What I'm Doing and Why

Saratoga published a lovely post that basically came in two parts: some reflections on why men have such a low "success rate" in enticing their partners in to a femdom relationship, and the story of how he revealed to his Domina (to be) that he was interested in "this kind of stuff." In his case, he used pictures to accompany his contention that there was a level of intimacy that would be unattainable otherwise. But if you want the whole thing, read the post for yourself.

I bring it up because it sparked a slew of comments, starting with oldbear's sharing of the fact that "Sometimes my shame and desperation to be free of what I am almost made me suicidal." As I mentioned in my comment, "Been there, done that, have the Doctor's bills to prove it." But more, I realized that where I am in my life, I have to become more comfortable with myself around this issue. Writing has been a good way to do this. From that place of comfort and acceptance of myself, I need to express, in smaller or larger ways, and to greater (or, actually, I suspect lesser) degrees, this aspect of myself. If I don't, I'm pretty sure I'll either go nuts or die, either figuratively or literally -- from one of those stress-related "Wow, he died from that and he was only how old?" diseases, or from one of those thoughts of suicide that are not total strangers.

Having started on that cheery note, I was trying to "unpack" the concepts of femdom as it relates to female-led relationships. A wife can lead and a husband can follow without explicit submission; leading and following are what you do, not what you say or how you feel about what you do. And you can follow someone's lead without their explicitly choosing to lead. It reminds me of a game we used to play as kids: if one person didn't want to play follow-the-leader, they automatically became the leader and everyone followed them. (Talk about non-consensual!)

Authority, however, is something you have to take, and something you have to be given. I can give you authority over me, but if you don't take it, it doesn't happen. You can assume authority over me, but unless I choose to accept your authority, nothing happens. And authority is what a femdom or submissive relationship is about. And that's the transaction that the submissive male wants to make happen. And unless he and she, my beloved and I, can find a way to make that transaction satisfying for both of us, I fear we are in a hard place.

I love having this necklace as a symbol of her control over my sexual release. But if she does not use that control, if she doesn't say "No" some time when I ask to take it off, if she doesn't ever refer to the fact that I have given up some authority by taking on this necklace, then I'm not going to be satisfied.

I can do all the "submitting" I want, in terms of taking suggestions or not masturbating or trying to figure out what my beloved wants. But until there is an acknowledgement of what I am doing, until there is an acceptance on her part of the fact that I want, crave, must, am compelled to, am obsessed by the idea of, ceding real authority to her, the whole thing is a masturbatory fantasy in my head.

I could wish it were otherwise. I could pretend it was otherwise. But it's not.

I do have some inkling why. I need that stroke that says, "I control you" because that stroke says to me, "I love you," and I want, more than almost anything, to be loved by my beloved. More than almost anything, but not more (as the cliche goes) than life itself, and not, moreover, more than sanity itself. And I fear that that is what it started coming down to.

Coming soon.... how I might get that acknowledgement...

In other news, I've been reading StrongSubmissive's blog HardwiredSub.blogspot.com, particularly the early posts. In some ways, I want to say "Dude, you stole my life." So many of those situations are so familiar, and while we haven't gotten to separate bedrooms yet, it's not like I haven't thought about it.