Sunday, September 03, 2006

Out of Sorts

Holy smokes, have I been feeling out of sorts. Let's start with the simple. When I want to connect with my beloved, I have a bad habit of going over to her and saying something like "Are you OK?"

Which she totally doesn't know how to interpret, and which annoys her. I did that Friday afternoon and go snapped at, and felt very snippy back. I stomped out and went running, and came back and mowed the lawn. At least some useful work got done out of the thing, but it was a bad bad moment.

Long ago I heard the maxim "Don't go to bed mad," but I'm afraid time has dimmed the good sense in that aphorism; I went to bed mad and got up early Saturday and started doing projects; it was too rainly to finish the lawn, as it has been on-and-off all weekend. Unfortunately, I did a bunch of technical projects, none of which worked out very well.

So the proximate cause of being out-of-sorts was a miscommunication with my beloved, but I'm afraid the slightly deeper cause was twofold:
  • I hate having to hide things from my beloved. So when I'm working on this blog, or indulging myself surfing the net, I hate it when I stress about whether or not she'll see what I'm doing... and
  • Writing this blog has made me start to accept myself as I am in a way that I haven't in many many years. And not being able to share that is incredibly frustrating.
This was, in my mind, very possibly going to be the weekend of the conversation. But it got off to such a bad start, and evolved so badly that that idea went by the way side. I've even started a post of "What, exactly, am I asking for?" Which I should keep working on.

But my very disquiet makes me think that this is a conversation that has to happen. I wonder if I could show her this blog? Big risk, but I told myself, at least, that I wouldn't gild the lily and that I would be completely honest here. So I have been; for better or (mostly) for worse, what's here is me. If anybody wanders by and has been through this pass before, I'd love a pointer or two.

6 comments:

saratoga said...

been there...can't really advise. depends on the Woman. good luck. :)

Polyfetishist said...

I wouldn't suggest that you engage in subtle strategems or be "passive agressive" but maybe you shouldn't go out of your way to hide it if she comes in the room.

VeezKnight said...

I can understand that you may post to this blog as a way to sort through your thoughts, feelings and desires. But a stong, fulfilling marriage should involve honest communication... at least in my opinion. Blogging on-the-sly seems less than honest to me.

Lady Julia said...

I tend to agree more often than not with Veezknight, but this time I'll at least partially disagree. I thinking blogging or journaling is a very therapeutic tool to sort out our feelings and help us establish a plan to change those areas in our life with which we are less than happy. If a man blogged or journaled for a very extended amount of time without ever attempting to share his feelings and desires with his wife then I'd be inclined to think he was cheating them both out of an opportunity for happiness, but not that he was being dishonest.

Tom Allen said...

Before I started The Tao of Me and my LiveJournal I used to post frequently on Usenet and several web forums. In fact, lately I've been combing the archives of all those groups because they serve as a journal of sorts.

For several years, our marriage was difficult; we had no intimacy, sexual or emotional, and it was only through writing in various groups that I was able to vent and more importantl, to gain some perspective.

When our marriage started to get a little better I pointed her to one of the gourps in which I spent a lot of time. She rarely read it, but once in a great while would look at some of my posts. She told me the other day that it made her feel badly to see that I had so much pain because of her.

My point is that sometimes we have to have another way to vent when our relationships will not support that venting. I agree that if you've carried this on 2 posts a day for 5 years then maybe you've got other issues. But if you use your journal to help you sort out an issue before you raise it, then you might look at it as utilizing a tool, rather than something that's "honest" or not.

The Tao of Me

Jamie said...

Thanks for these comments - they are both challenging and supportive; I wrote more about them in "Why I'm Here" (http://anunremarkablelife.blogspot.com /2006/09/why-im-here.html)

To Tom, who posted afterwards, thanks too. It really helps to hear from people who have been through a difficult patch and come out the other side. Now I get to scurry around and find your writing. Chastity is a really interesting subject to me, even as I realize that it is only marginally so to my beloved. And that's OK, since I'm gradually understanding and "unpacking" the different things we're trying to do - like have a satisfying marriage, relationship, family, sex life, and fantasy life. (Jeez - we want it all don't we - grin).