Wednesday, May 07, 2008

The suspense is killing me

Spoke briefly to my beloved last night though she's still out of town. In the midst of all the quotidian conversation, she say "I read your book." I can't say as how she sounded two enthusiastic about it.

I said, "I'm thinking we should just talk about it section by section to see what seems relevant." She agreed that that seemed like a good idea. I also mentioned that I think I'm more excited about having the conversation than about the subject of the book itself - it's like not having to drag this enormous weight around anymore.

For the past three days, I've been on tenterhooks trying to figure out what it is I want. I know I've blogged about this in the past, but it is surprisingly difficult to figure out.

Starting from what's in Ms. Rika's book:

- I do want to serve her. From our conversation some time ago, each of those little service things says "I love you" and that's the message I want to send, over and over again during the day. Who'da thunk that after more than 20 years of married life, it would still be important, but it is to me.

- I need her to acknowledge that service. This is one of the key insights from Ms. Rika's book that I had never been able to put in so succinct a form.

So far, there's nothing "power exchange-y" or "wife-led marriage-y" about that arrangment. So what I'm trying to do is define for us, for me, what is the additional element that makes this work, that gives this zing, that makes it scratch that submissive itch. I don't have Ms. Rika's book with me now, so I can't comb through it looking for her take on that, but it strikes me as a key point. Here's what I think:

Her acknowledgment of that service has to go beyond "Gee, thanks for doing that, honey." To be candid, Ms. Rika does point that out that the woman can acknowledge service without thanking explicitly, thus reinforcing the "power exchange" portion of the relationship. For example, "The kitchen looks clean" rather than "Thanks for doing the dishes", which elicits from the man, "Thanks for letting me do that" (I'd add, "I love you" just to make it explicit) rather than "Your welcome."

I love that kind of discipline in speech, even though it's hard; as I said, I'm still working on "May I .... " rather than "Would you like me to..." but I am working on it. But I think it would drive my beloved crazy (maybe I'm wrong).

I have a hard time getting away from desiring that there be a lack of choice on my part in doing these things - not a coercion based on sexual denial or rewards, but an acknowledgment that I *have* to do these things based on the agreement we have made. So what is that (right now, hypothetical) agreement?

A long long time ago, I had some chores to do (in a D/s context, when we were taking another run at this). I defined it as there being a "barrier to intimacy" until those chores were done. I think that's close to the mark, but doesn't work if the context of the service is "all the time." But there's something in that.

I honestly don't know what the answer is here, and while part of me wants to say "Let it emerge from the discussion", another part says "She's going to ask, 'what do you need, what works for you?', since if it was up to her, we wouldn't be doing this at all." And then I need an answer at least to start a discussion.

Here are two possibilities, neither perfect:

1) Whenever I do something that I wouldn't otherwise have done, I have the opportunity to find my beloved and thank her for the opportunity to serve. Scratches my itch, doesn't require initiative from her (though a nice response would be nice), and if I don't overdo it, shouldn't be overly annoying.

2) A nightly check in. Assuming she wouldn't come to dread this, it would foster communication, which is key for me. And it would give me an opportunity to assess how I was doing service-wise, and her an opportunity to provide feedback.

My final dread is that she'll say, "I've been doing all this crap for years, and now you want to do it and get credit for it?" This is a little unrealistic, since we share a lot of work now - our basic egalitarian approach to life is one of the barriers for her in thinking about this whole arrangement. So this doesn't apply to dishes (which I do anyway), but to things she's been doing that she doesn't particularly like, like laundry and some aspects of our home business.

My fantasies have a habit of getting away from me, but I can think of one that addresses this issue. That would be for me to have to ask explicitly for "down time" (perhaps not more than once an hour or twice an evening, or once an evening). If she says "No" for whatever reason, I'm supposed to be on task working for her.

Enough food for thought. I think I've broken my "What do you want" log jam enough to have a conversation, which I dearly hope will happen tonight.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Inch by Inch, Step by Step, Nearer and Nearer...

So as my beloved is packing for her business trip this week, she asked, "Are you going to make me a cup of coffee tomorrow morning so I can leave at 5:30?" To which I replied, "I'd love to..." I was, in fact, thrilled.

As you might have gathered from the "tidbits" below, I've already started doing some of the things that I think would be a part of service oriented submission, and we have talked about some of them. Significantly though, we haven't discussed the acknowledgment of why I'm doing this and why she's accepting it, a thing that Ms. Rika points out is vital to do.

A little later, with some trepidation, I asked, "So, are you going to bring that book with you?" To which she replied, "I've already started to read it" and proceeded to finish it.

I'm *really* looking forward to this discussion when she gets home.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Tidbits

Enough with the long posts - I keep the stuff rolling around in my head until it turns in to a huge manifesto - not useful. So, a new resolve to post when the though occurs, and these tidbits:

  • My beloved was out gardening, her favorite thing. I thought I might score the treat of washing her feet when she came in for a shower, but she came in an "crashed" instead. I read on the couch beside her until I realized I wanted to go for a run. I told her I'd love to take a shower with her when I got back. When I got back I feared she had taken a shower without me, which would certainly have been her prerogative, but would have implicitly said she had denied me my treat. But she hadn't; she'd returned to gardening and now we're off to shower.

  • Some days ago we were busy doing stuff in the evenings when one of our kids turned on a movie. Rather than continuing to work (as is her wont), she said, "You know, I don't have to work all the time. I'm going to watch the movie." I said "Keep that thought!" But it is indicative of her attitude towards always being useful doing stuff, which I fear will make this "service submission" idea difficult.

  • I'm really trying to phrase things as "Can I do X" rather than "Would you like me to do X". I believe that words are important and phrasing it as what I would like to do makes it clear for whom we're doing this, and removes the onus from her of having to, even implicitly, ask me to do something.

  • I'm also trying to thank her for letting me do stuff. I just got to wash her back, her feet, and shave her legs. Do I feel lucky or what? "Thanks" and "I love you" were my two responses.

  • I'm getting better at taking the "Could you...." or "If you remember, you could ..." suggestions as mandates. Knowing my beloved as I do, she's never going to be the "Get me a cup of tea now" type person. So it's important to listen to what she wants in the way that she is comfortable saying it.

Stuck at the brink.

So here it is Sunday again - how time flies. Why has nothing happened? Well, a little has - I finished Uniquely Rika, and passed it along to my beloved. She suggested that summary of each chapter might be a bit much since we're going to talk about it anyway. So I just commented that the first half seemed to have much more immediate relevance to us than the second half, and passed the book along to her side of the bed. She mentioned that she had read the introduction. I said that while I wasn't at a place where I wanted to follow each of Ms. Rika's prescriptions as if they were canon, I thought there was a great deal in there to talk about.

One thing led to another - her parents came to visit unexpectedly this weekend, and we haven't had a chance to talk at all.

Also, we did have rather mind-blowing sex on Wednesday, which always lowers my motivation to talk about this stuff. While I'm not going to turn this in to a sex blog, I only get release about 1/3 or 1/2 of the time when we are intimate, as was the case last weekend. And I only can stand not getting release for two or three days after that, until I ask her if I may satisfy myself - to which she pretty much always say yes, somewhat to my disappointment. (When I thanked her for this arrangement some weeks ago and told her I loved her, her reply was "I don't seem to love you so much that I'll say 'No', which is what you want." I reassured her that whatever her choice was would be perfect, and I'm really working towards that.)

This whole dynamic is not 100% successful, but it works pretty well for us. So, having satisfied myself in the morning, I was a little surprised when she initiated intimacy in the evening, and a little more so when she asked me for PIV intercourse. But like I said, it was excellently draining and intimate.

That all notwithstanding, there's been a deeper question bothering me: A long time ago when my beloved and I were taking another run at this same issue, she asked (at the end of a long car ride), "What would be different today if you had been my slave?" (the terms we were using at the time). I was at a loss.

Ms. Rika points out that what is important for the submissive is the intent of dominance from which the dominant accepts service. So just "doing stuff" is not enough for there to be submission, nor would be my beloved's allowing me to "do stuff" for here be sufficient. She needs to accept the stuff that I do from a position of dominance. Now, if I understood Ms. Rika correctly, this isn't a quid-pro-quo, but the establishment of the relationship: I'm doing these things for you because I want to/must; you acknowledge that I'm doing these things for you because we've established that this is the way we want our relationship to work: I do stuff for you, you accept and acknowledge the stuff that I do.

So back when my beloved asked me, "What would have been different today...", I think I now realize that the answer is the understanding and her intent. I do go out of my way every day to make her coffee, plug in her cell phone, lay our her nightgown, and turn on her bedside light - the only things we've identified that work for her.

I do need her to acknowledge every day that I do these things for her. A month or two ago, after a discussion about our arrangement with the necklace and my sexual satisfaction, I suggested that I have the opportunity to mention to her each day how much this arrangement means to me, the "I'm happiest when she controls my sexual release," and that she allow me to thank her for that. Somehow, we never got the words right, but I do believe that what's most important to me about this is the interaction with her, an the acknowledgment that there are things I do for her, and that she's "in charge" in some way.

As I wrote at the end of Standing at the Brink, a ritual that allows me to know this without being burdensome for her would be perfect. I don't know if this "arriving home" one is it, but I hope there is something we can work out.

What I need to be able to tell her is that I like sitting at her feet when we watch a movie or are sitting around. And I need to find out which of these things are not obtrusive or oppressive for her.

So where are we now? Stuck at the brink. Waiting for her to read "Uniquely Rika" (which I'll ask her to do again today), and for us to have a conversation about it, and to find what works for us.

My fear: that she'll say "I hate this stuff and I just can't do it."

My other fear: That I'm looking for something that I'll never find, and that this is just a vain attempt to scratch an itch which can't be scratched this way.

But I don't think there's anyway to confront or resolve those fears without just trying this, with the awareness of those things.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Standing at the Brink

So here it is Sunday.

A week ago Saturday, I told my beloved that the "Uniquely Rika" book should be arriving any day. It did arrive, but just before I had to leave on a one-week trip, so it's been sitting on my desk unopened for the last week. The suspense has been killing me!

I do remember her first comment, which was, "You've been pretty obsessed by this stuff recently." To which I could only answer, "Yes." In fact, I think I've been more obsessed by it than she knows, and certainly more than I would like.

Perhaps the most important thing she said was that she's feeling in some way pressured by this - let me be clear - because she wants me to be happy, not because I'm running around saying "Would you like me to do this", "look, I did that that", "Oh my, I forgot to do that, what a bad boy I am..."

I'm a lot more interested in sex than she is. So when I know I can't have sex on my own, then in the mornings, I tend to get pretty cuddly. She interprets this as a request for sex, which, based on our arrangement, it isn't. It's an invitation, which she is totally welcome or encouraged to ignore, explicitly reject (which she never has), or accept. But she feels she's "supposed" to be more interested than she is.

We talked about this for a long time and I really really tried to explain how satisfying it was for me to be able to offer, or request, and for her to have no pressure as to whether she wanted to accept or not. This has worked well when we do have sex (which is mostly oral or manual) in that if she doesn't feel like intercourse, she just doesn't offer it. She knows I love that, and, though a little surprised by it, has seemed to find a way to work with that that works for her. I asked if she could give me some signal that she's satisfied and will not be wanting more. I suggested if she said "I'm done" or "None for you today" or "Thank you", I'd know what to expect and how to "wind down" and not continue thinking we were going some place we weren't. She settled on "Thank you" (not to surprising, knowing who she is...)

If we can get to the same place on "offers" in the morning, then perhaps she might feel less pressured. She likes to make other people happy, so the idea that the focus of this exercise might be on just making her happy is a part of the growth process for her - not because I want her to change, but because this is a long-running issue for her that (I believe) she agrees would make her happier if she dealt with.

Sometimes, like maybe a year or more ago, I remember having a conversation with here where all this stuff had faded away. It does that sometimes - sometimes I feel like I "go sane." But I've never been able to correlate that with anything else in my life, so I'm very skeptical of the "This will just go away" argument.

What I did say was that by exploring the way we're exploring, and talking, I'm looking for a happy medium - a way to being submissive or service-oriented that allows us to get to a place where I can be happy, without making her unhappy - without impinging so much on her life that she finds it unacceptable. I expect this will mean submission or service at times when it seems pointless to me, or even tedious (though in a weird sort of way, that's kind of attractive), and at other times controlling my needs to something kinkier than she has any desire for. But hopefully finding a happy medium where I don't have to have this interior life that she either knows nothing about or can ignore.

I think we're together on the fact that my asking for what I need is important. And we've identified those hand-ful of things that are important to her - things that say "I love you." I don't think she really believes that there are "service-oriented" things in here that could be of any use to her, just ones that she hopes won't be a nuisance, but that just my supposition.

We also talked about what the kids know - both are sexually-aware teens. We figure they've gone over the bookshelves pretty carefully, where there is a handful of Anne Rice (the Beauty series), some Robert Mapplethorpe, and The Story of O. But it falls in to that grey area of what one really does or doesn't want to know about the private life of those in the rest of one's family. Certainly nothing's happening between my beloved and I that they're going to see that's going to ring any bells.

What with yard work and the like, my beloved and I have had the chance to take a couple of showers together - something we don't do often, but which has given me the opportunity to wash her feet and help get the callouses off of them. I enjoy that a lot, and (echoing the realization I read on someone else's blog - by now I don't remember which), I ask her for what I want, which is to wash her feet and told her that I'd join her in the show at any time. My new goal is to listen for the shower and ask if I can join her and do her feet; doesn't happen often because she works and home and can shower at odd hours when I'm not around. I haven't had a chance to ask yet, so we'll see how that works out.

Some time ago, my beloved broke a bone in her foot and as a result was wearing sandals a lot. Though she's never been one to paint her nails, she suggested she might ask our daughter, the one with fashion sense, to paint her toenails. Feeling surprised and dismayed, I blurted out "Is that because you thought I'd enjoy it too much?" - not suave, but she took it in the way it was intended, which was I think, her fishing for whether there was interest. So I did for a little while, but got too wrapped up in her asking me to re-do them when they needed it, so it didn't work out in the end.

I won't make that mistake again - I intend to ask her if I can do her toenails, and if so, it will me my responsibility to keep them looking good without her asking. At least that's my theory.

So I've been gone for the last week, "Uniquely Rika" has been sitting in the USPS box on my desk, since I was traveling with one of our children, and there was no way I was either going to read or hide the book in a hotel room.

Having gotten back, now I get to read it and then, as we discussed, precis each chapter and share it with my beloved. From that I hope we'll make a plan, or more likely, start and exploration towards creating a lifestyle that works for us.

-----

Oh, but there I was in a hotel room finally having a chance to sleep in, and I did think about rituals and what they're for. I need something that says "We're doing this - it's not all just in my head." The necklace goes a long way towards doing that, since it's something I'm wearing all the time. But sometimes the reality creeps in that she really wouldn't care if I ignored it entirely and just satisfied myself. I should ask her to check this, but that's my impression.

Some weeks ago when we had a good conversation about this arrangement with the necklace, I suggested that I have the opportunity once a day to thank her for this arrangement and tell her how much happier I am when she controls my sexual satisfaction. All she'd have to do is listen and acknowledge - essentially it was giving me permission to talk about this with her once a day. That didn't work out well - I don't know if I didn't find the right wording or what, but it felt stilted and silly and we only did it once or twice.

But in the spirit of "Mistress Laura's Boy"'s entry on "Everyday Rules That Keep Me Focused on My Mistress", I did try to think about why reminding me was important, and I think it is that affirmation of the fact that "We are doing this." I don't imagine she's going to expect me to do a lot of stuff, that's not her style, but I was wondering if we could create an "arriving home" ritual. Some men write about kneeling naked in the entryway etc, things I might like in fantasy, but are never going to happen in my life.

But, as she's usually working in the home office when I get home, I wondered if I might have a required routine - drop all the junk that seems to need to come in to the house with me, approach her wherever she is, assume some unobtrusive position standing near her,and just wait for her to acknowledge me. I mean, I'm coming home, so I'm going to interrupt her anyway with the business of the day, so it might as well be at a moment she chooses, and I get the satisfaction of waiting, and the little ritual of it, and she gets to be bothered less. Something I may suggest soon.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Where are we going?


So I ordered a copy of Uniquely Rika. This is a little more complicated than it seems. One of the hard and fast rules my beloved and I agreed upon some time ago was that I wouldn't spend any money on "this stuff" without telling her. She does the bills, and neither of us wanted her to discover a "What's that?" charge on one of the credit cards.

So to order Ms. Rika's book from Lulu, I needed to use a credit card, and to do that, I needed to ask her if that was OK. She wasn't enthused, but was very supportive in suggesting that I try to figure out why it's so hard for me to talk about this stuff. She also said she realized, from our past approaches to dealing with my fascination with dominant women, how common this is. All in all, very reassuring. She really is terrific, which makes me wonder what my fear is about.

So now that the book is coming tomorrow, where do I want to go with that? From reading Ms. Rika's website, I know that there is terminology in there that will turn my beloved right off - anything about D/s lifestyles and dommes. If she reads past that - and I'm assuming that the book is a superset of what's on the website - then I'm pretty sure there are ideas she will like.

Do I
  1. Read the book and just try to implement it
  2. Just ask her to read it, without my reading it and see if she chooses to go anywhere with it?
  3. Read the book, do an introductory commentary on the chapters, and ask my beloved to read it?
  4. Read it and then ask her to read it and then discuss it?


I actually know the answer to these questions: #1 and #2 are just my fantasies and would be a really bad idea. Between #3 and #4, I think I'll just ask her which she would prefer. I've read enough of what Ms. Rika has written that I know it's all about communication. In fact I pitched this as a book with insight about communications between a couple with interests like this, so I hope that proves out.

What's scarier is that this starts moving all this into the realm of real possibility. I think that was what made/makes the whole necklace thing so big: it is a lever for conversation - I have to ask, and that is really big. And it has helped us change the dynamic of our sex life.

I suppose I should talk about that latter. We've had, I would say, three really good conversations about my desire to submit over the last three years. (Wow, sounds kinda pathetic, but I guess it beats none...) Somewhere between the first and the second, we established that sex would be for her pleasure. This was, I think, actually helpful for her to become comfortable with her sexual desires and feelings she might have had as to whether she was disappointing me in the frequency of her desire - another reason why my having to ask for release is important.

She has become more comfortable initiating sex when she wants it, declining my advances when she doesn't want them, and (most fun for me), deciding herself whether penetration is something that would enhance this sexual episode for her or not. She tells me when (and if) she wants me to enter her. I don't think she really believes that I enjoy sex without penetration (or physical climax), but I do. Somehow the "all about her-ness" of it I find really really exciting. I'd say I go without maybe 20% of the time when we have sex. I'd like more that to be more often, and penetration to be more of a special event, but I've figured out that it's all about her, stupid, so I'm happy to have her call the shots.

Prefiguring some of Ms. Rika's book (from the website), I did mention that I thought a lovely birthday present would be to do without for a couple of weeks, followed by an opportunity for intercourse, but pitched that as a present for me. In general, the whole talking about this and asking for what I want is really big. (Have I mentioned that before? Only three or four times in this post alone...)

In one of our recent good conversations, I mentioned that I enjoy doing things for her - it's a physical way of saying "I love you" and "I'm feeling connected to you." Right now, it's a pathetically small number of things - coffee in the morning, laying out her nightgown so it's easy to put on, finding her cell phone and plugging it in in the evenings (Thank you, Ms. Rika) but sometimes she gets to it first, which makes me sad. When I asked her about what else might go on that list, she suggested making sure the light is on at her side of the bed if I go to bed first (which doesn't come up much, but I do remember when it does). To which I've added cleaning the cat box.

Somewhere back in previous posts, I mentioned a guy who decided he was going to do an FLR right away, and posted some ridiculous to-do lists for himself - day 1, day 2, etc. I'm not going there, especially because it's my nature to jump in to things too fast. But adding things one at a time, at a pace that I think I can sustain will be fun.

So Ms. Rika's book arrives and then what? I guess I read it. I caveat the parts that I think will put her off, and then I ask her to read it. And then we talk about it. Since I'm going to be away for four days, maybe we put it on the shelf until I get back, so we can read, talk, and implement, all of which can't happen if I'm away.

Actually, one of the reasons I like writing the blog is because, upon reflection like this, I find things are going much better than I might have thought.

If anyone reads this marathon post, I'll be amazed, especially since it's pretty low on pictures. But it does me good to write it I think. There's much more to say; feels as if the dam has burst by starting the writing, but gotta go.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

A Year!

Amazing that it's been a year since my last post. Thanks to Mistress Laura's boy for pointing that out to me. I can wonder why, but suffice it to say that it's been a very busy year, mostly in ways that have nothing to do with this blog.

That did get me thinking, however, about why I haven't been posting and why I continue to be interested in... in... whatever it is that we call this ... TTW(wanna)D ... And why blog at all.

Surprisingly enough, I have some answers (at least for myself).

Since my beloved and I started our little arrangement with the necklace that in some way "took the edge off" my need. I am very grateful to her for this arrangement. The old demon raises its head in the form of "I'm pretty sure this doesn't mean anything to her" - a quick refresher as to how this works for us: it's a "virtual chastity belt" i.e. I'm not allowed sexual release while I'm wearing it, and I'm not allowed to take it off. So I need to ask her to take it off, and she'll tell me when I have to give it to her to put back on.

Well, one time, in the chaos that was some time over the last year, I forgot to bring it to her to put on, and she didn't mention anything. The original forgetting was completely inadvertent. The not bringing it up later was "pushy bottom" - did she really care? Well some days later (this was long enough ago that I don't remember how many), she said "Hey, what ever happened to the necklace?", and I found it and put it on.

But something very profound happened in that interaction: I realized how important the talking about all this is to me. Intellectually, I know that this woman really loves me, but her willingness to talk about my compulsions around this sex thing reminds me emotionally that it's really true: here she is willing to do something that I know she doesn't particularly enjoy, because it's important to me. Wow.

It reinforced to me that how important those conversations are to me. We thought we'd try a little thing where I thank her each day for doing this thing for me - a way of having a little conversation about it, but it doesn't seem to have worked, I'm not sure why. I haven't done it and she hasn't mentioned it - more "pushy bottom"? I don't think so.

I mean, we have a real understanding here that this is about me, not her.

Why blog? I'm not happy with the amount of time I spend thinking about this stuff and reading other blogs about it. I'm hoping that having a place to actually talk about what I'm thinking will help me just acknowledge it and get on with the rest of my life. Remains to be seen how effective that is.

But also because "talking" about this will, I hope, help me figure out what I want, and how by beloved and I can come up with something that works for us.

Lest the best be enemy to the good, up this goes, with blog housekeeping and some reflections written over the last several month to follow.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Reflections on Control, "Who is this all for, anyway?"

I wrote this post almost a year before I posted it. But it reflects the thinking that has been percolating over much of the time since then. It's not complete, but the themes are so bound up with what's actually been happening, that I thought it was worth including.
----
Since my beloved is out of town and I'm still partly in the wrong time zone, I indulged in a little fantasy this morning. And since I have this agreement with my beloved that I don't get to orgasm without her permission, I knew that this fantasy wasn't going to get me off. But for those of us who like this sort of thing, the excitement and the frustration are what it's all about.

I realized a couple of weeks ago that all of this is about me and not about her. Stated so baldly, this is a "DUH" kind of realization. But as with many such things, when one figures out how it applies to one's own life, it has more impact. It also has a lot to so with "female supremacy" (and the lack thereof), and the reason why that whole train of thought is so intrinsically inimical to what she and I actually believe - yet why it is so compelling for me. I hope/think that maybe I've gotten away from it because it's not a useful thing for me. YMMV.

Anyway, having realized that she "cares" about my orgasms only in the context or sense that she cares for me and wants to make me happy, and that my having to ask her for permission is a way to do that, I wondered if that would be OK or be "sufficient" to make something happen for me. As it turns out, it is, mostly because it makes me very conscious of my desire. And because it has made me conscious of my relationship to my desire - which is to say my feeling that I'm not entitled to my desire.

[A digression: I think this is related to the "power" issue in male-female relations in our sexualized society. E.g. when a woman dresses "provocatively", to me it reads as "I want you to desire me, but I know that, because of the way you're socialized - to be civil, respectful, etc - I don't have to worry about your desire. Unless I give you permission to interact with me, you'd be hassling me and I know you won't do that." In that context, the woman has all the power. I know this says much more about me than about the hypothetical woman, but that's how it reads to me.]

Anyway, that realization about my relationship to desire and how the explicit (between her and me) acknowledgment of the fact that I need her permission for that desire is satisfying, that led me to another thought: There are times when I need more control or more focus. The analogy that kicked this off was actually listening to Temple Granden talk about restraining animals, and (if I remember correctly) with her own peculiar history, how she realized that sometimes she (Granden) found that kind of restraint calming and reassuring. I realized that metaphorically (and who knows, perhaps physically which maybe is why I like bondage) that sometimes I need to be controlled more.

Those in more traditional D&S relationships refer to "protocol" - how the submissive in the relationship is required to act. They refer to "high protocol" and "low protocol" as to how constrained the submissive's actions are. So I thought, "What if what I need are 'high protocol' days?" While I know that this does nothing for my beloved (as indeed the whole orgasm control does nothing for her), but if we could structure it so that it didn't impinge on her life too badly, she would be willing to do this for me if I needed it.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Maybe not so "Returned to Life" as I thought

Thanks to to Lady Julia and Thomas for checking in, and maybe dragging me out of my funk. This is certainly my least favorite time of year - Odd since spring seems like a relief to so many.

The briefest of updates: My beloved wife and I are still doing the chastity necklace thing, which seems to have a surprisingly profound effect on me psychologically, if nothing else. But I feel like I way behind on having a conversation with her about all this stuff.

On the other hand, with the way things have been going, I guess I'm just glad we're doing what we're doing.

Spring break brings family vacation so I won't be updating anything soon. But it's followed immediately by a two week business trip during which I expect to have lots of empty evening hours to fill, so maybe I'll catch up on my thoughts and my blogging, including figuring out some kind of new blogroll and cleaning up the sidebar.

Thanks to all those who blog thoughtfully about FLR or submissive males or whatever the heck we call this - I like TTWWD.

StrongNSubmissive made two posts that echo so much of what goes on with me. I'm hoping in my spare time to put up some thoughtful comments about how affecting and how much affinity I feel for them. They're at http://hardwiredsub.blogspot.com/2007/04/little-time-has-passed-since-my-last.html
and http://hardwiredsub.blogspot.com/2007/03/weeks-go-by-and-i-think-about-this-blog.html

Saturday, January 06, 2007

"Returned to Life" prompted by a post on the nature of fetish

I love Dan Savage. His sex advice is funny, politically correct, but above all, no bullshit. His philosophy of "good, giving, and game" (I'll find the cite sometime) is, I think, a fine place for a couple to being exploring their interests, especially if their interests don't magically line up perfectly. Anyway, I read the following and didn't want to lose it, so here it is:

From his December 7th column:

To a woman, regarding her boyfriend's fantasy, he writes (and I've edited out the reference to the fantasy itself, since I think they're irrelevant and his analysis of fantasy and fetish is so rigth on regardless of the fantasy or fetish...
...your boyfriend wants it. ... But he doesn't wanna want it and wishes it would go away. And it does go away, just like magic, immediately after he comes. Unfortunately, it comes roaring back as soon as he's horny again.

Where did his .... fetish come from? Like many fetishes, his ... thing is most likely a subconscious, erotic response to a sexually charged fear. While most of us learn to live with and occasionally conquer our fears without eroticizing them, a number of us respond to sexual fears or traumas by incorporating them into our erotic imaginations. Think of women—hip, together, progressive, feminist women—who act out rape fantasies; think of homos—hip, together, out homos—who dress up like soldiers, cops, firemen, and other stereotypically violent homophobes.

Women fear rape, yet some develop a fetish for it. Gay men fear violent homophobes, yet some dress up like violent homophobes...

Oh yeah, I've been gone for a while. At some point, maybe I'll write the "narrative continuity" post, but right now I'm a little busy. And who knows, maybe I'll clean up the links on the right AND talk about why I think submissive male blogs come and go... wait, is that what this is? - better think about that too...

Thursday, October 05, 2006

She's Back

Just a quick update on events of last night and today. Back from her business trip, we had an uneventful evening last night, though perhaps a little more flirtatious that normal for a pair of 50-somethings. In bed, we got quite passionate. I got to pleasure her orally, which is my favorite thing, and she sounded quite enthused about it. She decided to finish with me in her, so it doesn't look like I'll be asking about the necklace any time soon.

With a lot of work to catch up on, I got home late today; talking about that she said, "If you get home that late, I don't think you'll have time for exercise before dinner." I said, "I've been slacking off about that recently anyway." Which is true, though I'm not sure why - I really do need it for my health. So she said, "That's OK, I'll make you do it tomorrow."

In my head, I said, "Whaaatttt???" But I think I responded, "OK."

Oh my sad fantasy that this would mean what I want it to mean. But who knows....

The Man Watching


I came across this poem last weekend. I was struck by the last verse particularly. I know I'm taking it far at variance with how it was intended, but I still enjoyed it, and imagine that it does have something to do with how there can be growth in surrender.

The translation of Rilke from German (which I do not speak) is by Robert Bly. I've found his translations from the Spanish (which I do speak) to be quite "poetic" in the sense that they work as poetry in English, but also aren't necessarily totally faithful to the original. I have no idea how this would compare for a speaker of German.

The Man Watching

I can tell by the way the trees beat, after
so many dull days, on my worried windowpanes
that a storm is coming,
and I hear the far-off fields say things
I can’t bear without a friend,
I can’t love without a sister.

The storm, the shifter of shapes, drives on
across the woods and across time,
and the world looks as if it had no age:
the landscape, like a line in the psalm book,
is seriousness and weight and eternity.

What we choose to fight is so tiny!
What fights with us is so great!
If only we would let ourselves be dominated
as things do by some immense storm,
we would become strong too, and not need names.

When we win it’s with small things,
and the triumph itself makes us small.
What is extraordinary and eternal
does not want to be bent by us.
I mean the Angel who appeared
to the wrestlers of the Old Testament:
when the wrestlers’ sinews
grew long like metal strings,
he felt them under his fingers
like chords of deep music.

Whoever was beaten by this Angel
(who often simply declined the fight)
went away proud and strengthened
and great from that harsh hand,
that kneaded him as if to change his shape.
Winning does not tempt that man.
This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively
by constantly greater beings.

Rainer Maria Rilke
translated by Robert Bly

What's normative? What's true? And why write?

This started out as a reply to Saratoga and Polyfetishst's comments on my last post, but quickly got out of hand, so I guess it gets to be a post of its own.

I find that Saratoga has a very prescriptive style of writing which I suspect some people find off-putting. It certainly makes me read things twice before I (think I) get what he actually means.

I found Candace's writing titillating and amusing, and some of the questions she raised about her relationship, interesting. A long time ago, I tried to cultivate the habit of suspending judgement on the "truth" value of stories which I couldn't verify anyway. The "truth" by which I evaluated them became more as I evaluate fiction: "Does it speak to an emotional reality that I couldn't easily gain access to otherwise?" If so, then, there's a "truth" there worth considering.

As someone who's been struggling with this issue for oh, say 35 years now, I found Ms. Rika's writing clear and from a striking different point of view, and thus appreciate it. I don't think I find it "sympathetic" (to borrow Polyfetishist's term), but it feels like a tonic to me.

I certainly don't mean to give either of them normative power, but my goal in reading around the blogosphere is get as many points of view from real experience as I can. And there's a certain voyeuristic thrill to it, which I find actually detracts from the clarity that I'm seeking.

I'm writing about my exploration and my process of bringing this in to the open in my relationship with my beloved wife. So I do expect that the whole thing will grow and change, and even that it will change markedly before we get to being explicit about it; that's OK with me.

I think the "She comes first" formulation is rather simplistic, but sometimes I find, strong simplistic statements are good for changing my point of view. I agree with your friend "V" that a domme with a "I come first" attitude would probably have a short run on relationships. But from the sub point of view, that's probably a valid point of departure. From the Dommes point of view I suspect it's something like "I get a strong claim on this person's time and attention" along with "I'm responsible for how I use that claim." But that's wild conjecture, since I'm pretty far from that mind set.

It looks like perhaps Polyfetishist and I share this trait that makes is a little more focussed on the needs of our partners than of ourselves; this is in general, not a good thing, I think. Or can certainly lead to problems, while it also provides benefits of empathy.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

What do I want?

MistressLaura's Boy describes what happened when Mistress Laura wanted him to get through an activity of hers that he wasn't comfortable with. Read about it in Dealing with jealousy femdom style.

After reading that, I was laying awake at night with the question that so often bedevils me: What do I want? What am I asking for? What do I want to try.

The process of figuring that out has been (psychologically) much complicated by reading Ms. Rika's site - it's very well written, but disturbing, or actually discouraging, in ways I couldn't figure out. I finally came to look at it like this: her writing is a very needed tonic to the "do me" school of sub-wannabes, who think that "submission" is about getting their partners to be their fantasy of the whip-wielding leather-clad Dominatrix. On the other hand, I think her writing comes close to a dominant's fantasy of the same kind of thing: following her advice, the submissive will become darn-near the perfect helpmate and service person. But, (to turn her question on it's head), what's in it for the submissive?

She alludes to the fact that she enjoys doing "domly" things to her submissives sometimes. It's the thing I've always found unsatisfying about her site: there not enough of her there, nor any of her husband and stable of submissives - I forget, one live-in and a couple of part-times or something... There's not enough of anyone there to get a sense of what their relationships are like and why this works for them. Why aren't they all highly paid personal assistants to powerful people, if they like serving so much?

Clearly they're getting something back (psychically) from the relationship. Clearly, as Ms. Rika says, there's a relationship there. I'd love to know what it is, only because, having said, "Your relationship is not going to look like this fantasy," it would be encouraging to read, "My relationships look like this; this is one model that's working for me and my submissives."

Many thanks to StrongNSubmissive for pointing out that all relationships are quid-pro-quo. It certainly was the thing that I found difficult and challenging about Ms. Rika's site.

This digression about Ms. Rika happens because, after reading her stuff, the question "What do I want" isn't even relevant. I think it's taken me this long (and about four attempts at this post) to figure that out.

So, returning from our digression, I came up with two answers to "What Do I Want?" One keys off of MistressLaura's Boy's experience. The most succinct way I can sum up that post is that "she took him." And, for whatever reason, I want to "be taken" that way. I suppose I could (and probably will) try to figure out why that is. And, more productively, what that means. But the experience he describes, of being with someone who is so secure in her relationship with him, and he so willing to go where he's uncomfortable when demanded to by her, results in his being "taken" there. Psychologically, I find that as irresistible as a moth does a flame.

The other thought occurred to me on the way home tonight: "How do you tell someone you want to make them the center of your life?" Because that's what I think I want to do with my beloved. I want to be comfortable enough in our relationship that I can make her the center of my life without demanding that kind of detailed attention from her - without being her being "the mommy" and "responsible" for me. I clearly still find that dynamic a dangerous shoal.

I realized this when I realized the ridiculous number of things I do - trying to get exercise, learn an instrument, be on a couple of community boards, and be active in our church (and just so you get the right idea, it's a big part of our lives and it's a hyper-liberal church). Would I give some of them up if it meant that I could focus more time and energy on her and the things she wants? You bet.

Would I do that if we didn't have some quid pro quo in place about what was happening and why? No way. Not because I'm selfish (well, maybe - I supposed that's best left for others to judge) but because those things feed me, and if I'm going to give them up, I need to be fed other ways. And I thing being in a committed submissive relationship is a way to do that.

What I want back in that quid pro quo is an acknowledgement of what I'm doing, and and acknowledgement that it's important to my beloved that I be aware of what I'm doing. It's all those little rituals that some submissive husbands describe, and which have meaning because those in the relationship give them meaning.

For example, WhateverSheSays points out that he "forgot" to make the morning coffee and that this little incident became a moment whose dynamic I suspect they will return to until they figure out their mutual expectations about it. I make two double-lattes every morning (or very close to every morning) here in our house. It's not a submissive act - we like good strong coffee. When I used to leave in the wee hours for a long commute to work, I'd leave hers on the counter and she has said it was like a little lovely reminder from me. But she expected it only out of habit, and its absence would be seen as WhateverSheSays' wife saw his lapse with the coffee: as the intrusion of other events on to life, and a reasoned decision on his part (too tired) to make the coffee. Whereas his expectation/hope/fantasy was that she would make her convenience/expectation of service more important than his judgement about the balance of other events in his life.

In other words, I'll venture to say that WhateverSheSays, and certain I (at this point in my thinking) are saying

SHE COMES FIRST

...before my convenience, before my "being tired," and in fact, before everything except my best judgement about what is good for us, our relationship, and our family. That I've agreed to subordinate "what I want" for "what she wants," "what is convenient for her" in return for her agreeing to expect that, acknowledge that, remind me of that, and make me acknowledge that.


Phew. I don't think that's exactly right. But this is my fifth try at this, so up it goes and maybe it will break the log jam and help things get clearer.




On another note, I'm sorry about the demise of Candace's "Woman Rules Roost" blog. I don't know if it was an experiment of hers that failed or whether she got hacked, but which ever, it seems to be gone. Any info appreciated.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Crazy Busy and Unsettled

...or caged by circumstance. I'm on a few too many community boards, minorly involved in a theatre production which takes a fair amount of free time for about 2 weekends, and sick enough to have effectively "lost" last night to sleeping and recovering. But a quick update because I think things are freshest if written sooner rather than later.

Our little experiment with the "chastity necklace" is working out well, I think. It was 10 days ago or so that my beloved last put it on, and we had a great discussion about how it should work - our first frank discussion about sex and approaching even this small bit of kink in a long time. Needless to say, when I wasn't in community meetings last week, I felt a little like a kid with a new toy. But, trying to be honest about it, I decided to wait until I wanted relief, not just to "test the system."

And lo and behold, Saturday morning ended up with a very pleasant romp in the hay in which it pleased her to have me inside her, and relief was not an issue. As I often do, I apologized for makeing that part of the event so brief, for I find, as Candace has noted, that longer intervals lead to less staying power. She said, "That's just icing on the cake, the main event is already long over." Which I obviously knew, but wasn't sure of the relative importance of the two parts of the event. I still like it that my being inside her happens when it pleases her; I'll have to remember to thank her for that if the opportunity arises and emphasize how much I like it that way.

It did occur to me that if I didn't get relief while we were having our romp, I could have immediately asked her to take the necklace off me, and that didn't seem right. I'm wondering if we can add a 24-hours-after-she-cums-and-I-don't piece to this arrangement. But no urgency on that (I think).

Wednesday morning, between not feeling well and being a little stressed, I thought some relief might be in order, so I asked her to take off the necklace. I had no expectations of what she might say; I knew she'd say "Yes" (I know her that well), but didn't know if she'd be peeved, not want to provide a time to put it back on and so have me use the dice, provide some long amount of time, or what. To my surprise, she said, "Bring this back to me after you shower." Well, that was pretty explicit. So I did. That worked out well!

I'm still mulling over the contents of Ms. Rika's site - I've written and discarded at least one post on it. In one sense, I wonder if her site is a Domme's version of the sub's "do me" fantasy - Originally, I was wondering what was in it for the sub. On the theory that this has to be a relationship (and I appreciate her emphasis on that) there has to be something in it for both people. And there is, as she writes it, but only implicitly.

Which brings up the whole "Is submission a quid pro quo?" question. A big one for later.

Also have been musing on the depths of submission, and what it means. When I'm mindful of it, I find myself deferring to my beloved far more than I used to, and I think that makes things work well around our house - no big news there, as that seems to be part of the point of an "loving female authority" or "Venus on Top" kind of relationship. More on that later too.

Finally, thinking a lot about the "female superior" versus different-but-equal (assymetry) models of men and women relating in relationships that deal explicitly with power. Thanks to Saratoga (or rather, I guess, a friend of his) pointing out that either we're not dealing with "power exchange" here, or the term needs to be defined carefully. More on that latter as well.

The point of all this "more on that later" business is that all these threads have kept me from posting anything, and I wanted to break the log-jam. So we'l get to that stuff, but life and this peculiar experiment go on.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Powerful poem: "And The Men" by Tony Hoagland

Garrison Keillor - sometimes I love him and sometimes I hate him, but I love the fact that he reads a poem aloud every day (even though sometimes I hate the way he reads it, and sometimes they work so well). Today's was one that worked so well.

Absent permission, some excerpts form Tony Hoagland's "And The Men":

And The Men

want back in:
all the Dougs and the Michaels, the Darnells, the Erics and Josés,
they're standing by the off-ramp of the interstate
holding up cardboard signs that say WILL WORK FOR RELATIONSHIP.
...
Because being a man was finally too sad—
In spite of the perks, the lifetime membership benefits.
And it got old,
...
Always holding the fear inside
like a tipsy glass of water—
...



The whole thing might be archived at The Writer's Almanac for the week of September 18, 2006

I've been thinking a lot recently about the relationship between self-esteem and femdom and service. Paradoxically, the more I think about service, and the more my beloved and I play our little game (I don't really know what to call this chastity thing otherwise), the more (I think) my self esteem improves. And the less the "worship the Goddess" "all Women are superior to men" capitalization thing and all, the less it makes any sense to me.

I'm actually a little relieved at that because it conflicts with some of my deeply held values, which talk a lot about the inherent worth and dignity of every person. And while I could twist a "female superior" ideology around so that it seemed consistent with that, it always seemed kind of tortured (pun intended, I guess...)

I think maybe this also opens up possible lines of communication about this with my beloved, who believes in that stuff even more fervently than I do, and for whom I know that has always been a barrier.

As I've gotten older I've ended up looking kind of distinguished - especially if I dress up. I mention this only because I have definately noticed that it creates a set of expectations in people, of how they think I expect to be treated and how they expect me to treat them - expectations that are usually quite at odds with who I am. So Hoagland's lines about "being a man was finally too sad — in spite of the perks, the lifetime membership benefits. And it got old..." really resonated. Fortunately for me, I've never identified (much) with those expectations that people create for me, at least around the older white male part. But if it was your identity, I can see how it could be very painful to realize it's limitations.

On the other hand, "Always holding the fear inside like a tipsy glass of water" - as good a simile as any I've seen for knowing what I want, yearning for an explicit power dynamic in a relationship, and not being able to have it, and being afraid that it would "get out."

I'm enjoying this experiment and its subtle, and not so subtle, effects on my "real life."

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A Wonderful Gift

The Fantasy
The Reality
Sunday mornings are a little busy around our house. We both teach sunday school occasionally, so my beloved often leaves around 8:45 so she can catch the early service before she has to teach. This means that Sunday mornings often to not afford leasurely moments for pleasure (and sometimes they do, which is quite fun). I always enjoy watching her change out of her night-shirt, and though she's not going to be in anyone's fashion magazine any time soon, to me she's beautiful and a pleasure to see. Imagine my surprise when just afterwards she walked over to the bed, and put her hand on my necklace and asked, "Do I need to take this off while you shower this morning?" You could have knocked me over with a feather.

In fact, I was speachless. Before I could respond, she said, "I didn't know if you were going to ask; we have to figure out what the protocol is for this." I told her that the whole question kind of fried my brain and I didn't know how to respond - I didn't have a moment to tell her (though I have in the past) that being caught between phyiscal pleasure now and psychic pleasure over the long term, I don't know how to choose. I think it's a dichotomy that's familiar to many men who have indulged in orgasm denial.

(Early on when orgasm ceased to be a fore-gone conclusion for me when we had sex, she would ask me if I wanted to cum. I said I always preferred it if she would decide, since I win either way: either I get the immediate pleasure, or I get the "slow burn." Actually, she hated the "You decide" answer, even though I think she saw the logic of it. So I don't answer that way anymore, and she's stopped asking, which is very satisfying. Now I just cum if it would enhance her pleasure, or if I ask.)

The asking part is very important for me. She said this morning, "I didn't know if you were going to ask, or what." I mentioned that I was, but I was waiting for the right time. I didn't want to do it at a moment when she would find the whole discussion distasteful. And Friday night she initiated a love-making session that didn't work out for her (this happens sometimes; I think we agreed "nothing ventured nothing gained," and that though it wasn't immediately satisfying, maybe we just learned a little about what works and doesn't). At that point I didn't want to ask because I didn't want it to come off as "You got me all hot and bothered and now I want mine."

In fact, I've had the worst case of blue-balls for a week now since it's been two weeks and she was away for part of that time. So asking was definately on my mind.

I said I would love to have a discussion later one about the protocol around this necklace - (are you kidding, I get one of my big fantasies to happen in real life?!?!?!) So i get to go off and have a shower and get some relaxed relief, and the prospect of an interesting discusion towards the end of the day.


Yesterday was one of those moments in small submission - I was going to clean up my desk and stuff, but she suggested, "You could work on that project" (the one we started last weekend). No question there. And it was fun to do, knowing that she had requested it. Which is the answer in my life to WhateverSheSays' question of "if my wife adds changing the sheets on the bed to the "honey-do" list, ... do I include the time changing the sheets" as submission?



There's an ending to the discussion about the necklace. Late on Sunday when (mirabile dictu) both kids were out of the house, I brought the necklace downstairs and asked if we were going to have a discussion about this. I can't reproduce the discussion verbatim, but it included questions like, "What does this mean to you?" and answers like "That I don't get to cum as long as I'm wearing it." The hardest was probably the heartfelt "What does that do for you; why do you want this?" I took my time thinking about that one; for reasons I don't understand, the words were very hard to come by.

I settled on, "It gives me a feeling of being controlled, and I like that. It gives me a feeling of being connected to you, and I like that too." That doesn't seem to capture the emotional weight of the thing, but was the best linear straightforward rational-sounding explanation I could articulate that was consistent with what I felt.

I can't remember if she asked why I felt that way; I don't think so. Which is good, since I couldn't have given her a good answer anyway.

We proceeded on to "How should this work." I was concerned that we come up with something that did not require her to guess about my state of mind, nor that had "right" and "wrong" answers from her (shades of the "do I get to cum" question during sex). Since I'm much more interested in this than she, I suggested that I ask her when I want the necklace removed, which I guess is a wierd definition of "chastity," but it feels like the most realistic thing I could think of. I told her that ranges of answers that worked for me included "Yes", "No", and "Sure, at thus-and-so time." (I think that pretty much covers the waterfront, so to speak.)

What I asked of her was that she name the time at which I had to put the necklace back on. It's that control thing again. Again, the range of answers that work for me range from "One minute from now" to "Sure, in two weeks." Though I pointed out that the longer away it was, the more that felt like something she'd do if she was angry with me. So far, as simple as I could make it.

I figured there might be times when she didn't want to think about the whole thing, and rather than make her feel obligated to do so, I suggested she could choose a dice game to set the time instead; rolling two dice for the number of hours, with some special cases for long and short amounts of time. It seemed simple enough for her as an alternative to being "responsible" for getting the "right" answer, though I have no idea if she'll ever choose to use it.

She (I think) suggested that I bring the necklace to her for her to put on me.

Overall, I think this will be a very satisfactory arrangement, and perhaps is illustrative of the difference between fantasy and reality. I guess we'll know more the first time I ask her to take it off me, but I don't know when that will be. Some time yet, is my guess, as my rate of (self provided) "relief" varies wildly from several times a week to twice a month or so.

I am deeply appreciative that she is doing this thing "for me," having no idea why I could possibly want this, and getting no (apparent) emotional impact herself from this. Which I why I attempted to structure it as minimally intrusive upon her as possible. Paradoxically, it really is a concrete illustration of how much she loves me and is willing to do for me. And I do appreciate it and hope that I express the love I feel as well.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

There Is No Such Thing As Stealth Submission (A little history, a little lament)

Much of my recent thinking around submission and where this is going was catalized by a post on Ms. Rika's site. Most of her site is an extended essay on how real service-oriented submission might work for a woman and her submissve man. But she also has a forum that gets surprisingly little traffic, and it was there that I found this gem. The whole thread is worth reading, but what she said so succinctly, was

Guys...there is no such thing as stealth submission. Let's end this notion. It's not submission if it's not received from a position of dominance. It cannot be received from dominance if it's not known.

Communication is the key to all aspects of a relationship - including D/s.

D/s is a power EXCHANGE. It's not a one-way street. It is not something you manipulate your partner into - it's something you share. Most importantly you share intent...it is not hidden.


To be fair, after reading what she said, I refined my idea of "stealth submission" a bit. I absolutely agree that submission without dominance is not submission, it's something else. But that's not what I'm trying for. As I said earlier, I'm trying for a "habit of mind" that will make real submission easier.

But I'm trying two other things two: becoming comfortable enough with myself to acknowledge who I am and what I am interested in. And learning to ask for what I want.

I've talked about the former several times - it's why I'm writing this blog. It's giving myself permission to think about what in fact I've been thinking about since I was 12 years old. It's not having to hide that from myself, even if I do not yet have the courage to share it with my beloved. It's letting myself explore, at least in my thoughts. It's reading and sharing with others who are exploring. And it's letting this fascination with power dynamics in relationships be part of my life instead of being opposed to my life. Where was it I read recently that anything you oppose and make "other" will end up controlling and owning you.

Learning to ask for what I want is paradoxical, and is, I think, a paradox that confronts many submissives. Sort of by definition, the act of submission is (or appears to be) the ceding of control. That's why there are all these fantasies about being abducted or enslaved or becoming someone's servant against one's will. But of course real life doesn't work that way.

I can't tell you how many streets I've wandered on how many continents (I used to travel a lot for work) on how many nights, waiting for that to happen, waiting to see "the person," waiting for the situation to occur. In all fairness, if that had been now rather than 35 years ago, things could easily have been different. Power dynamics and fetish are far more out in the open now than they were then. But that obscures the real point, which is the simple child's maxim: good things come to those who ask. If I don't take responsibility for asking for the things I want and creating the life I want to have, that life is not just going to happen.

Which also doesn't mean that if I ask for what I want, it is magically going to happen either. Some time I will write some of the story of the travails my beloved and I have gone through around this subject. In Dan Savage's adage, she was "good, giving, and game." But I didn't know what I was trying to do, and 20 years of repression just came erupting out of my psyche - not a pretty sight! It wasn't horrible (well, there were one or two horrible moments). It clearly wasn't blissful (and I use the term advisedly, although there were one or two moments of great peace and satisfaction). Honestly, of the several (four?) runs we've taken at this, I remember the denouments of only two. In each there was enough unprocessed "stuff" to founder the experiment.

Each little moment of asking for what I want is a little step in the right direction; each one is a little brink I can put on to the ediface of my self definition. Suggesting that I could paint my beloved's toenails is that kind of step. Answering honestly about how much satisfaction I get from having intercourse only at her pleasure is that kind of step. Telling my beloved how much I enjoy the necklace that is our symbolic chastity device is one of those steps. And the more of those steps I take, the close I come to being able to do what I really must do.

Ms. Rika is absolutely right that without conversation and interaction, there is no submission; by extension I'd say there is no wife-led marriage or loving female authority.

I also think that there will be no conversation between my beloved and myself. I'm sure I didn't start it, but I've been a great fan of that meme; I've used it in a couple of discussion groups and I think I've mentioned it here. I think it's a mistake.

It implies that at some point we sit down and I say "Honey, I've been thinking about all that power exchange stuff and I think it's really important to me, and we need to do something about it." That raises all sorts of questions about who it is I want her to be, while she just wants to be herself.

I think what actually happens, is that we find one thing at a time that works for us. This requires patience on my part, and if personal (figuratively) masturbatory fantasies form a part of that patience, I don't think any harm is done - why despite Ms. Rika's dismemberment of "stealth submission," I think the concept still has some utility for me.

I suspect that many/most/all of those early things will be service things for her. If I get to paint her nails, I got a treat; I'm happy and if it doesn't do violence to her sense of self and it isn't a hassle for her, she's happy. If I just follow her leadership on everything that calls for a decision (after doing my due diligence and obligation to give her all the information and best options I can think of), then even if that isn't the authority that I say I want, I think I can be happier doing that and acknowledging to myself, who I am, than I was denying the whole thing and shoving it away.

I keep using the necklace as an example that could grow and be acknowledged because it's the thing we're closest to talking about. But it could end up being something else. And, I suspect, for this to work for me in the long term, I am going to want more than just that. The kinds of "standing rules" that Saratoga and Mistress Laura's Boy refer to in Saratoga's post on "On The Domina's Firmness vs. Yielding in a FemDom Relationship" and their partners' acknowledgement of them occasionally are what give life to this kind of relationship. But that's far in the future.

What I'm Doing and Why

Saratoga published a lovely post that basically came in two parts: some reflections on why men have such a low "success rate" in enticing their partners in to a femdom relationship, and the story of how he revealed to his Domina (to be) that he was interested in "this kind of stuff." In his case, he used pictures to accompany his contention that there was a level of intimacy that would be unattainable otherwise. But if you want the whole thing, read the post for yourself.

I bring it up because it sparked a slew of comments, starting with oldbear's sharing of the fact that "Sometimes my shame and desperation to be free of what I am almost made me suicidal." As I mentioned in my comment, "Been there, done that, have the Doctor's bills to prove it." But more, I realized that where I am in my life, I have to become more comfortable with myself around this issue. Writing has been a good way to do this. From that place of comfort and acceptance of myself, I need to express, in smaller or larger ways, and to greater (or, actually, I suspect lesser) degrees, this aspect of myself. If I don't, I'm pretty sure I'll either go nuts or die, either figuratively or literally -- from one of those stress-related "Wow, he died from that and he was only how old?" diseases, or from one of those thoughts of suicide that are not total strangers.

Having started on that cheery note, I was trying to "unpack" the concepts of femdom as it relates to female-led relationships. A wife can lead and a husband can follow without explicit submission; leading and following are what you do, not what you say or how you feel about what you do. And you can follow someone's lead without their explicitly choosing to lead. It reminds me of a game we used to play as kids: if one person didn't want to play follow-the-leader, they automatically became the leader and everyone followed them. (Talk about non-consensual!)

Authority, however, is something you have to take, and something you have to be given. I can give you authority over me, but if you don't take it, it doesn't happen. You can assume authority over me, but unless I choose to accept your authority, nothing happens. And authority is what a femdom or submissive relationship is about. And that's the transaction that the submissive male wants to make happen. And unless he and she, my beloved and I, can find a way to make that transaction satisfying for both of us, I fear we are in a hard place.

I love having this necklace as a symbol of her control over my sexual release. But if she does not use that control, if she doesn't say "No" some time when I ask to take it off, if she doesn't ever refer to the fact that I have given up some authority by taking on this necklace, then I'm not going to be satisfied.

I can do all the "submitting" I want, in terms of taking suggestions or not masturbating or trying to figure out what my beloved wants. But until there is an acknowledgement of what I am doing, until there is an acceptance on her part of the fact that I want, crave, must, am compelled to, am obsessed by the idea of, ceding real authority to her, the whole thing is a masturbatory fantasy in my head.

I could wish it were otherwise. I could pretend it was otherwise. But it's not.

I do have some inkling why. I need that stroke that says, "I control you" because that stroke says to me, "I love you," and I want, more than almost anything, to be loved by my beloved. More than almost anything, but not more (as the cliche goes) than life itself, and not, moreover, more than sanity itself. And I fear that that is what it started coming down to.

Coming soon.... how I might get that acknowledgement...

In other news, I've been reading StrongSubmissive's blog HardwiredSub.blogspot.com, particularly the early posts. In some ways, I want to say "Dude, you stole my life." So many of those situations are so familiar, and while we haven't gotten to separate bedrooms yet, it's not like I haven't thought about it.

A Service Vignette

When my beloved is out of town, things get a little hectic around here, doing the day job, keeping the home business running, and getting two teenagers to all their committments.

Right before she left, we were in the middle of a little vignette about painting her toe-nails, something I dearly dearly love to do, and have had the opportunity to do only a handful of times in the last 24 or so years. In fact, I was surprised when a year or so ago when she started painting her toenails - influence of my sister-in-law, I think.

That worked out both better and worse than I might have hoped. What happened was that I realized that we just had time to get to a historical event I knew my son would like, so I suggested that we go. That meant we probably wouldn't be home by the time my beloved had to leave on her business trip. So we said our goodbyes, and as I was driving down the road, I did a dope-slap and realized that the opportunity for my little toe-nail adventure was gone. No regrets there - my priorities are firmly in place and my kids come way before my little personal dramas.

Before we left, I tried just a little intimacy - a hug in the kitchen while life was going on, with a very subtle subtext of "you're leaving for three days and what am I going to do for intimacy." At least that's how I interpreted her interpretation of my body-language. And what I got back I interpreted as a slightly exasperated "please leave your fantasies out of this and get a life." So while we were out, to the extent that I thought about this at all (which wasn't much except during the boring parts of the drive), I was pretty discouraged.

In the event, we came back before she had left, and amid all the pleasantries, she remarked that she was glad we had, since the leave-taking seemed a little odd as we left for our event. I noticed that she had done her toenails, and remarked that I was sorry I hadn't been able to help out. She said something to the effect of the fact that there will be another opportunity.

It sounds almost pathetic to me, but that qualifies as a small victory: the idea of me doing something for her is not totally out of the question. I know it's all mood-dependent (hers and mine) and that mine is not so hot right now, but I hope it's a step in the right direction.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

What Does "Serving Her" Look Like?


It doesn't look like this picture, much though I wish it did. In fact the The Northern California Ladies Tea and Discussion Society pretty much has captured my fantasy of recreational service. They appear to be dormant, and in any case, they're not around here.

The last couple of days have felt like they've been a little low of service opportunities. That's probably because I haven't learned to look the right way in the right places. What I have figured out is that for me, "serving her" in the context of a wife-led marriage (or a female-led relationship) is about figuring out what she wants, and doing that.

Yesterday, it came in the form of a long-deferred home improvement project - actually one of the last steps in a project that's been pending for years. She's suggested we work on it on several occaisions over the past several years. It's the kind of project I dread. Yesterday she mentioned it - she didn't exactly ask, she didn't "demand"; in her typical way, it was along the lines of "We could work on..." My only question was "Should we do that before or after I mow the lawn?"

So the project is done; there was a certain amount of scruffling around a dirty basement; we worked together on it because it really was a two person project, and we are a team (see Saratoga's post on teamwork and my perhaps excessively long comment); and I got to feel a little "buzz" while doing it that this is what my beloved wanted to have happen, and it was happening.

So was that "service" (or submission), or was that just "not being an asshole anymore." That's putting it a bit strongly, since I do enough stuff that it is occasionally remarked upon. But the point I'm learning is that a wife-led marriage is not about fantasy and kink. It's about listening and serving.

It's important to distinguish this, for a moment, from

  • what I think she wants,
  • what I'd want if I were her,
  • what I want her to want from me.

Some of this I've figured out by reading other postings. There is this whole concept of "stealth submission" out there. I've seen it credited to either Elise Sutton or to the Addisons. The theory is that you start doing submissive things, and somehow the whole situation starts to resemble your fantasy.

Ms. Rika trashes that notion pretty thoroughly, in my opinion, in a brief thread on her forum. She concludes with the questions:

  • What's the difference between chivalry and service?
  • What's the difference between acts of kindness to a mate and D/s?

While I don't entirely agree with Ms. Rika on this, here's an example of the kind of thing that I think misses the point. I read this post on a mailing list I'm on, and for me it's pretty much a caricature of this approach (reproduced without permission):

Stealth Submission: 1st Night
1. Washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, after he made dinner
when I came home.
2. Did the laundry and folded the children's clothes.
3. Prepared the kids lunches for school the next day.
4. Cleaned the kids room last night, with their help of course.
5. Bathed the kids and got them ready for bed.
6. Set the coffee maker to brew her morning coffee..decaf only.
7. Made the bed this morning while she went on her daily walk.
8. Prepared the kids breakfast this morning.
9. Dropped off the dry cleaning on my way to work.

Don't get me wrong, these are all fine things to do. But this strikes me as kind of zero-to-sixty in nothing flat. I wonder if someone starting from nothing is going to be able to maintain this pace. Apparently, the poster thinks so:

2nd Night of my Quest:
1. Cooked dinner and Cleaned the Kitchen.
2. Cleaned both children's room after dinner.
3. Did the laundry. She said that this was her job, but came back
and asked her why this is defined as her job or role. I could hear
her mind thinking as I said that.
4. Put the kids to bed.
5. Washed her lingerie in Woolite--this blew her mind.
6. During the day, she asked about certain, small decisions like
weeding our front flower-beds, dinner with her folks, etc. Told her
it's her decision and happy with whatever she decides.
On the other hand, we haven't heard any more from this fellow on that list, and there was some evidence (and much discussion from the women on the list) that his wife had the obvious "What the hell is going on here?" reaction. At which point much difficult conversation is necessary, for which perhaps the necessary relationship groundwork has not been laid.

I hope "stealth submission" will work for me by creating a habit of mind to listen to what my beloved wants, and to realize that I'm happier doing that than imposing my own will on the situation. And, paradoxically, that this makes it easier to ask for what I want (ultimately, in the long run). This brings up the question of whether male submission is a "quid pro quo," about which I'll have to write another time.

Today's example (a very little vignette still unfolding): She needs to either re-paint her toe-nails or take the polish off. She knows this and is going away on business for a few days. So in the midst of a busy morning, she appeared downstairs in the kitchen with the polish remover.

I did not say "Please, please, can I possibly do that for you, I'd love it and it would make me so happy." All of which is true. A little while latter she said, "I need to take the polish off my toe-nails before I go; it isn't looking very professional right now."

I said, "I could help you with that."

She said, "That would be fine."

If it works out that way, small victories (in many senses, I think).

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Communication and Satisfaction

For the sake of narrative completness, if nothing else, I want to write a little about Monday morning.

Actually, there's another reason as well: sex is the one place were we are having a certain amount of success with a female-led relationship. I say "we" because this aspect of our relationship has developed more-or-less organically and it seems to meet most of our needs. Also, it's the one place where we talk most about the control/power dynamics of our relationship and that seems to work. Which is encouraging: it suggests that talking about this in a larger context may not be altogether a futile effort.

While trying to thread the needle between "kiss and tell," say what needs to be said, and provide some (moderately) entertaining reading, here's how it went. I love to snuggle, not only when there is sex involved. But if we have a relaxed morning, as Monday was, one thing can usually lead to another. If she's interested, she'll kiss me and respond and let me know that she's interested in something more. If she's not, that's the end of that.

As she was, on Monday, I'll usually look for ways to please her. Like any intimate couple, I have a fairly good idea of what she likes and we communicate about what's working and not working. If I haven't gotten off in a while, one of my concerns will be avoiding too much stimulation.

She climaxes much more satisfyingly if I'm using my hand or mouth on her wabbly bits. I get to come in her if she's still feeling unsatisfied, which seems to be about half the time. The rest of the time she used to feel "obligated" to provide me some "relief", but I think she understands that for me, it's much more thrilling if sex is about her satisfaction, than if it's about mine.

I don't know about all men, but for me the act of "release" is so mechanical that in some senses it's a let down. THat isn't to say that the physical sensations are mind-blowing at times. But they're relatively brief, and the relaxed satisfaction afterwards is only seldom more rewarding than that feeling of being "on edge" and the focus that I keep on my beloved when I've been brought to the edge and then kept there.

For a while, I think she was offended by this, feeling that I wasn't finding intercourse as much "fun" as something else. I don't think we every actually spoke about this, but that was my impression. I've taken pains to tell her how enjoyable sex is with her, regardless of whether or not I orgasm.

This week, after she came, she popped the "Penny for your thoughts" question; we do that some times. Occaisionly in the past if I've been deep in some fantasy, I've answered in generalities, but I've determined not to do that any more and in this case I didn't. Rather, I responded (100% truthfully),
"I love it that I only get to cum in you when it's what you really want; it makes it very special." Now in truth, I wouldn't mind if it were more seldom, and hence more special, but the fact that it's her choice and in response to what she wants is what's best of all.

One issue is that we haven't (or I haven't) figured out how to end a love-making session when I haven't cum. We were lying there comfortably, and I commented that, will the pre-cum, I had managed to make something of a mess anyway, and she said, "Well, why don't you finish it." The tension between wanting to cum and wanting to stay on the edge is always a difficult one. In the past, I might have wheedled a bit and tried to manipulate her in to "telling" me to cum, or "telling" me not to, but I think I actually have learned something (cue Robin Williams from Alladin: "He can be taught!"), which is that "Why don't you" or "You could" or "It would nice if" are the kinds of "commands" I'm going to get, and I'm going to listen to them. Which, by the way, is one of the reasons I think things are going so relatively well.

So I did, which was pleasant too.

Somewhere in the previous days (I can't remember now exactly when, which is a shame) I had the opportunity to comment on my gold "chastity" necklace, and how much I like it and what it represented. I feel like I only get to put one of these kinds of comments two or maybe three times a week at most, so having the opportunity to actually say how I'm feeling is very satisfying.

Now I know this may sound kind of pathethic to those who have relationships in which communication is better, and in truth, ours was one of those relationships, which is why I think it will be again. But with the stresses of parenting and economics, we've gotten waaaaay out of the habit. And with the fact that among the things that are most important to me is this whole subject that has so much history to it between us, it's going to take a while and some work.

And for me, this blog is part of that work.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Why I'm Here


Thanks to all the wonderful people who commentted on "out of sorts." It was a good way to get started on a reflection as to why I'm here, what I'm trying to do, and what I'm learning.

VeezKnight, who I respect a lot, pointed out that what I'm doing here "is less than honest." I can explain; I can't excuse: at least one thing seems to be coming clear to me with regard to this aspect of my personality...

I am a coward

Not proud of that, but it does explain a lot. And I don't expect it to be permanent.

Lady Julia hit the mark, as this has been the first place in 10 years or more where I've really felt I can "be myself." Part of that is exploring how I feel about all those pieces of myself, how I choose to express them, and what they mean in the larger context of my life.

When playing around with this with my beloved wife and interacting with others at "munches" and such, things obviously get much more complicated. One of the critiques of on-line relationships and communications is that the "bandwidth" is much narrower than in "real life" and much is lost.

In this case, I think something important may also be gained, as we act and are judged by our words, rather than how we look, or what our body-language says. I suspect it also helps some of us (that would be me) avoid doing stupid things out of desperation, or out of the "kid in the candy store" effect, or out of the "I've never been here before and I may never be here again, so I want it all NOW!" All things that I think I've fallen prey to.

So what I'm looking forward to is the constancy that coming back here every day brings, and the perspective I gain on myself from looking at where I've been. The absolutely fabulous comments from people and the sense of community have been an unexpected and wonderful bonus.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Are You My Mother?

Ever insightful, Candace responded eloquently to a commentator who suggested that men in a marriage characterized by loving female authority were in fact looking for their mothers. The gist of her comments were that the relationship is sensual and respectful, but not (as I read it) subservient. But read it yourself and make your own conclusions.

But it struck me because, on our recent vacation, I came up with a list of topics I'd like to write about, this was one of them.

My beloved and I have taken a number of runs at a relationship that involves asymmetrical power dynamics - which is what I think I'd actually perfer to call this kind of relationship, except that it's so unwieldly. The most serious were more than 10 years ago, so my memories of the specifics of how we got to just this arrangement or that is a little hazy. But I remember that we had established a few things around the house that she just wanted done, some of which I didn't remember to do quite so well. One or the other of us kept a log of infractions, and occasionally we would have a little ritual where I would strip and kneel, and she would take a ruler or crop to my rear. It was plenty painful and (as I recall) somewhat cathartic.

Also as part of this we did weekly "de-brief" sessions, which were very useful. There was quite the ritual to them, with elements gleaned from some of our pagan friends - it was an exercise in practical magic and worked well. It was, I think, during one of these that she finally said, rather exasperated, "I am not your mother." Wow. You could have knocked me over with a feather.

I don't think I had enough self-possession or insight to tease out how this was and wasn't different from a relationship I might have wanted, at some subconscious level, with my mother. It's true, she was the one who inflicted the corporal punishment, but, and at that point I don't think the "service" aspect of what I want to do in this relationship was clear to me. Certainly the Lady and Knight metaphor hadn't occured to me at all.

So for now I'll take this as one of the rocks of Scilla and Charybdis that we'll want to navigate between.

Out of Sorts

Holy smokes, have I been feeling out of sorts. Let's start with the simple. When I want to connect with my beloved, I have a bad habit of going over to her and saying something like "Are you OK?"

Which she totally doesn't know how to interpret, and which annoys her. I did that Friday afternoon and go snapped at, and felt very snippy back. I stomped out and went running, and came back and mowed the lawn. At least some useful work got done out of the thing, but it was a bad bad moment.

Long ago I heard the maxim "Don't go to bed mad," but I'm afraid time has dimmed the good sense in that aphorism; I went to bed mad and got up early Saturday and started doing projects; it was too rainly to finish the lawn, as it has been on-and-off all weekend. Unfortunately, I did a bunch of technical projects, none of which worked out very well.

So the proximate cause of being out-of-sorts was a miscommunication with my beloved, but I'm afraid the slightly deeper cause was twofold:
  • I hate having to hide things from my beloved. So when I'm working on this blog, or indulging myself surfing the net, I hate it when I stress about whether or not she'll see what I'm doing... and
  • Writing this blog has made me start to accept myself as I am in a way that I haven't in many many years. And not being able to share that is incredibly frustrating.
This was, in my mind, very possibly going to be the weekend of the conversation. But it got off to such a bad start, and evolved so badly that that idea went by the way side. I've even started a post of "What, exactly, am I asking for?" Which I should keep working on.

But my very disquiet makes me think that this is a conversation that has to happen. I wonder if I could show her this blog? Big risk, but I told myself, at least, that I wouldn't gild the lily and that I would be completely honest here. So I have been; for better or (mostly) for worse, what's here is me. If anybody wanders by and has been through this pass before, I'd love a pointer or two.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Pulling the Tiger's Tail


I should write a quick note on how last night transpired. While I had no particular desire to go out and run an errand for my beloved's friend, I did, out of submission as much as anything else. And of course we had a wonderful conversation, so my predjudices manage to get debunked again. Always a good thing.

I didn't get nearly as many things done at home as I had hoped before she arrived from her meeting out, but we worked together on some home-business that needed to be done, until we went to bed. So no relief for me, and little change to get all "lathered up" surfing the net. At least I chose to get a start on the work that needed to be done before she got home.

Re "Pulling the tiger's tail", my fantasy was that she'd put the necklace (our chastity indicator) on before I went to bed and I would have lost my chance. I knew there was little probability that this would happen, and it didn't. Rather I got up in the wee hours to use the bathroom and took the opportunity to relieve the biological need, though I can't say it did much for the psychological one. Too eliptical? I wanked off but it didn't do a lot for my head-space. There, better?

Back to sleep for another couple of hours, and in the hurly-burly of getting kids to school etc, I put the necklace in my pocket and asked her to put it on before I left. That was actually an almost sweet moment.

And off we went on to another day.

Which ended up not so well, but about which I'd rather not write while I'm still ticked off.... but I'm afraid things may get a lot less interesting around here...