Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Why I'm Here

Thanks to all the wonderful people who commentted on "out of sorts." It was a good way to get started on a reflection as to why I'm here, what I'm trying to do, and what I'm learning.

VeezKnight, who I respect a lot, pointed out that what I'm doing here "is less than honest." I can explain; I can't excuse: at least one thing seems to be coming clear to me with regard to this aspect of my personality...

I am a coward

Not proud of that, but it does explain a lot. And I don't expect it to be permanent.

Lady Julia hit the mark, as this has been the first place in 10 years or more where I've really felt I can "be myself." Part of that is exploring how I feel about all those pieces of myself, how I choose to express them, and what they mean in the larger context of my life.

When playing around with this with my beloved wife and interacting with others at "munches" and such, things obviously get much more complicated. One of the critiques of on-line relationships and communications is that the "bandwidth" is much narrower than in "real life" and much is lost.

In this case, I think something important may also be gained, as we act and are judged by our words, rather than how we look, or what our body-language says. I suspect it also helps some of us (that would be me) avoid doing stupid things out of desperation, or out of the "kid in the candy store" effect, or out of the "I've never been here before and I may never be here again, so I want it all NOW!" All things that I think I've fallen prey to.

So what I'm looking forward to is the constancy that coming back here every day brings, and the perspective I gain on myself from looking at where I've been. The absolutely fabulous comments from people and the sense of community have been an unexpected and wonderful bonus.


Lady Julia said...

I started to say you're not a coward, but if by that you mean you're afraid to lose what you cherish, then I think we're all cowards to some degree. Relationships are tough and the consequences for "mistakes" are sometimes pretty intense. Gathering your thoughts, evaluating options - rejecting some and embracing others, and formulating a plan seems pretty sharp thinking to me - especially since you said you don't plan to stay in that mode forever :)

saratoga said...

It's probably fair to say that as you evaluate what you really want, why, and how you may go about securing that in your marriage/relationship, writing your blog is a good thing.

While I agree with you that we are what we write when 'online,' and blogging, I don't share any sense of "community" with other online personalities. It's actually because of the first, that I don't share the second.

Thus, with a few exceptions of friends whom I've made through frequent and more personal emails or chatting, and phone calls, I don't feel part of a community online.

Having, at one time in my life, gone online (in a different manner than blogging) to learn more about my needs and drives vis a vis Female Domination, I can sympathize with your mixed feelings.

On one hand, you feel you are hiding something from your wife. On the other hand, you are doing this in order to bring about a more happy and healthy marital state.

Perhaps it is adequate to explore on your own until such time as one of two things occur. First, that you feel you are displacing significant emotional and/or sexual energy and feelings into online activities, from your marriage. Second, you cease to acquire new insights about yourself, your desires, and how you may introduce and integrate this into your marriage.

I have been musing about some of these topics, from reading various bloggers of both genders, as they discuss their approaches and situations regarding FemDom.


Polyfetishist said...

I've been writing online for years now. for me public self-exploration has been a real aid to self-exploration and self-definition. Neither seem to end.

Lady Julia, as is usually the case is right. You get a safe place in which to express a buried part of yourself.