Communication and Satisfaction

For the sake of narrative completness, if nothing else, I want to write a little about Monday morning.

Actually, there's another reason as well: sex is the one place were we are having a certain amount of success with a female-led relationship. I say "we" because this aspect of our relationship has developed more-or-less organically and it seems to meet most of our needs. Also, it's the one place where we talk most about the control/power dynamics of our relationship and that seems to work. Which is encouraging: it suggests that talking about this in a larger context may not be altogether a futile effort.

While trying to thread the needle between "kiss and tell," say what needs to be said, and provide some (moderately) entertaining reading, here's how it went. I love to snuggle, not only when there is sex involved. But if we have a relaxed morning, as Monday was, one thing can usually lead to another. If she's interested, she'll kiss me and respond and let me know that she's interested in something more. If she's not, that's the end of that.

As she was, on Monday, I'll usually look for ways to please her. Like any intimate couple, I have a fairly good idea of what she likes and we communicate about what's working and not working. If I haven't gotten off in a while, one of my concerns will be avoiding too much stimulation.

She climaxes much more satisfyingly if I'm using my hand or mouth on her wabbly bits. I get to come in her if she's still feeling unsatisfied, which seems to be about half the time. The rest of the time she used to feel "obligated" to provide me some "relief", but I think she understands that for me, it's much more thrilling if sex is about her satisfaction, than if it's about mine.

I don't know about all men, but for me the act of "release" is so mechanical that in some senses it's a let down. THat isn't to say that the physical sensations are mind-blowing at times. But they're relatively brief, and the relaxed satisfaction afterwards is only seldom more rewarding than that feeling of being "on edge" and the focus that I keep on my beloved when I've been brought to the edge and then kept there.

For a while, I think she was offended by this, feeling that I wasn't finding intercourse as much "fun" as something else. I don't think we every actually spoke about this, but that was my impression. I've taken pains to tell her how enjoyable sex is with her, regardless of whether or not I orgasm.

This week, after she came, she popped the "Penny for your thoughts" question; we do that some times. Occaisionly in the past if I've been deep in some fantasy, I've answered in generalities, but I've determined not to do that any more and in this case I didn't. Rather, I responded (100% truthfully),
"I love it that I only get to cum in you when it's what you really want; it makes it very special." Now in truth, I wouldn't mind if it were more seldom, and hence more special, but the fact that it's her choice and in response to what she wants is what's best of all.

One issue is that we haven't (or I haven't) figured out how to end a love-making session when I haven't cum. We were lying there comfortably, and I commented that, will the pre-cum, I had managed to make something of a mess anyway, and she said, "Well, why don't you finish it." The tension between wanting to cum and wanting to stay on the edge is always a difficult one. In the past, I might have wheedled a bit and tried to manipulate her in to "telling" me to cum, or "telling" me not to, but I think I actually have learned something (cue Robin Williams from Alladin: "He can be taught!"), which is that "Why don't you" or "You could" or "It would nice if" are the kinds of "commands" I'm going to get, and I'm going to listen to them. Which, by the way, is one of the reasons I think things are going so relatively well.

So I did, which was pleasant too.

Somewhere in the previous days (I can't remember now exactly when, which is a shame) I had the opportunity to comment on my gold "chastity" necklace, and how much I like it and what it represented. I feel like I only get to put one of these kinds of comments two or maybe three times a week at most, so having the opportunity to actually say how I'm feeling is very satisfying.

Now I know this may sound kind of pathethic to those who have relationships in which communication is better, and in truth, ours was one of those relationships, which is why I think it will be again. But with the stresses of parenting and economics, we've gotten waaaaay out of the habit. And with the fact that among the things that are most important to me is this whole subject that has so much history to it between us, it's going to take a while and some work.

And for me, this blog is part of that work.