married) or even when we explored them together, in our halting and flawed attempts early on, it still wasn't OK for me to be this way. It felt more like it was OK for me to be not-OK, to be deviant or "sick" or whatever model we were using.
This is the first time that I've been in a place, and we've been in a place to have a conversation about this, and the overwhelming feeling I get is one of relief: I can be who I am, we can talk about "this stuff" (thought that's harder than I thought). And it's not because we're "working on my problem." It's because this is how I feel and she's willing to hear that.
What I realized this week, is that wanting and being are totally independent from getting. What I mean, is that I may not even need to get what I want, if it's OK to want it, if it's OK to be as I am. I'm not sure I entirely believe this yet, and I'm not entirely sure it's true, but it's occurred to me as a possibility. (I wonder if akin to what Strong And Submissive has realized, and has kept him in his relationship. No matter, just wondering.)
I also wonder if this kind of asymmetrical relationship is really what I want, or whether I just want the idea of it. I may not ever know if my beloved doesn't decide that it's what she wants, and maybe that's OK. I certainly don't think I'm very good at this - I leave too much undone, or too many offers un-made. I'm too lazy for it. Aside from the titillation value (which is considerable), I think that's what I like about Her Knight's experience with his Princess: She is unbendingly rigorous in her expectation of perfection from him, and without nagging, she never lets him forget it.
I don't know if I could succeed in that kind of relationship, or if I would enjoy it. But I know I can't succeed in what we have now, where I just need to be good enough to do all the things I know I ought to want to do, or that I just plain ought to do to keep the wheels turning in our house. What's hard, is if I don't my beloved just picks up the slack, to the point where she gets frustrated about it.
I'm so tempted to say "It would be so much easier if she would just tell me what she wants," but I think I know that: for all of this to go away and for me to be "normal." Early early on, I wrote about that possibility, in the middle of "(Two to Tango." Certainly at that point (and at the point at which those experiences happened), I wasn't ready to let go of "this stuff." I don't think I am now, either.
On the other hand, maybe it's not important in this life that I get what I want. I think it is important that I'm OK wanting what I want. But once I get OK with that, the answer well may be that I don't get that in this life. There are more than a few things I'm not going to get in this life, and I seem to be OK with those. Why can't this be one?
4 days ago